Page 34 of Annika's Aurora

“Do you think he was aiming for her?”

“It seemed like he was firing wildly when he started, except for me. He’d aimed for me first. The investigators told me later they thought that Suzanna had crossed in front of me when Caleb started firing. The bullet went in through her chest, causing extensive damage before it exited. That’s when it went into my side, though it had lost a lot of its momentum. It didn’t do as much damage as it would have had it been the full force. I’m not sure if he even knew he’d shot her.”

“Maybe not if he was as crazed as you say he was. I’d be surprised he saw anything clearly enough to aim.”

“He certainly saw clearly enough to hit me the second time,” she mused.

“Unfortunately,” he uttered, kissing her temple.

“He kept looking over at the other kids huddled in groups. I was so afraid he was going to start shooting again. I didn’t know how many shots he’d already fired, so I didn’t know how many bullets were left in the gun. I kept saying to him ‘eyes on me,’ or ‘look at me’ to get his attention off the students. I had to keep his attention on me. If he was focused solely on me, he wouldn’t notice the others in the room. It was the only way I could think of to protect them.”

“That was awfully brave of you. Sounds like it worked too. Just like it worked tonight with Petersen.” She hadn’t realized at the time she’d used the same tactic from that awful day with Mr. Petersen. She had just acted on instinct.

“It did,” she acknowledged. Then after a deep breath, she said, “He gave me the gun, Logan.”

“How did you manage that?”

“I fell back on my books. He shared the same love. We talked about pressure, mistakes, and forgiveness. I wracked my brain to think of what the big literary geniuses say about those topics. Sophocles, Frost, Fitzgerald. Even my favoriteAnne of GreenGablesauthor.” Some of the best life advice came from Lucy Maude Montgomery.

“At one point, he wanted to end it all by putting a bullet in his brain. He had the gun to his head. He knew he’d screwed up royally. He thought there’d be no hope for his future now. I reminded him about something we’d just read from Ibsen. ‘Many a man can save himself if he admits he’s done wrong and takes his punishment.’ I told him that if he gave himself up, let everyone go, he’d save himself. He could make amends and eventually be forgiven.”

“Holy fuck,” Logan declared. “You must be an amazing teacher.” She smiled sadly. It certainly didn’t feel like that at the time. She felt like she’d failed Caleb. She knew he was struggling. If only she’d taken the time to talk to him sooner, Suzanna would still be alive.

“After what seemed like hours, he gave me the gun. I reached up and took it from him. I didn’t want to leave Suzanna.” That was all she could think about from that point on. “I held her. Felt for her pulse. But it was another fifteen minutes before Caleb unlocked the door. She … she died as I held her.” She stopped talking then, her sudden tears overwhelming her. Her grief for Suzanna had been devastating. She’d grieved hard for Jamie. But this had been different, senseless, and the guilt had been debilitating. She knew exactly how Logan had felt after Jamie died. Thewhatifswere all she could think about. If she’d gotten Caleb to calm down sooner. If she’d gotten the gun away from him sooner. So manyifs.

“That’s what you meant earlier when you said you didn’t save them all. You were thinking of Suzanna.” She sniffed and nodded.

Logan held her quietly as she cried out more of her grief. She’d thought she was done with the tears for Suzanna. She’d cried for weeks. He held her tightly in his lap. Her face pressed into his chest. His lips resting in her hair. He rocked with her. A gentle motion that had a calming effect. Eventually, her tears dried up.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

“No,” she admitted. “It’s all thewhat ifsI can’t get past. The guilt.”

“You focus on all that you did right. How many other kids were trapped in that room with you?”

“Fifteen.”

“Any of them hurt?”

“A few had grazes.”

“You saved sixteen lives.”

“No. Fifteen.”

“Sixteen. You saved Caleb too. If you hadn’t been there … If it had been some other teacher … we might be talking about more deaths. And possibly Caleb’s death too. Either by his hand or the authorities. I’m sure the hostage team was positioned to take Caleb down if they had to. But because of the connection you had with him, he listened to you. And after some intense therapy and most definitely some jail time, he may have a future. And so will those other fifteen students.” She had never thought of it that way. She’d always been focused on her failure, her inability to save Suzanna. She couldn’t see past Suzanna to the other students shehadsaved.

“Christ, Annika. I’ve known men with injuries like yours who could never have done what you accomplished. In fact, it’s a miracle you are alive.”

“I give credit to the two boys who taped me up. The duct tape slowed the blood loss. The doctors told me that if they hadn’t done that, I probably would have died.”

“Well, then I owe those two boys a beer.”

“They’re seventeen.”

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