Page 94 of Good Half Gone

“You did the same thing to her,” I say. “The exact same thing as those pigs.”

He holds his hands in front of him as if he’s holding a basketball. “No. You of all people should understand the bond I had with Piper. You feel it too. We loved each other. We were going to be together…”

“Don’t make me fucking throw up. She was fifteen years old. You were a man! A man who got akidpregnant!”

“Yes. With Cal.”

“Don’t you fucking say his name!”

“You should be thanking me. You wouldn’t have Cal without me.”

I want to claw his eyes out. He is not worthy to speak Cal’s name.I release my clasped hands to point a warning finger at him and shake my head. “You leave him out of this.”

He holds up both hands, acquiescing.

“It was you who left the note on my door.”

“No, Ellis left the letter on your door.”

Jude doesn’t seem to notice my distress; he mistakes the look on my face for curiosity.

“When you have a good team, you don’t even have to delegate. They do what needs to be done. Ellis is on my team—our team. I’m not trying to lie to you, Iris. When I said I have feelings for you—that was a hundred percent the truth. You have to believe me.” He reaches for me, but I take a step back. For a minute he looks confused, like he can’t imagine why. Then he smiles like he knows me, like he can read me.

“Do you have a gun?” I ask.

“Don’t do that, Iris, look at me. Please.”

“Do you?”

He nods.

I have stopped listening. It was Piper I was seeing: her collection of smiles, her unwashed hair, the way she spat out the apple skin instead of peeling it beforehand. She liked exotic birds, the color blue, and the idea of being a surfer, even though she couldn’t swim. She wore the same puka shell necklace every day for a year, and when it finally broke, she had a tan line around her neck. She was deathly afraid of slugs and snails—anything slimy, though spiders didn’t bother her at all.

“We both know you can’t feel anything, Jude. That’s why you take from those of us who do.”

I see anger flash across his face. Then it’s gone, carefully folded away. I can’t tell if what I’ve said has bothered him, or if he’s pissed that the situation isn’t going his way. The entire time I was trying to get to Jude he was right there, in my life and in my body.

“I did lie to you, Iris, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t expect the feelings.Did you?” He runs his hands through his hair, smoothing it back. “I wanted to get to know you authentically as yourself, not as a shadow of your sister.” Anger boils and spits in my chest. I want to get as far away from him as I can.

“Please, just tell me where Piper is.” Lightning flashes. My voice is hoarse. I don’t want his lies or excuses; people are dead. “Where is Piper? You owe Cal his mother…”

He wasn’t expecting that. He looks annoyed.

“I’m leaving. I have a boat. I want you and Cal to come with me.”

“You…” My voice falters. “You murdered your wife and baby… Where is Piper, what did you do with her?”

“We can be together,” he says. “Piper brought us Cal, and now we can be the family you’ve always wanted. I hurt my wife, that’s true, but I didn’t murder my son. He died in his crib. I believe it was SIDS. What happened with Mary is separate from that. I promise you…”

“You buried them both in the fucking church cemetery in someone else’s grave…”

I look for shame in his eyes, or maybe even remorse, but there’s only a matter-of-fact man with his moral mask down in front of me. I’ve imagined this moment of confrontation a hundred thousand times, but I could not have conceived it would be with my lover.

“Where is my sister?”

“If you come with me, I’ll take you to her.”

I can’t tell if he’s lying. I don’t say anything.

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