Page 43 of Clear Your Mind

Absently I nod my head, but inside, I’m running down every single, worst-case scenario I can think of. Short of lying to me about his current relationship status, I can’t imagine what can be so bad that I’d run for the hills, as he put it.

The look of utter hopelessness on his face is ripping me apart. The tears start falling again. I cried it out in the shower earlier until I was wrinkled. Then laughed it out over ice cream alcohol floats a spoon at a time with Maxi.

Apparently, I’m a champ at compartmentalizing. Maybe I’ve just had years to deal with the reality of who Jeff is…was, and what it would ultimately take to get him out of my life. Either he’d find and kill me, or someone somewhere along the way would kill him. That was the end I always knew was coming. I just never thought about how that would happen or the toll on others.

Before Buddy walked in tonight with that look on his face, I had it all figured out. I’d dealt with the horror, loss, implications, etc., surrounding Jeff’s death. I had it all planned out.

One, we’d see where Buddy’s head was at with the events of the day and proceed accordingly as soon as I assured him mine was good.

Two, we’d discuss the ol’ lady thing, preferably naked.

Three, we’d discuss my staying here, again, preferably naked. Point out that his suite is bigger than my apartment, so it’s not a hardship on me to stay here rather than us renting a new place, but I’d also resist enough to allow it to be his idea.

Four, plot my next book, which would most definitely have Buddy on the cover.

Five, did I mention nudity?

Before I could implement any step of my plan, I had to throw the entire thing in the trash, and that’s why my mind is reeling. It’s busy throwing plansbthroughzat me in record time.

Before Jeff, I didn’t do plans, I lived by my heart. That was another thing he stole from me. I didn’t realize I wanted it back until now.

In this moment, it isn’t about me or my plans or anything else, I remind myself. It’s about Buddy and whatever is tearing him apart.

“I promise,” I squeak out barely above a whisper.

It was a promise I didn’t know if I could keep. To stay here without this intense connection with Buddy would feel hollow.

“Like I told you before, I was in love. I lost three people, over two of them falling in love. I told you I left them out there and they were murdered.”

My heart stalled out in my chest. Three?

Him.

The tears fell without instructions from me to do so.

Buddy barks a hollow laugh. “Don’t cry yet, love. You don’t know the whole story.”

“I know enough.” I want to shout with conviction, but it comes out soft and unsure.

“We’ll see.” He sniffs as if holding his own tears at bay. “What I didn’t tell you was I hunted him down. Found him in an isolated shack in the woods. Not three miles from where he tortured and butchered them both.”

Oh god, oh god, oh god. I know what’s coming and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want him to remember.

My lips find his to halt the flow of words. He allows me to kiss him, but he doesn’t reciprocate.

“Save it, Krys,” he mumbles against my lips. “Save it until you hear what I did. Then, if you still want to, I’ll happily kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before.”

Pulling away, defeated, I nod.

“Three days. That’s what it took to find their bodies. Three agonizing days.”

My tears turn into a full-on waterfall with every syllable he utters. Every catch in his throat.

“So, I paid him back in kind. Three days of hell for three days of hell.”

I try so hard to swallow the fucking gasp, but I’m unsuccessful. Buddy recoils at the sound. I knew what was coming would be bad, but hearing it in his detached tone caught me off guard.

Gone is the hesitation his voice held not minutes prior. Now, his tone is flat, even.

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