Page 75 of Shame

Yeah, they shouldn’t sell these panties. They’re obscene.

And I can’t buy them. I’ll spontaneously combust at the register. Plus if Luke is home when I get back—which he will be—and if he helps me unload the groceries—sure to do—then I’ll die all over again when he picks up the underwear and knows what I’ve done.

So that’s exactly why I do buy them.

A perfectly innocent pack of women’s white panties.

I’m going to hell, but I’m going there happy.

32

Luke

December

My brother is skippingChristmas this year.

Only fair. Last year, I was a jerk to him, and so he skipped Christmas and reconnected with the love of his life. This year, they’re taking that same trip again.

But I miss him.

It’s quite the surprise to me to realize that.

We have a tree this year. Grace is currently lying on top of me on the couch, and we’re admiring our bang up decorating job.

She nestles her head under my chin and exhales, going soft. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever is on your mind.”

My first instinct is to say no, but there’s something about the soft weight of her that makes me pause. Do I want to talk? No, I’m not ready. Will I feel better if I share my burden with my spouse? Yes.

Why do I resist that so much? What am I afraid of?

“It’s stupid,” I mutter.

“Try me.”

“I miss Sam.”

“Oh, honey.” She props her chin on her hands and gives me a sad smile. “I think deep down he misses you, too. But all the work you’ve done with me, you’ll have to do with him, too.”

“Yeah.” I make a face.

She pokes me in the side and laughs.

“There’s something else on my mind, too.” I twirl a lock of her hair around my finger. “In the summer I asked you about kids.”

She stills. Her spine straightens, and she lifts her chin, as if the conversation is replaying in her mind. “You did.”

“You said I could bring it up again in six months.”

She laughs, a frown pulling her eyebrows together. “Did you set a calendar reminder?”

I shake my head, no. “It just came to me. It’s not urgent, but if you are willing to entertain the conversation, I’d like to talk about it.”

She relaxes again and rests her head on my shoulder. “We’ll always be a bit chaotic. That’s probably not good for kids.”

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