Page 51 of Between Hate and Desire

We sit across from each other and eat in silence like usual.

Hunter plays on his phone, and I realize how awkward this must be for him to eat with his dead best friend’s girlfriend every night.

“I’m sorry I’m not better company,” I blurt without thinking.

He sets down his phone, then looks up at me with the most genuine expression. “I think your company is perfect.” He shrugs, moving his fork around his plate. “You don’t force me to talk about what happened or how I feel. You accept me how I am, and you have no idea how goddamn refreshing that is.” He pauses before adding, “Okay, well, maybe you do.”

I nod with a half-smile and move the chicken around on my plate, not eating. “I don’t want all this to be pretend, Hunter. That you’re forcing yourself to be nice to me when you wanna tell me to get the fuck out and move on with my life.” My voice cracks, and I suck in a deep breath, trying to get ahold of myself. “Without Brandon here, there’s no reason you should have to live with me. You didn’t choose me as a roommate, and I don’t want to be a burden. I was thinking before summer ends, I’ll look for a place of my own since this is your apartment.”

He slams down his fork, and when his eyes meet mine, he stares into my soul, seeing all my truths, my faults, and the raw, vulnerable version of me I hide from everyone.

“There’s no way in hell that’s happening. You’re staying here, Lennon. This is your home as much as it’s mine. And listen to me very carefully,” he says firmly, searching my face. “Brandon was like a brother to me, and I knew everything about him and could probably finish his sentences if I wanted to. We were inseparable. Practically grew up together in college. And the least I can do is what he’d want, which is to make sure you’re taken care of. He wanted us to get along and had asked me a million times over the past year not to keep fighting with you. But most importantly, he’d want us to lean on each other during this because he was important to both of us. I lost my best friend, but you did too, okay? No one, let me repeat, no one is forcing me to do shit.”

His words linger, and my heart threatens to beat out of my chest as I process his words. Hunter’s the type of man who says what he means and means what he says. But I can’t help but feel like a burden to him, and maybe I’m not right now, but I will eventually be when he’s ready to move on. Our situation isn’t a perfect one, but it’s ours, and I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. I’m grateful he’s not kicking me out on my ass because the thought of leaving right now seems impossible. It’s something I’ve thought about while on spring break even if I can’t afford to live alone on my teacher’s salary.

I swallow hard, keeping his gaze. “Thank you. I want us to get along too.” My voice comes out fragile and soft, but I don’t have the energy to try harder. I don’t know what else to say. My words sound so insignificant compared to his.

That earns me a relieved smile. “Good.”

After we’re finished eating, Hunter puts my remaining pasta in the fridge as he does every night, then we sit on the couch and watch TV, though I can’t pay attention to anything that’s happening. He flips through the channels, and soon, I’m yawning over and over.

Hunter tilts his head, giving me a worried expression. “Lennon.” His voice is just above a soft whisper.

When he looks at me with gentleness in his eyes, it brings me back to the first night we met at the bar. The Hunter sitting beside me is the man I met two years ago, not the asshole I’ve been living with for the past year.

“You can’t continue to bunk on the couch. It’s not comfortable, and I know you’re not getting any rest. You’re always tired and going to burn out. You need a real bed.”

I shake my head to argue. “I can’t…I can’t sleep in that bed, Hunter. With his side empty. It’s cold and bare without him. The sheets still smell like him. It’s painful enough to walk in there in the mornings. I…”

For a moment, he watches me, then sucks in a deep breath as if he’s contemplating something. Taking me by surprise, he places his hand on top of mine and squeezes. “You can have my room then. You have to get some sleep.”

I’m shocked he’d even offer, but he’s been surprising me a lot lately. “I don’t want to lie in the same bed a hundred other women have slept in,” I say, trying to break the tension in the room while cracking a smile.

Hunter removes his hand and sticks up his pinky. “What if I swear to put clean sheets on for you?”

I twist the corner of my lips, pretending to think about it. “And flip the mattress?” I ask, with raised eyebrows.

“Damn, girl,” he says with amusement, dropping his arm. “You’re a tough negotiator.”

I give him big puppy dog eyes, and he rolls his.

“Fine, if that’s what you want, Lennon. I’ll even spray Lysol and light one of your girly candles if that’s what it’ll take for you to finally get a good night’s sleep.”

When I don’t answer right away, Hunter stands and crosses his arms over his broad chest. “Well?” He looks even larger when he towers over me, making me feel small and fragile. Though I’m sure that’s how most women feel around him. His muscles alone could crush me if he wanted to.

I study his hard expression, realizing he won’t take no for an answer. I bite my lower lip as I try to imagine myself in Hunter’s room. In his bed. As weird as it is, I know he’s right. The couch fucking sucks. “Okay.”

“Thank God.” He releases a relieved breath, which makes me smile. He does care. “Never had to persuade a woman into my bed before. Thought you were gonna make me go on my knees and beg for a minute there,” he teases, which quickly eases the tension.

“And for a minute, I thought you were being a gentleman,” I fire right back, though I’m chuckling at his exaggerated relief.

“I very much am.” Hunter winks before he takes off down the hallway. I gather my pillow and blanket from the couch, then hear him flipping the mattress, which makes me laugh.

A few more moments pass before he returns. “It’s all yours,” he says, waving his hand out to gesture for me to walk ahead of him.

Once we reach his room, I open the door and glance around. I realize I’ve never been in here longer than it took to throw in the random bras and panties I found lying around the apartment. Relief floods over me that I might actually get some rest. I’m exhausted from trying to get through everything while sleeping on the most uncomfortable couch of my life. Not that I’m surprised. They probably bought it cheap while they were in college since it’s been here the whole time I’ve known Brandon.

“Let me know if you need anything else.” Hunter turns with his pillow and blanket to walk away, but I reach for his arm and stop him.

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