Page 71 of Sin With Me

Chapter18

Kate

What have Idone?

I had been kneeling in my grandparents’ chapel, away from town and away from Father Cameron, since sunrise. Shame and guilt tortured me. I couldn’t eat or sleep and wondered whether my words – apologies, to be exact – this morning would even be heard. I was a sinner who’d seduced a priest. I wore that enticing dress on purpose, and I kept longer eye contact with the intention of being noticed. It was me who brushed by him in the line, and it was me who couldn’t stop thinking about him. I drew him toward me, and now I had endangered not only my life but his. If anyone ever found out what I’d done… if anyone ever connected us, Cortez wouldn’t only be after me but after Father Cameron aswell.

Maybe it is time to leavePace?

I should have kept my distance, but I chose to get closer and closer. I made that choice. I asked him to sin with me. At this moment, I felt like my sins weren’t the only ones I was responsible for. I was responsible for mine as well ashis.

Despite my guilt, there was still that deep desire in my chest, one that wouldn’t go away, as well as happiness that I couldn’t explain, and each time I thought back to that moment where my back was pressed against the kitchen table and my thighs felt the friction of his hips, I couldn’t stop smiling. The pulsing intensified in my core as I lusted for him. There was not a sting of remorse in my heart for what I’d done, and if I had the chance, I’d do it again. I would sin again. And again. And that was yet anothersin.

I lifted my head, my gaze resting on the cross above. The orange hue of sunlight from a side glass stained window illuminated the nailed figure. It was only then that I realized the enormity of my sin and found it difficult to swallow. My head fell forward and just hung for what seemed like forever, wobbling from time to time. My mother would have been disappointed in me. Why did I have to fall for a priest? A stray teardrop fell to the beam where I rested my elbows.

Was praying even worth it? Because if I couldn’t forgive myself, how could I ask God to? Especially for something I didn’t regret and didn’t want forgiven. I lifted my bowed head and looked through the glass stained window at the chapel’s side, which disbursed the morning sun into different colors, casting the light in a vibrant pattern.

My knees felt bruised, and I stood up. The joint cracked and I massaged the area as I sat on the side bench underneath one of the windows. As I stepped in front of it, my one-inch heel caught between the boards in the process.

Great!

I tugged my leg, trying to wiggle my foot out, but the heel wouldn’t budge. I finally removed my foot from the shoe and crouched down to the floor. When I stood up, I turned around, lost balance, and screamed.

“Kate, it’s me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Father Cameron caught me by myarm.

I clutched my heart, holding on as my pulse rushed through my veins.

“Oh, it’s okay. I… I didn’t hear you comein.”

How could I not have heard him? These boards squeaked as soon as a fly sat on them. Okay, maybe not a fly, but a mouse could definitely set oneoff.

“You were lost in prayer. I didn’t want to interrupt. Do you mind if I have a seat?” He gestured to the bench with hishand.

“No, go ahead. I was about to take a little break aswell.”

I stepped sideways on the boards and they squeaked again as I rested on the side bench. I folded my hands over my lap and reached for my left knee, which was hurting more than the other.

“What happened there?” he asked.

“It’s from kneeling. The wooden boards aren’t as comfortable as the cushioned kneelers at church.”

“How long have you been kneeling?”

I didn’t have my watch or my cell phone. This morning, as I’d prayed, all sense of time disappeared. Looking at the higher sun, a good few hours must have passed.

“It’s been a while,” I answered.

“I looked for you at the church, then at home. I stopped by Lola’s aswell.”

“Was she the one who gave up my hidingspot?”

“I’m sorry that you feel like you have to hide, and I’m sorry for what Idid.”

“I hope you’re not sorry, because I’m not. I try to be, but I’m not. And as I recall, it wasn’t onlyyou.”

“No, it wasn’t. But I should have known better. I tested your faith, and now you have regrets. You’ll have them for the rest of yourlife.”

“Like I said, it wasn’t just you, Ca… Father.”

---