Page 186 of Scrimmage

“No, she hates them,” I whisper. I can’t bring myself to speak any louder.

I make myself as small as I can while they use the defibrillator. It takes two jumps to get her heart restarted, but it’s still weak. I hold her hand in mine, rolling it over so her palm faces up. Then I trail my fingers along the lines, remembering a time where she decided she would read mine. It’s all I have. It’s the only thing I can do.

We screech to a stop, and the back doors fling open. A group of emergency room personnel rush us, and they surround her, screaming more things I don’t understand. I chase after them, but a nurse stops me before I make it through the double doors.

“You can’t go back there, sweetie. They’ll come out and let you know how she’s doing after they alert the family.” I try to brush past, but the woman catches me. “You can’t go past this point. The doctor will come and speak with you when he can.”

“I…” I try to find words. I try to figure out what to say that will make her let me back there, even though I know it won’t change anything. “She doesn’t have any family.” I don't even know if that's true.

She sizes me up. “I’m sure you love her very much.” The nurse pats my arm. “Do you know who we can contact for her?”

Alexi rushes in behind me and stations himself at my side.

“Her name,” I clench my teeth, “Is Ashland, and it’s me. You contact me.”

“And who are you?” she asks.

“I’m…I’m... I’m the person. I’m her person. Koda Armory.”

“Okay, sweetie.” She hands me the clipboard and starts to give me instructions, but I don’t hear any of them.

Alexi slowly pulls it from my hands and nods along, asking her questions. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have him. I would be a puddle on the floor. The nurse gives my arm a squeeze and walks back behind the counter without any false promises. I make it into a chair somehow. Alexi poises the pen over the paper before calmly setting the clipboard on the table next to him.

Threading his fingers together he looks at me. “Koda,” he says in an even tone.

“What?” I whisper, staring at the floor.

“You need to get it together, and we need someone to fill out these forms.”

I snatch the clipboard from the table next to him. “I can fill them out.”

The longer I look at the pages asking for her medical history, the more I realize I don’t know about her. All I can do is write her name, birthday, and me as the point of contact. I don’t know anything else. I chuck it at the wall and yank at my hair.

The despair returns. “What if she dies, Alexi?”

His face hardens, and he looks away. Alexi knows as well as I do that Ash is hanging on to life by a thread, if she even made it to the back.

“The longer it takes, the longer she’s alive,” he says softly.

“I’m so fucking stupid.” I knock my fist against my forehead.

“We’re all aware,” he tries to joke, but it falls flat. “In the meantime, we need to call Penny. She needs to help us fill this out, and she needs to move up her flight. My phone is dead, but I have Ashland’s.”

Penny. Take care of Penny.

Alexi digs it out of his pocket. “Do you know her passcode?”

I take it from him. I want to hold onto it forever and put it in a glass case like a psycho, but that won’t do any good. I bite my cheek and stare at her wallpaper. It’s a picture of us that I haven’t seen before. It’s from when we watched the stupid Barbie movies. Penny must have taken this one. There’s a text banner, like this was sent to her on some app, and it says ‘Koda’s horny for the Nutcracker’. Our backs are to the camera. Ashland is lying on her stomach with me next to her. My hand is in the air, clearly in discussion, and her finger is to my lips telling me to shut the fuck up.

I want to scream and punch someone. I hold it up in front of my face and it unlocks. Alexi doesn’t question me.

“Which one do you think is Penny?” he mumbles.

“Cunt,” I answer effortlessly, tracing Ashland’s name on the page of the clipboard for the third time. The phone rings as a video call. Wonderful.

“Wassup, Cu-Alexi? Why are you calling me from Ashland’s phone? What’s wrong?” I hear the immediate panic in her voice. I snatch the phone away. He’s going to drag this out, and it’s going to send Penny into cardiac arrest.

I’m seeing myself for the first time on the screen. Blood covers my arms and my chest. It’s all over my face and stains my hair, which is beyond disheveled.

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