Page 13 of Annika's Aurora

“Annika?” She heard him call her name, but she was already in her room, closing the door. Hoping to shut the emotions out as easily as she could shut him out with the door.

Chapter 6

Loganspentanotherrestlessnightstaringatthepictureonthenightstandthatusedtobringhimsuchcomfort.Now,itonlycausedheartache.Forthepastweek,whenhe’dslept,thenightmareshadcome.Jamie,thewomanfromtheriver,Annika.Theywereallinterchangeable.Andhe’dlostthemall.

But none hurt as much as the thought that he’d lost Annika forever. At dinner that first night she had briefly seemed like her old self, like his Annika. She’d been happy to hear of his career choices. Proud even. But then the sadness had returned. And so suddenly.

Hearing how hard it had been for her had ripped his heart to shreds. Each word she spoke tore away at the scar tissue surrounding his heart. He had spent years building hardened callouses to protect himself from feelings, from caring too deeply, and they had worked well to keep people out … until Annika.

Her pain slashed at him, and he’d done that to her. He’d caused that pain. She had been everything to him. He’d loved her, and he’d broken her. His guilt again was overwhelming. He knew her grief would have been as profound as his, and he’d left her alone to deal with it. He didn’t know how she could ever forgive him when he certainly couldn’t forgive himself.

He owed her an explanation. He’d fucked things up. He did her wrong. But he was trying to fix things. It was time.

If only he could keep her from running away from him. It had been nearly a week since their surprise reunion, and he still owed her the apology of a lifetime, but she kept shutting him out, avoiding him like the plague. How could he get down on his knees and beg her forgiveness if she continued to turn away from him?

Giving up on sleep, he wandered out to the great room. It had started snowing sometime during his tossing and turning. He watched it fall in big fluffy flakes for a while, then wandered over to the family pictures on the mantel. He knew most of the photos, had been a participant in the events pictured in them. Birthdays, soccer games, lazy summer days at the lake. He’d been part of them all. A member of the family.

But there were also the new photos. Those he’d been absent from. Annika’s college graduation was in a large frame at the corner of the mantel. He wondered if she became a teacher as she’d always wanted.

Logan took the frame off the mantel and ran his fingers over her image. She stood in the sun, her hair glowing like tinsel. In her hands was a booklet that held her diploma from Purdue. A grin was on her lips but not in her eyes. Those blue eyes, so like the lake on certain days, were despondent. He could imagine that must have been a difficult day for her. She and Jamie were supposed to have done it together. The courage it must have taken her to go on without him and to succeed took a strength more powerful than anything he’d ever had to do with the SEALs.

And he’d missed it. He’d missed it all. A tear dripped onto the glass, surprising him. He’d only cried one other time in his life, and that was the night he’d lost everything.

He crumpled to the couch, wiping the wetness from the glass.

Christ, whathave Idone!How could he have run away from the only people who’d ever loved him?

He squeezed his eyes shut. He could imagine himself in that graduation photo standing next to Annika, his arm thrown around her shoulders and his pride for her shining in his eyes. And she’d smile at him, so happy to have him there beside her to share in her accomplishment.

They’d share a quiet moment to mourn their missing brother, but they’d bring each other out of their moroseness to celebrate. There’d be cake. There was always cake when Mama Jo was celebrating something. Logan would dig a finger into the icing before she could cut the cake and get a slap on the back of the hand for it. And he would have loved it because she’d cared enough to admonish him. He’d kiss her cheek as an apology, and she’d smile, never able to stay mad at him for long. Jansen would be there with his camera, recording every joyful moment as they celebrated Annika.

And Annika. She would look splendid in whatever dress she’d worn under her black gown. She would grab a taste of the icing for herself as Johanna was busy reprimanding Logan. They’d share a laugh, and he’d hug her because he could. And she would have hugged him back.

But none of that had happened; he’d thrown all that away. His guilt had overcome his better judgment. He couldn’t see past the fact that he’d killed their son and brother. He hadn’t been able to see how they could have forgiven him for that. He was a poor substitute for Jamie, and he’d felt deep down they would resent him because of it.

Eventually, his tears dried up, and he drifted off to sleep, the picture of Annika still clenched in his hand.

Annika found Logan asleep on the couch the following morning as she got ready for her run. He looked like he’d had another rough night. She could relate. She was hoping the run would rejuvenate her. But as she turned away to leave, something on the floor next to him caught her eye. Praying he’d stay asleep, she inched nearer for a closer look. It was the picture of her at her college graduation. She’d just received her master’s in education. That had been a day full of joy and sadness. She’d done it. She’d graduated with honors. Even though she’d delayed starting school until the spring semester after Jamie, she’d still managed to graduate. She’d worked hard, taking as many classes as possible, some of which hadn’t even been in her field. But she’d stayed busy, and that kept her mind off her grief. Fall, Spring, even Summer semesters, she’d filled them all. And after she’d had her degree in her hand, she had celebrated with her parents, waiting until she was alone to let her grief crash over her. She’d missed her boys so much. Both of them.

She wondered about the significance of that picture near him. They had settled into a kind of silent truce over the last week, managing to avoid each other as much as possible. Annika lost herself in her books while he spent hours chopping wood or exercising. They came together for the occasional awkward meal, full of clipped commentary.

Logan had never been much of a talker, but this was taking that to the extreme. He was entirely too stoic when she was near, even as she could tell he wanted to talk. But she remained just as stubborn, just as committed to avoiding the elephant in the room. She was not ready to let go of her anger yet. But her ice walls were melting quickly the more time she spent around him. Every glance into his dark brown eyes put another chip in that wall. The anguish and pain she saw there she craved to soothe. She knew that soon she’d have to let go of her hurt and pain to begin the conversation they both desperately needed.

Her thoughts were a jumbled mess as she closed the front door behind her, ready for a good run. There were a good three inches on the ground, and it was still snowing. Big, fat flakes. The world was a winter wonderland.

Annika paused for a moment and raised her face to the sky, enjoying the feeling of the snowflakes melting on her skin. She loved running in the snow. It was so quiet and peaceful. And yet it was her favorite sound in the world, that soft whoosh as the snow fell. She left her earbuds out so she could listen to the music the snow made. The crunch of her sneakers thrilled her even as they filled with snow. No matter, she’d make it a quick run.

She followed the road as it curved closer to the bluff that overlooked the lake. Hearing a pitiful sound coming from the edge of the bluff, she stepped off the road and moved closer to the edge looking for the source.

Aware that erosion had done a number on the bluff in recent years and more earth could collapse into the lake at any time, she carefully inched closer until she found it. A dog was trapped in the underbrush with his leash and collar tangled up in the branches. The poor thing was soaked to the skin and had several scratches, a few deep enough to draw blood. If it kept trying to fight, it might get even more hurt. Annika got to her hands and knees and crawled closer, regretting the lightweight spandex she’d chosen to wear as the cold and wet seeped through.

“Hey, boy.” She spoke calmly, hoping her voice would soothe the dog. “How’d you get so stuck in there? Did you chase a squirrel? Bet you regret that decision now, don’t you?”

She found the end of the leash and started to untangle it. Unfortunately, the worst of the tangles were deeper in and closer to the edge. She crawled cautiously nearer, untangling as she went. “Okay, buddy, nearly there.” The dog, seeming to sense she was there to help, sat quietly and let her work. Even licking her hands every now and then.

Finally, she’d freed the dog. She grabbed it up under one arm and backed out of the brush. As soon as she stood, it struggled to get down. Annika put it down, but before she could look at the tag to see who he belonged to, he took off.

“You’re welcome!” she called after it. “Don’t go chasing any more squirrels!” She smiled as she watched it race away. The smile turned into a squeal as the ground gave way beneath her, and she tumbled down the bluff.

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