Page 21 of Shame

“I drink a bit.”

“How much is a bit?”

“Not daily.”

“And when you drink?”

“My brother is a gambling addict,” I blurt out. “We know about addiction.”

“Have you been treated for something like that?”

“I don’t have that same addictive personality,” I mutter.

He nods. “And sex?”

My mind goes blank. I swallow hard. “Excuse me?”

“Was the affair sexual?”

Flashes of mistakes. Regret. “Yes.”

“Can you tell me about it?”

“The affair?”

“Yes.”

No. My chest hurts. “It was a mistake.”

“You mentioned that.” He shifts positions. “We’ll come back to that, too. You mentioned that you love your wife. What does love mean to you?”

“I think that’s changed in the last week.”

A pause. “Interesting.”

“It’s like I woke up from a bad dream. There’s old Luke, and I’m looking at him, who he became. Like we branched from the same trunk person, who I used to be, but I don’t recognize myself like that. That’s not who I want to be. It’s not who I am right now. I’m—I spent last night sobbing in the shower. I’ve never cried like that before. And it’s fine. It felt gross, but it was necessary. The new Luke cries.”

“And thinks crying is gross.”

“New Luke is still working on word choice.”

“I cry,” he offers. “It’s cathartic. It feels good.”

“I’m not there.”

“That’s okay. It’s a process. And so is repairing your relationship with your wife. But that’s a two-party process. She needs to decide what she wants. You can’t make her try to repair the relationship if she isn’t interested.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?” A small smile tugs at his mouth, but it doesn’t feel like he’s laughing at me. His eyes are warm, creased with lines at the corners.

I think he understands.Did you ever fuck around on the perfect woman? Did you ever blow your life up for no good fucking reason?

“I do,” I say haltingly. “I get it. But we have a bond. We have—had—a really good relationship. It just went off the rails a few years ago. And I need to be better to her. But she loves me. I know that deep down.”

“That sounds confident.”

“I don’t lack in ego.”

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