Page 10 of Injustice and Absolution

No matter how hard I tried, nothing I ever did was good enough for him.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, I quickly push away the unwanted thoughts of my father. I don’t want to share this day with him. Or any day, for that matter, for the rest of my life.

“What can I do to help?” I call out to Crew and Ronin. “I feel bad just standing around.”

I’ve always worried I’m not pulling my weight around the house and stone yard. No one has ever made me feel that way; constantly being told I’m not good enough when I was growing up took its toll on me. It’s not something that goes away either. I’m always trying to please others and make sure they’re happy with me.

“Not a damn thing,” Ronin winks, and a playful smile curls on his face.

“We’ve got this,” Crew adds. “Why don’t you go on inside and relax a little? Get ready for a late night.”

“Sleep is a waste of time.”As if I could sleep even if I wanted to.“But if you insist there’s nothing I can do to help, I’ll leave you to it.”

I turn around and walk toward the house so I can find Maggie and beg her to give me something to do. I find her sweeping the deck at the back of the house.

“Here, let me do that.” I wrap my fist around the broom handle and attempt to take it from her, but she doesn’t let go.

“Hell no… I’m not letting you help set up for your own party. Besides, you can help clean up tomorrow when your birthday is over,” she laughs, sticking her tongue out at me. “Plus, Ronin looks so sad that you left. You should go back and talk to him. Maybe you’ll end up getting lucky tonight, and he’ll take your virginity for your birthday.”

I about choke on my saliva.

“Maggie!” I shriek, looking around to make sure no one heard. I hear her giggling, and when I focus my attention on her again, my eyes roll all the way to the back of my head.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes but continues to laugh. “I was just kidding.”

“You’re hilarious.” I toss her a sarcasm-laced compliment.

Maggie likes to playfully poke fun at the fact that I’m still a virgin.

Even though I’m not.

She believes I’m still the proud owner of myVcard, and I’ve never told her otherwise. She makes jokes, and I laugh along with her through my pain because it’s easier than exposing my truth.

She and Fernando are inseparable and madly in love for two people who are still so young. Maggie turned nineteen a couple months ago, and Fernando is a year older than us. They’ve been sexually active for the past few years.

I began asking her questions when my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know what it was like, being with someone you’re in love with. Someone who cares about you and wants the best for you.

Does it feel good?

Do you feel safe in their arms?

Do you trust them with your life?

She says it’s not like anything she’s ever experienced before, in the best way possible.

I want that. I want someone to love me as much as Fernando loves her.

But what if I’m unlovable?

What if that’s the reason my father was so cruel to me? Because he was incapable of loving someone unworthy of love.

“Anyway,” I clear my throat and my head before I tumble too far down that depressing hill. “Ronin is sweet, but he’s not really my type.”

He’s the complete opposite, in fact.

“Oh yeah? And what’s your type?”

A thick head of silver and black hair.

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