Page 16 of Release Me

“They were drug addicts, always fucked up on something. They would beat on us both, touch us both. One day, he had me in his sights. Emmaline picked up a kitchen chair and threw it at him. He was high as a kite, so it didn’t even phase him. He chased her down and threw her to the ground. He straddled her body and started punching. I tried to stop him, but my mother held me back. She finally let me go once she realized Emwas hurt so badly. Blood was splattered everywhere. There was no doubt she was gone. Both she and I had a small bag ready to go if we needed to get out of there quickly. While they were scrambling, trying to figure out what they were going to do, I ran into our room, grabbed my bag, climbed out the window… And I never looked back.”

“Fuck. That’s some heavy shit. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that growing up,” I tell her, thinking about my own past and how it’s not much different than hers.

“Thanks,” she laughs sarcastically, “that makes everything all better.”

“Brynn, I understand why you put up your walls and use your attitude to deflect pain and emotion.”

“I may have told you a piece of my life, but you don’t knowshit, Dick!”

“I was four the first time my father’s friend touched me,” I blurt out before I can stop myself.

What the fuck?

I can count on one hand the amount of people I’ve divulged that information to. Where did that come from? I keep my composure because it looks like my admission sobered her reaction very quickly.

“Oh.” She looks down, ashamed for her outburst.

“But we’re here to talk about you.” I turn it back to her. “When did the abuse start?”

She laughs humorlessly.

“I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t being abused in some way. My mother wasn’t always a participant, though. That didn’t happen until after my father died.”

“What kind of abuse did your father put you through?”

“All of it. My mother fell hard for him. He was the true love of her life. The motherfuckers were perfect for one another,” she spits. “Once he died, she would tell me she hated me because I look just like him. She started bringing all kinds of men home with her. Letting them fuck her, making us watch so we couldlearn how to please a manas she would say. She would show us how to touch ourselves to make it feel good. She would let them touch us. She would yell at us if we cried or tried to push them away.

“Sometimes she would tell the men not to stop until our tears dried up. The men usually weren’t violent, because they didn’t need to be. There were a couple who liked to get a little brutal. But then she met Phil, and that changed drastically.”

She stops there, and I take the opportunity to make some notes before continuing with my questions. I need to know what she’s into and get down to the reasons behind them all.

“Now, your diagnosis is bi-polar hypersexuality disorder, correct?”

She nods her head.

“Can you describe some of your inclinations for me.”

I get another deep breath and eye roll from her, but she begins speaking almost immediately.

“I just like sex, that’s all. I was practically raised learning how to make people, myself included, feel good.”

“I looked through your arrest record, and it seems as though you’re quite the risk-taker.”

“Is something considered a risk if you don’t care about the outcome? Because I don’t give a fuck. Well, unless it involves whatever the female version of blue balls is. Then I get pissed.”

“So, as long as you orgasm, you don’t care about anything else?”

“That’s right,” she answers, stone-faced.

“So, if I were to attack you, hold you down, and rape you, you wouldn’t care as long as you got off?”

That question made her think.

“Well, not exactly. But that’s hardly an issue. I’m not afraid of that happening because it’s rare I ever say no.”

“You do it because you want to, or because you feel like you have to?”

She glares at me because she doesn’t like the question. I know she thinks she has to say yes to the people who want to hurt her. But she tells herself she wants it, so she never has to play the victim ever again. I know that game well, having played it myself for many years.

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