Page 21 of Injustice and Absolution

As beautiful and majestic as they are, sometimes I’m jealous of them. Of the fact that they exist within such a turbulent atmosphere yet their shine perseveres. Jealous they don’t have the typical problems we humans do. Jealous they’ll never experience what jealousy even is.

Jealousbecause that’s precisely the reason I find myself here tonight.

Fernando—who moved in with us after his mother passed away a few years ago—is on leave from the army, and he and Maggie have beenbusyfor the past couple days. When I couldn’t take watching them make out any longer, I left. Got in my car, and on auto drive, ended up here.

Alone, except for the nagging girl who lives rent-free in my head. The one who lays out all the ways in which I’ve failed in my lifetime. She’s also the one who reminds me that I’m tainted, unworthy, unlovable.

She’s a little quieter than normal this evening, though. Which makes way for the man who holds my thoughts hostage nearly every waking moment. The man I still crave, despite how much I disgust him.

It’s been a little over a year since the kiss between Royce and I happened. Themistake,as he referred to it, has been like a comet circling my mind, its tail littered with insecurity and self-loathing. I was supposed to leave that room confident and relieved by the knowledge that my father would never hurt me again, but his brutal rejection is all that I felt.

Since then, Royce has returned to mostly ignoring me, and I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to force the memory of that night from my mind.

Even going so far as using sex to do so, begrudgingly.

After my third sexual encounter failed to elicit even a fraction of the desire our kiss fueled within me, I gave up. It’s not fair for me to sleep with someone, making them think I’m capable of developing feelings for them like a normal girl may.

I’m pretty sure I’m broken. Like my father screwed me up so bad, I’ll never be able to lose myself beneath the tender touch of a lover.

Except for—

Stop.

I close my eyes and will away the fantasies I get lost in more nights than not. The ones that share my bed while my soul leaves my body and floats down the hall to be with him.

Dipping the tips of my fingers beneath my waistband, I know I've already lost my internal struggle. I’ll ride my hand tonight, like I do every night I think of—

“What are you doing here?” The irritated voice of the same man I was getting ready to finger-fuck myself into oblivion over startles me.

Quickly, I sit up straight, praying he didn’t catch me with my hand down my shorts. I don’t look at him as I fight to still my breath.

What a surprise … he’s not happy to see me.

But I was here first. I’m the one who should be annoyed, though that will never happen. Like the true fucked-up girl I was raised to be, I’d never dream of getting angry at Royce.

How did I not hear his bike approaching? Even if he was in his truck, his engine is loud enough to hear clear across his property. My fantasies must have pulled me deeper under their spell than I realized.

Silently—because my makeup doesn’t allow me to talk back to anyone, even when they’re at fault—I turn in his direction.

“I…” I begin to apologize but stop myself. I may not want to be confrontational toward his blatant resentment, but that doesn’t mean I’m sorry for something that isn’t my fault. “It’s a free country.”

The words leave me before I can stop them. My eyes widening, I wait for the fallout that comes along with speaking toThe Judgethat way.

Heart racing, I’m rooted to the spot, awaiting whatever reprimand I’ll receive for it. So when the corner of his mouth tips up in amusement coupled with a quick exhale of air through his nose … it confuses me.

“That it is.”

Realizing I’m waiting for anger that isn’t coming, I take advantage of the moment and continue.

“What areyoudoing here?” I inquire boldly.

Royce’s eyes pulsate with hunger as he scans my body from head to toe. He doesn’t look away as he inhales a deep breath through his nose before exhaling through a barely parted mouth.

The way my body lights up at the slight movement of his lips shakes me to my core. My senses heighten at once.

Royce is like an aphrodisiac, causing my synapses to fire at each other rapidly with an unlimited supply of ammo.

“I come here to think sometimes.”

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