Page 77 of Between Hate and Desire

Reaching over, I grab her hand and squeeze it. She doesn’t flinch or pull away, but I do before it gets awkward. I put my fingers back on the steering wheel, not knowing what came over me. It felt right and natural, and it must’ve for her too.

As I turn into the parking lot, we both stare at the building. Lennon lets out a deep breath and a nervous laugh.

“We’ve got this,” I tell her, then unbuckle and open the door. She follows my lead, and we head inside. We sit in the waiting room as she fills out the necessary paperwork, and a long twenty minutes later, they finally call her name.

For some reason, I’m as nervous as she is. I have no idea what to expect with a visit like this, so I can only imagine the anxiety she’s feeling. I don’t want there to be any issues with her or the baby for obvious reasons but also because she can’t handle any more bad news.

We follow the nurse to an exam room where they take her weight and height. The nurse asks her a thousand questions based on her paperwork, gets her blood pressure reading, and then asks about her last period. Lennon can’t give her the exact date, but she gives an estimated timeframe. If talking about this in front of me is awkward as hell for her, she doesn’t show it. Lennon answers all the questions effortlessly, describing how she’s been feeling and talking about her diet. Once the nurse has everything she needs, we’re informed that Dr. Potter will be in shortly.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor enters with a file in her hand. “There’s the happy couple! Congratulations on your pregnancy,” she says with a big smile, looking back and forth between us before taking her seat at the tiny desk.

“Oh, um,” I begin but quickly stop when Lennon speaks up.

“No, he’s not the father,” she explains, her bottom lip trembling.

I reach over and grab her hand, squeezing it again, just as I did in the truck. “It’s okay, Lennon.”

“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Potter immediately apologizes. “I know better than to assume.”

Lennon nods, and I lean back into my chair so the two can talk. “The father died in a motorcycle accident a couple of months ago. This is Hunter, his best friend.” She pauses, then adds, “Mybest friend.”

My heart falls into my stomach at her declaration. I know I shouldn’t allow those words to affect me, but they do. If being her best friend is all I can ever be, I’d still die a happy man by just getting to be in Lennon’s life at all.

The doctor’s eyes soften, and she apologizes profusely for her loss. Dr. Potter basically repeats everything the nurse asked, which is annoying that Lennon has to go through it twice. Talks about taking her daily prenatal vitamins and then discusses how far along she could be. Since the first day of her last period was over two months ago, the doctor recommends getting an ultrasound. She explains they’ll be able to get the baby’s measurements and better estimate her due date.

Once she’s finished with the office visit, we’re sent to another floor for the ultrasound. A tech brings us into a darkened room and explains the whole process to Lennon, which has my mind spinning. Since she’s apparently at the end of her first trimester, they can do a traditional ultrasound, whatever the hell that means.

As soon as Lennon lifts her shirt, I glance away to give her some privacy. Moments later, the ultrasound tech stands closer to her, so I take that as my sign it’s okay to look. Lennon’s jeans are lowered a bit where the wand is sliding over her belly. The screen grabs my attention as we watch weird movements play out. I have no idea what I’m looking at, but it doesn’t matter because soon, the tech explains everything in detail.

“See that little flutter there?” She points at the screen, and Lennon and I both look up. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat.” She grins, and I shift my gaze to Lennon, whose eyes are watering. She’s smiling, and I know how much this means to her. “Looks like you have an active little baby in there.”

I gasp when I see a seahorse shape swimming from one side to the other.

“Isn’t that cool?” Lennon asks me, bringing my attention back to her.

“You have a creature inside you,” I tease.

Lennon wrinkles her nose, and we both laugh.

The tech continues to take the measurements, making lines from one side to the other. I can’t help staring at the screen and then flicking my gaze to watch Lennon. It feels so surreal to be experiencing this with her. I can’t help the sadness that takes over, knowing Brandon will never get this opportunity. I’d take his place in a heartbeat so he could have his happy family.

“Alright…you ready for some pictures?” the tech asks, and Lennon lights up. “Let’s see if we can get some good ones. He or she is pretty excited in there.”

Lennon giggles as she watches the tech freeze the screen and take screenshots. “According to the measurements, you’re eleven weeks along, which makes your estimated due date December twenty-third.” The tech’s entire face lights up. “Ooh, maybe you’ll have a Christmas baby.”

“A baby for Christmas. Sounds like a Hallmark movie.” Lennon snorts and grins.

The tech finishes up, hands Lennon a towel to clean up, and then gives her half a dozen photos. Once she’s ready to go, we walk to the truck and ride in silence. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to put her on the spot either, so I don’t push it.

Lennon holds the photographs as if they’re her lifeline, almost as if they’ll disappear if she lets go. We pick up some food and bring it back to the apartment and eat. Instead of going back to work, I call my boss and tell him I’m taking the rest of the day off. I don’t want to leave Lennon right now. It’s been a big, emotional day for her. Hell, and for me. I’m in way over my head if that doctor appointment taught me anything.

“I can’t believe this,” she finally speaks as we sit at the table to eat.

I give her a small smile. “Well, you better because it’s happening.”

She stares at the wall, transfixed. “I’m having a baby. This is unreal. I mean, I always wanted kids. I knew I wanted a big family. But why right now?” She ponders, but it’s almost as if she’s thinking aloud to herself and doesn’t expect an answer. I wish I had answers for her, but I don’t. “It’s like Brandon left a piece of himself behind for me so I wouldn’t be alone forever,” she says.

My eyes soften, and my heart beats faster. “You won’t be alone forever, Lennon.”

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