Page 101 of Your Pucking Mom

“Yeah. Totally.” JXX was one of the best-looking guys at school. Every single girl at school wanted to be with him and every guy wanted to be like him, so taking me upstairs to show me this after all this time was wild.

I slowly followed him up the stairs, down the long hallway that seemed to stretch for miles. My mom always told me I was the reason she never ended up in the houses on this street because she had me, and my father hated me so much because I cried nonstop as an infant that he left. She’d tell me it was my fault that her future was never this bright.

“Cool house,” I said, trying to fill the quiet space. You could still hear the pumping of the music from up here, but it was muted, and when he pushed open the large door to the library, I was enveloped by silence.

“Holy shit,” I said as we pushed through the doors and walked to the middle of the library. “This looks like a museum.”

Walking into the library felt like we were stepping into a time capsule. The wooden walls had that old smell, like a mix of books and polished wood. The shelves were packed with books of all sizes and shapes.

The furniture added to the charm. Big chairs with fancy carvings looked so cozy, like they could swallow you whole. Some were so big they could pass for beds. I walked toward the center of one of the leather couch-beds and threw myself onto it, forgetting momentarily that I was not in my house and I was next to JXX.

Embarrassed, I got up from the couch and scooted to the edge. “Stay.” JXX walked over and sat next to me on the leather.

* * *

“Sunshine,” Ledger crooned. Without touching my cheeks, I could tell they were soaked with tears—and not because of a sudden downpour.

“I don’t remember his name, Ledger,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke.

Ledger scanned me with concern etched in the wrinkles beneath his eyes. “I don’t understand.”

“Me neither.” I sniffled. “When I was in therapy, I was told that it was a coping mechanism for the trauma that I went through. It’s like his entire identity vanished from my brain. I never asked Emma, never wanted to because I think deep down inside I didn’twantto know his name. I vaguely remember what he looked like. The only reason I can picture his face is because of the parts of Austin I don’t see in myself.”

Ledger’s hand never moved from mine as his thumb kept its steady rhythm of circling and applying pressure. “I don’t know his name, and even when my mother asked me who it was I couldn’t tell her. When Austin asks me who his father is, I don’t mean to keep it a secret from him. I genuinely don’t know.”

Ledger shook his head, and the birds reminded us we were still sitting in this beautiful garden. It felt ironic, really. Here I was baring my entire soul to Ledger—sharing something that was one of the worst things anyone could go through. It was such a dark and depressing time, yet I was sitting inside one of the world’s most pristine gardens.

It was a mask for the story I was sharing like I wore out in the world, covering up my scars. “I wish I could be normal,” I whimpered.

Ledger, without letting go of my one hand, brought me so close his body practically swallowed me. “Normal is boring.”

With unshed tears in my eyes, I dragged my head up to look into his whiskey-warm eyes. “I wish I could be safe.”

His forehead dropped. “I’m right here.”

* * *

“I’ve never noticed how beautiful you are in class.” I looked down at my top, feeling all too exposed and realizing when I sat down, it slipped down, so I was literally spilling out.

“You’ve never noticed me at all.” I shrugged, but something didn’t feel right, like all of the air was sucked out of the room, and I needed to get out—to breathe. I quickly went to adjust my top, and JXX’s hands stopped me.

“No.” His voice had dropped an octave.

I gave a wry smile as I attempted to swat his hand away, but his fingers only curled around my wrist tighter. “No,” he repeated.

I laughed, attempting to distract the alarm bells going off in my brain. “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” It was an easy lie I used to get myself out of this situation. I needed to leave as quickly as I could, but the door was so far away from me, and JXX was so much taller and stronger than me.

“No, you don’t. There isn’t a single person who’d date you,” he sneered, his fingers gripping the top of my shirt as he tore it open, exposing me. I felt a cold draft in the room and instinctively tried to cover myself, but he pinned one of my hands to the sofa, leaving me unable to use both hands to shield myself.

“I d-d-do,” I choked out. The door was so far away, but if I could twist out of his grip, then I could get over there. I could run. I didn’t practice, but I promised myself that when I got out of here I’d run for miles if that’s what it took to get out.

“Liar.” JXX gritted his teeth at me as one hand quickly went to my throat while the other started to massage my breasts.

“Fucking perfect.” He was choking me. Suddenly, I realized I would die, and Emma was downstairs. Because of the insulation in the room and the music downstairs, it didn’t matter how much I yelled. No one would hear me.

“Tell me what you want,” I said, as his grip loosened for a moment. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for what might happen next.

His nose caressed the side of my neck as his teeth came up to my ear, biting down hard on my lobe.

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