Page 42 of Clear Your Mind

A wave of relief washes over me when she refers to it as a purge. I didn’t realize until this moment how worried I was about that. Shit like that can fuck with people’s heads and send them spiraling.

I should know, it’s what happened when those bastards tried to gut me in Reno. It’s why I pulled away from my crew even more. Not that I wanted to, no. The near-death experience cured me of that in a manner of speaking. I wanted to be close to people for the first time since I killed another. But when I made the attempt, his voice came back with a vengeance. Taunting me. Cursing me. I know now it was me, but all I heard was his voice saying I was unlovable because of it. When I decided not to listen, I realized I’d have to share of myself…that part of myself.

Since meeting Krystal, I realize Morningstar was right to send me here with Dude. It’s the best thing to ever happen to me. As soon as I made peace with that, that murdering bastard’s voice went away. His hold over me was broken. I owe both my presidents apologies, but first, I need to get this over with.

I grip her cheeks in my hands, maybe a little too hard, but she needs to hear my words. Reallyhearthem. She must.

11

KRYSTAL

Aman on a mission. That’s what I see in his insanely blue eyes. His blond hair is tousled from running his hands through it one too many times. I resist the urge to do the same. The grip on my face is uncomfortable, but I endure it. There is a burden on him that he needs to relieve himself of. A demon to be purged. A little discomfort won’t kill me. However, the pain radiating off him just might stop my heart.

Even if it breaks me, I silently promise to listen with an open mind and open heart. I repeat that to myself over and over, waiting for Buddy to speak. I love him, there’s no denying it, but I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t return those feelings.

I can love him and still leave him. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. The hurt of losing someone is better than the pain of allowing them to destroy me.

It’s only been a weekend, so yeah, a lot of people will call me crazy. I’m a firm believer that the world would be a much better place if we listened to our hearts rather than bow to whatever social norm was constructed years ago to keep people, a.k.a. women, in line.

I promised to stay here until the danger is over, and while I think it is, I’m not sure Buddy would agree. But I still have my own place, even if it is tainted now.

A shudder courses through me knowing Jeff has been there. If worse comes to worst, I can stay in the shop on a pallet until I can get another lease. I have the savings…oh my god, the shop. Is there enough sage in Texas—

“Krys? Where’d you go, love?” Buddy’s concerned voice cuts through my downward spiral.

I don’t answer with words. Mostly because if I speak, I might blurt out something I shouldn’t.

My biggest fear is that even though he called me his ol’ lady earlier, this little sit-down is for him to say he has a wife and kid and I’ll just nod and still drop my panties. Yeah, and that’s why love and attachments suck.

Reaching for my crystals, my hand comes away one shy. I need to get a grip. I need to focus.

Buddy.

Buddy has my favorite crystal.

It can anchor me…he can anchor me.

Brushing my hand along the hemp cord, I follow it to my prize and rest my hand on it through his shirt.

It’s not enough, and my thoughts are jumbled and spiraling again.

Buddy loosens his grip on my face. One hand reaches under mine into his shirt to free the crystal. I wrap my hand around it like a lifeline. He wraps his hand around mine in understanding.

He gets me.

I don’t know how, but he does. Maybe that’s why I fell hard and fast for this man.

“No one ever gets me,” I mumble to myself.

“I do.”

Two words that hold more meaning, in this case, to me, than any other words in the English language.

“Which is why I need to tell you something. Something that may send you running for the hills. But I want you to promise me, even if you don’t want to be with me, you’ll stay here, at least until we get the mess with the Bullfeathers and your apartment sorted. I can stay in another room, okay?”

Is he rescinding his offer to move in together, or is he just thinking I’ll leave and doesn’t want me to feel guilty about making that choice?

The logical part of me says it’s the latter. He’s thinking I’ll leave, which is heartbreaking, while that insecure part of me is saying he made a mistake and now he’s backpedaling.

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