Page 134 of Better Late Than Never

Was this what lazy Saturdays with a partner were supposed to feel like? Because for all the years I’d been married, I didn’t fucking know. Relaxed mornings with Aimee were anything but because it always felt like something was about to happen. Like there was this tension between us—a brewing fight, something one of us had forgotten about that the other was stewing over, a reason to think shit was about to go south.

For a long time, I’d thought that was an after effect of combat. Quiet, peaceful moments in a warzone could be more stressful than a firefight. At least in a firefight, you mostly knew where the enemy was and where the bullets and mortars were coming from. After a few bombs dropped out of the clear blue sky, it was easy to start getting paranoid about clear blue skies.

So I’d always figured that was what was happening on those quiet mornings with Aimee.

But here with Alex, I didn’t have that nagging, neck-prickling certainty thatsomethingwas going to happen.

I wasn’t sure what that said about my marriage.

I definitely wasn’t sure what it said about this thing with Alex.

All I knew was that I liked it.

CHAPTER40

ALEX

By our third night on Ibiza, I was exhausted. Not from the sex or anything else—from being battered internally by my own emotions.

Connor wanted a few minutes for a FaceTime chat with Quinn. I was hardly going to bitch about that; any chance he had to talk to his sons, I was all for it.

While they talked, I slipped out to the second-floor terrace for a breather. Gazing out at the beautiful landscape, I finally stopped fighting all those feelings that had been trying to elbow their way in since I’d landed on this island.

Connor and I had both admitted more than once that we were in this for more than sex, but reality was what it was—we didn’t have the staying power I wished we did. Just getting to Ibiza had involved a logistics headache, from him lying to his command about where he was going to dealing with all the fun of air travel. Sure, we didn’t have that fear of someone seeing us the way we did when we stepped out of a hotel in El Puerto or Jerez. We didn’t have to look over our shoulders here—just enjoy our time together.

But what happened when we were back in Rota? When we were back to that stress and paranoia?

My shoulders slumped and I closed my eyes. I was so ridiculously in love with Connor, but I was torturing myself, and sooner or later, it was going to blow up in my face.

So why wait until later?

A lump rose in my throat as I considered my options. I kind of wanted to wait until tomorrow, right before one of us left for the airport. At least then we wouldn’t be stuck in this house. On the other hand, I could say something tonight and be done with it. There was a second bedroom in the house. Or I could go find a hotel if there were any vacancies on the island. Hell, I could go sleep at the damn airport. Anything but staying another night beside the man whose presence was starting to hurt more than his absence probably would.

How do I tell you I don’t want this? Because I want it more than anything else, but I can’t make myself stick around and wait for it to implode.

Some part of me wanted to cling to the possibility that this wasn’t going to fall apart. That Connor really did want me, and that—somehow—I was worth the risk and the effort. He’d been called into the CO’s office and confronted about it, and hestillwanted to see me. That had to mean something, right?

He’s fishing in a very, very limited pond.

As soon as he finds a more convenient piece of ass, he won’t need me.

Or when he realizes his hand gets the job done without all the risk to his job.

It’s only a matter of time, Alex. You know it is.

Your own parents won’t even put in the work to visit you. Why would he keep doing this indefinitely?

None of that sounded like Connor, but I still couldn’t convince myself that those intrusive thoughts were wrong. I hadn’t thought Tobias was that way, either.

I sighed and hung my head, exhausted just from listening to my own mind. The stress of sneaking around was miserable enough. Every moment I spent with Connor was worth it… but there was always that doubt hanging in the back of my mind that he was going to bail. And the more time I spent with him, the deeper I got into this, and the more it was going to hurt when he finally called time.

So why wait around for the inevitable? Why keep walking around with the Sword of Damocles tickling the back of my neck when I could just cut my losses and get a jump on getting over him? Because if breaking up with him hurt today, it was just going to hurt more tomorrow, and the next day, and the one after that.

Behind me, the terrace door slid open. My spine prickled at the sound of Connor’s bare feet coming across the stone floor.

When he slid his arms around my waist and kissed the side of my neck, my composure nearly snapped. God, I loved him. And I wanted him. And I didn’t want to let him go.

“Hey.” He kissed behind my ear. “Sorry it took so long.”

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