Page 135 of Better Late Than Never

I forced a smile as I covered his hands with mine. “Don’t apologize for talking to your boys.”

“I just didn’t want to ditch you.”

“You didn’t. It’s all good.” I turned around in his embrace and…

Oh, fuck me.

As soon as I looked in his eyes, my mind was made up. Whether I ended up in the other bedroom, another hotel, or on the airport floor, I had to do this now. I couldn’t sleep next to him. Not even one more night. I wanted to—God, I wanted to be with him every hour of every night—but it was only going to make the inevitable hurt even more.

Connor’s expression shifted to one of concern, and he tilted his head as he studied me. “You okay?” Hands still on my waist, he said, “You look kind of…” He trailed off as if he couldn’t find the words.

I dropped my gaze as all the breath rushed out of me. “Just, um… Just thinking. About… About everything we’re doing.”

His fingers twitched minutely on my sides. The tension in his body was subtle, but I was too dialed in to him not to notice. “What about it?”

I swallowed hard. It took work, but he deserved to have me look him in the eye, so I did. “I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

Connor’s hands lightened ever so slightly, but they didn’t lift away. “You don’t… What do you mean?”

I shifted my gaze out to the landscape because I was a fucking coward, and because I was trying like hell not to break down. “Look at everything we have to do just to see each other.” I gestured at our surroundings. “It was hard enough when we could sneak off to your place, but now…” I chewed my lip as I struggled to hold myself together.

“You don’t think it’s worth it?” The hurt in his voice was a gut punch. So was the sudden coolness where his hands had been on my waist.

“It’s totally worth it.” I forced back all those emotions and faced him again, which dragged all of them right back to the surface. The pain in his eyes was just too damn much. Still, I barreled on. “But sooner or later—I mean, is what we’re doing really worth everything you’re putting on the line? And all the headache you have to deal with just so you can have a few hours or a few days with me?”

He stared at me in obvious disbelief. “Is it worth—of course it is. That’s why I’m here.”

Frustration tightened my chest. “And what about a few weeks from now? Or a few months from now? How long—” My voice threatened to break, and I had to clear my throat before trying again. “How long are you going to jump through all these hoops just for…” I gestured at myself.

The disbelief in his expression intensified. “As long as I need to. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” He shook his head. “I know it’s tough, and it sucks that we have to deal with the Navy’s bullshit, but we can make this work if?—”

“We can’t, Connor,” I snapped unsteadily. “We… Do you realize howlongwe have to keep it quiet like this?”

“Until you retire.” He tilted his head. “Is that what this is about? Because you’re afraid we’ll get caught?”

“I’mnotafraid of us getting caught,” I said. “We’re—it’s not that hard to be careful, you know? Especially since no one knows either of us is into men. No one except my asshole ex. But in order to keep it that way, we have to jump through hoops and strategize every goddamned thing we do or place we go. All so we can fly under everyone’s radar.” My voice came out brittle and raw as I whispered, “How much more of that are you going to do before you decide I’m not worth it?”

Connor’s lips parted, horror replacing the confusion on his face. “What are you talking about? What makes you think I’m going to decide you’re not worth it?”

My shoulders sagged as I pushed out a breath. “I know where I stand with people, okay? My ownfamilydoesn’t think seeing me is worth the hassle of flying halfway around the world or even showing up for a damn FaceTime call. The only man who’s ever thought I was worth dating just wanted a plaything.” I threw up a hand. “I’m not naïve enough to think someone like you—a goddamneddoctorwho’s intelligent and justamazing—is going to see me as some kind of fucking prize. Especially not when it takes ten times the work to be with me so you don’t throw your whole damn life off the rails.”

He stared at me as if I’d spoken in another language. Maybe I had.

As ragged and flayed as I felt, I kept going before I lost what little steam I had. “I know hooking up has been fun. And I know we’ve gotten closer than we thought we would. But… I mean, I’m the first man you’ve ever been with. What happens when that novelty wears off? What the fuck is left?”

Connor blinked a couple of times, then shook himself. “Okay. Okay, first of all…” He paused as if he needed to collect his thoughts. “Look, the novelty of being with a man wore off alongtime ago.”

I inclined my head, eyeing him dubiously.

He huffed out a sigh. “Jesus Christ. The first night we went to the club in Sevilla? That was all about being a queer man stepping out for the first time. From the minute you offered me a ride back from the train station, it stopped being about that and started being about how much I wanted you.”

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth.

He wasn’t done yet, either. “You’re also the first person who’s understood me the way you do. I don’t have to be embarrassed when my PTSD flares up. I don’t have to feel like I’m alone in it because I’m with someone whogetsit. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, but I can’t tell you what a relief it’s been to be with someone who really understands why I can’t let that trauma go.”

“Or why that trauma won’t let you go,” I murmured.

“Exactly. Yeah, I could be with someone who didn’t know firsthand what it was like. I was with someone like that for over twenty years. But it’s done me more good than I expected to be with someone whodoesget it.”

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