Page 99 of Chasing Fireflies

“Move,” I say as my voice breaks.

“Son, you…”

“I said fucking move.” I shove him out of the way and rush past him, taking the stairs two at a time. I pass Bear who has his head resting on his paws. He’s whimpering. Debbie sits on our bed, gripping the comforter under her hands and staring straight ahead. I swallow and turn to see the bathroom door cracked with claw marks at the bottom. I push it open more and see the blood first. My knees buckle from under me, and I hit the floor. Crawling over to her, I reach for her and press her pale face into my chest. I look down and see her arm, so I grab her blood-covered wrist and hold on to it, trying to keep the blood from pouring out. The sound that leaves my throat is unrecognizable, and the pain that slices through my heart makes me question if it’s still whole. I rock her and kiss her soft curls.

“You promised, baby. You promised,” I cry as the medics come inside and pull me away from her. I rock as though she is still in my arms. I cry, I rock, and I die inside.

*

Chaos and machines with loud beeping surround me. People rush past me, and questions are thrown at me from everywhere. “I don’t know,” is all I can say, because I don’t. I never knew. It was a battle I was never a part of. It was all Sara.

“We’re losing her.” I hear and the beeping stops, turning into one long sound. “Time of death.” I look over at the doctor as he announces it and I rush out of there, running as fast as I can until I burst through the doors. I lean over and throw up, hurling toward the ground and holding myself up by my hand on the wall.

“I told you!” I hear from behind me. I shut my eyes and stay put. “I told you she would do this! You didn’t watch her! You were never there,” Debbie cries, and my shoulders shake. She walks over to me, and I falter sideways when she shoves me. “You were never there!” she screams and starts hitting me. I let her because I need to feel something else besides this pain that’s ripping me inside. She screams more and cries harder, hitting my back, shoulders, and slapping my neck and face until I finally grab her and put my arms around her tightly. She stops fighting and wraps her arms around me, too, grabbing the back of my shirt. She cries, her whole body shaking. I see Walter sitting on a bench with his head down. Tears fall from my face as I hold on to my heart’s mother like she is keeping my feet on the ground.

Chapter Thirty

I lift my head off of the steering wheel and look out my windshield. My mind is foggy, and I can’t seem to wrap my brain around reality. Rain falls heavy outside and beats against the old truck’s metal roof. We’ve lived in this town for eight years now, and somehow it doesn’t feel like home anymore. I wipe my eyes and open Old Blue’s door. I’d like to say I’ve never been here before, but that’s a lie I can’t tell. I step out onto ground I’ve stepped onto more times than I can count, but for better reasons. I’m losing my mind, and I’ve lost my crazy heart. The rain soaks me, but like the inside, my outside is numb, too. Music flows through the opened door of the small-town bar, and like a zombie, I walk inside. Sweet guitar strings are strummed, but all I hear is the ringing in my ears. I take a seat on the barstool as Banner walks over.

“Heavy rain tonight,” he says, sliding a napkin in front of me. I look at the napkin and then up at his face.

“Jack––straight up.”

He narrows his eyes, but doesn’t question me. I watch him as he reaches up to grab a shot glass. Looking down at my hands, I run a finger over the dried blood that covers my palm. Water drops from the tip of my baseball hat, and my eyes shut for a brief moment. Memories flood my mind––blonde curls and baby blue eyes. Painful moments and a lifetime of struggles, but I’d do it all again. I open my eyes and grab the glass in front of me. I toss back the burning liquid and try not to choke on the sadness that threatens to take my life away.

I put the glass down and look up when Banner asks, “Another?” I nod and my hand shakes as I bring it to my greedy mouth. “You okay, Cash? Can I get you anything else?” His concern slips between his lips, and my whole body starts to shake. I look up from my shot glass.

“Stolen time,” I whisper as my eyes cast downward, and my heart falters. I lift the bottle from the bar and toss some bills onto the countertop. I hear Banner say something, but I don’t know what it is nor do I care. I tip the bottle upside down and walk out of the bar, letting the rain drown me and praying the liquor will do just that.

*

There’s an empty bottle beside my bed. I grab her pillow and hold on to it, scared to cry because I don’t want to cover her smell. My eyes close, and I dream of a girl jumping off a bridge. She doesn’t land in the water this time, though. She soars. Her arms are spread wide, and she smiles at me. My crazy heart.

*

“Baby,” she whispers as I come out of my drunken sleep. I wake, but I’m the only one here. Rolling over, I cast my eyes to the ceiling as my chest quivers, and I sob like a small child.

*

Standing far away from the funeral Debbie planned, I hear the words the preacher says, and I direct my sight on my little girl holding Leigh’s hand. I grip on to the bottle and tip it up before walking away.

*

Rolling off the couch, I fall onto the floor and look up at the ceiling fan going round and round.

“Daddy.” I hear and look over to see Ellie.

“Are you okay?” she asks. Concern slips from her little lips and that makes me hurt more.

“No, baby. Daddy isn’t okay.” Sadness falls down her cheeks, and I sit up and hold my arms out for her to come to me. She does, and I grip her tight as we both cry.

*

Days go by and soon weeks do, too. I’m a wreck, but I pretend to be okay. I drink every night so I can fall asleep, and I’m a robot around my daughter who needs me to be strong. I can’t, though. I’m emptier than I once was, and more bitter than I’ve ever been. I’m broken beyond repair. I fool strangers, but my family and close friends know better.

I walk into work with whiskey on my breath. Anne calls me out.

“Go home, Cash. Get better for your daughter. For yourself, for Christ’s sake. Don’t you know I feel it, too? Don’t you know I’ve been where you are?”

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