Page 91 of Follow Your Bliss

“Do you want to talk about it?” Abby asked.

I pulled away and handed her the bucket list, grabbing the tissue box off the coffee table.

“What’s this?” She pushed her long braid over her shoulder and held the list so Heather could see it too.

“My bucket list from when I was in middle school. He must’ve made a copy of it after we dug up the time capsule. I can’t believe he’s had it all this time.”

Abby frowned. “Help me understand, love, because this is adorable.”

Heather looked around the church. “Is he home?”

“No. He’s out with friends.” I blew my nose until I had a healthy collection of snot rags on the floor. “I was doing laundry, and I found it in his pocket.”

Abby rubbed my back. “Why is this making you cry?”

I spilled the whole story. About Kasey and Jason’s mom and how my mom suddenly decided after nearly thirty years that maybe marriage wasn’t so bad. I told them about Fellatio Misty and how Lily mocked me, about how I now lived with my landlord who was “in love with me” but also wanted to keep me a secret from the people heactuallyloved.

“How can I trust him? I mean—Heather, you’re as commitment-phobic as me. Isn’t this shady as hell?”

“For sure. But girl…” She picked up the list and held it out to me. “I’m so confused. This is the list of a committed man. Why won’t he talk to his mom?”

“I don’t know. Maybe none of this matters, anyway. The worst part of Lily’s bullying is that she’s right. I’m a flashpanner. I always break up with men when things get too serious. But I can’t tell if Jason’s safe—i.e. not serious about me—or somebody I need to break up with. I’m stuck in this limbo.”

“Are those really the only two options?” Abby asked gently. “Stay because he doesn’t love you, leave because he does?”

“I don’t know. Those are the only two things I know how to do.”

“No, no,” Heather said. “You also know how to love yourself first and make hard choices when you have to. Maybe consult your tarot cards, pray about it. Get your head straight about what you really want, and trust yourself.” She squeezed my face in her hand. “You’re too amazing to stay with someone who isn’t proud to be with you.”

I blew my nose. “What I really want is to go back to playing around and having a ton of amazing sex and none of these Serious Thoughts and Complicated Feelings.” I tossed my tissue on the pile. “Everything was perfect before.”

Abby squeezed me. “If only you weren’t so lovable. Jason never had a chance.”

I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Why don’t you come to dinner with us?” Abby asked. “Could you use a girls’ night?”

I nodded. “I could. Y’all.” I looked between my two closest friends. “I’m so sorry. I was avoiding you and your offer to live with you. I’ve been so embarrassed that I failed in New York, and I was worried y’all would think less of me. Especially after throwing me a going away party and sending me off with all that money y’all collected.”

“Stop right there.” Heather leveled her brown eyes at me. “First off, you didn’t fail in New York. You rocked your internships. Lovelace Bridal even featured one of your designs in their fashion show! It’s ungodly expensive to live in New York, especially as an artist, who are never paid enough. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve talked about having your own label, and from where I’m sitting, you’re well on your way.”

“Absolutely!” Abby said. “Even if you had failed up there—and you didn’t—we love you and will support you no matter what. You’re so talented, and so hard-working. The only way you could fail is if you give up. And you’re too driven for that.”

“Thank you.” I dabbed at fresh tears. “I love you, too.”

They wrapped their arms around me in a big cuddly hug.

“We know,” Heather said. “Now go dress yourself in somethin’ slutty.” She threw her long, balayaged hair behind her. “And let’s make some boys cry because of how hot we are.”

Jason was already in bed when I got home. I almost went to sleep on that air mattress out of spite, but I’d missed him too much.

I’d no sooner crawled into bed when he rolled over and sleepily pulled me into his arms, kissing my head. With my back to his front, it didn’t take long for simple caresses on my arm and belly to arouse both of us. After a quickie in the dark, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

But he was gone when I woke up. I found him working in the rectory, pulling out sheet rock and refusing all my offers of help. Not even taking advantage of the clear message I was sending with the “Deck Daddy nailed me” tank top I was wearing without a bra.

But he agreed to let me smoke-cleanse the church, at least. So I did it in my tank top and panties just to lure him between my legs if he happened to walk inside. And now the air smelled pleasantly of mugwort and lavender. And since he sadly still wasn’t nailing me, I sat down to talk to my tarot cards about him.

I settled onto his plush living room rug at the coffee table with some tea and my favorite deck. Knocking three times on the stack of cards, I murmured, “Tell me about my relationship with Jason.”

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