Page 41 of Fumbling for Perfection

“He didn’t?” Rowan asks with a gasp.

“He did. I guess not soon enough.” I sink into the cushions and hug a pillow to my chest. “I have one working ovary, and less than a fifty percent chance of getting pregnant, and he barely trickles inside, and I get knocked up. A month before I’m to marry another man. My life is a fucking soap opera.”

“Oh, honey.” Rowan scoots closer to me. “Look at this as a blessing in disguise. You wanted to get pregnant. Jackson even encouraged you to get pregnant. He’ll be a great father.”

Kendall snorts. “No he won’t. He’ll be a fantastic godfather. Spoil the kid. Hire nannies. Make sure you and the baby are set for life. It’s kind of a dream of mine. Not that I want my own kids. Being surrounded by twenty kindergarteners six hours a day kinda kills the desire to raise my own humans. You, however, are going to be a kickass mom.”

“I don’t even know if I’m really pregnant yet. My period is always a mess, and I can’t remember the last time I had it. The stress from this wedding isn’t helping. It could be that.”

“You haven’t taken a test yet?” Rowan strokes my hair and gives my shoulders a hug.

I reach for the bag on the floor by the couch. “Not yet. I didn’t want to do this alone.”

“Not exactly the bachelorette party I envisioned.” Kendall rises to her feet and holds her hand out to me. “Let’s go pee on a stick, mama.”

Five minutes later, the three of us are sitting on the floor in my cramped bathroom staring at three tests, all with the same result.

“Well, shit.” Rowan lets out a sigh. “It’s not how you wanted this to happen, but you’ve always wanted to be a mother, Riley. This is good news.”

“One of your biggest worries about marrying Jackson was not having time to find a husband and get pregnant after you divorce in five years. Christ, that sounds all kinds of fucked up. You and Jackson counting down the years until you can divorce so he gets to keep his title and his trust fund, and you can find your forever man.”

“Now you don’t have to wait five years.” Rowan rests her head on my shoulder. “This baby is going to be so spoiled. By material things from Jackson, and so much love and attention from their aunties. We’re here for you, Riley. Anything you need, you name it.”

I shouldn’t be sad. I’m surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for and will have financial support as well as moral support. The only thing missing is the baby’s father.

And love. I wanted my children to grow up in a stable home with two loving parents. Something I only had for a few years before cancer took my mother from us, and grief took my father from me.

“I love you guys.”

We go back to the couch and finish our dinners, although I no longer have an appetite. My phone vibrates on the table and we all stare at the screen. I told them what Walker programmed into my phone, and this is the first time they’ve seenOh Godflash on the screen.

“You’re not telling him,” Kendall states the obvious.

“I can’t. It’s not fair to him. I guess it’s not fair to him either way. I don’t tell him, and he never learns he has a child. I tell him, and he learns I was engaged while we were together and I’m getting married in a week. Our child will be raised by another man. It’s a lose-lose.”

“I didn’t realize how much you care for him,” Rowan says.

“I didn’t either.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you need to cut ties with him. No more sex on the side.”

“I know.” My phone vibrates again. It’s Walker. Again. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t.” Kendall takes my phone and flips it over. “Ghost him. Ignore him.”

“No. That’ll only make him more curious. What if he comes to Boston again for work? Riley can only hide her pregnancy for so long.”

I fold my hands over my flat stomach. I can’t imagine myself round with a little baby kicking inside of me.

“Then you need to end it with him. Tell him you met someone else. It’s not a total lie.” Kendall hands my phone to me.

“Just like that? We go from explosive sex to sexting and flirting almost every day to see you later?”

“You were sexting him?” Kendall shakes her head. “My little Riley is growing up right before my eyes.”

“Maybe break it to him slowly. Don’t respond to his texts right away and mention something about going out with friends a lot more. And you should probably stop the sexting and flirting. In a few days, you can tell him this long-distance thing is too hard. Let him know he’s a great guy and you wish him well in life.”

Rowan is always a wealth of knowledge and comfort. We’re usually on the same page. “I tried that once before, telling him long distance was hard. And I don’t respond to his texts right away.”

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