Page 50 of Between Hate and Desire

I’m up before my alarm goes off as usual. My back aches from sleeping on the couch, but I can’t lie in our bed, the one we’ve shared for almost a year. A fucked-up part of me even wants to leave his dirty clothes and shoes on the floor from when he changed to go ride. Loose coins from his pockets are scattered on the nightstand, and everything is exactly how it was the last time he was here. It’s a time capsule of our life together, and I don’t want to disturb it.

I’ve been sleeping on the couch and only go into our bedroom to grab clothes, but otherwise, I avoid it as much as possible.

The apartment is dark as I stumble down the hallway. As soon as I open my bedroom door, I turn on the lights and hurry to grab the things I need before going to the bathroom. As I stand in the shower, feeling the streaming water fall over me, my emotions start to bubble. Every morning, I used to sing as loudly as possible to start my day. However, I haven’t felt like it lately. Though I’m sure Hunter is thrilled since he hated it so much. Singing always made me so happy, but right now, there’s nothing to be happy about.

After I dress, I walk into the living room and realize how early it is. It dawns on me how clean the apartment is too, which is odd, considering I haven’t been keeping up with it. Hunter always had a disaster waiting for me in the mornings, and now he’s cleaning up after me.

The sun hasn’t risen yet, so I snatch my phone from the floor where I left it last night and see it’s barely past six. Instead of sitting around in a dark room, I decide to grab my bag and go to work early. Hopefully, today will go by fast, though I couldn’t be so lucky.

I arrive at school an hour and a half before my first class and keep myself busy by reorganizing the instruments we used in the spring program. The last time I was here was for the performance, so my classroom is a complete mess. I’m grateful it keeps me busy until my students arrive. Since school will be ending within the next few weeks and summer vacation will begin, I planned to teach them the history of some of the greatest composers to ever live like Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach.

The day passes by quickly, and when I take lunch, I feel the stares of the other teachers, and all I can do is pretend nothing’s wrong and smile. When I heated my leftovers in the teacher’s lounge, I could’ve sworn I heard someone talking about me outside the door, and as much as I wanted to confront who was gossiping, I decided it wasn’t worth it. After I finish eating—or try to, considering my appetite is nonexistent—it’s time for class to start again.

I feel as if I’m on a stage, putting on an act for each of my classes as we talk about eighteenth-century composers, but I’m grateful I don’t have to sing right now, or I might burst into tears. Soon, the day is ending, and I’m relieved to be in the confines of the apartment. After I park and climb the stairs, I sit in the same place I’ve been sitting every single day. I lean my head back and close my eyes.

For a moment, I think I hear Brandon calling my name. My eyes pop open, and I look around. My blood rushes and pumps through my body, and I try to calm down, realizing I must have dozed off because I’m so damn exhausted, but it sounded so real. Before I’m able to get too lost in my thoughts, my phone rings, and it’s Maddie.

Each time she calls me, a picture of us when she first moved to California flashes across the screen. It brings a small smile to my face, and I hurry and answer the call before she’s sent to voicemail. There aren’t many people I want to talk to right now, but I’ll always answer the phone for my sisters anytime they call.

“Hey!” Her excited voice makes me smile.

“Hey, what’s up?”

She barely lets me get my words out before she’s squealing in my ear.

“I was picked! I got the part!” She shouts so loud, I pull the phone away for a split second.

“Oh my God, Maddie!” I shout right along with her. “I’m so happy for you! I’m so sorry, I forgot about your auditions.”

“Lennon. You’ve had a lot on your plate lately. But I had to tell you because we talked about it not too long ago.”

“I’m so proud of you, Mads. Seriously, you have no idea. If anyone deserves this, it’s you. You’re always pushing yourself to the limit and rehearsing all the time, and it’s paid off.”

As she continues talking, the smile in her voice is contagious, I can’t stop from grinning.

“And guess what? They’re even paying me!”

I chuckle. “Because you’re a pro! So happy for you.”

“Oh my gosh.” She sounds out of breath now. “I need to call Sophie. Then Mom and Dad. I think I need to celebrate. Maybe we can go out soon and do that?”

“Definitely. You’ve got it. I’ll let you go so you can tell the masses. Love you.”

“Love you too, Lennon. Bye!”

I end the call, and it’s the first time in a while I’ve felt real happiness, and it seems almost foreign. Eventually, I close my eyes and find myself drifting off again, but this time, I welcome it.

A strong hand on my shoulder gently shakes me awake.

“Brandon,” I whisper half-asleep, but when I slowly blink my eyes open, it’s Hunter, and his face floods with sadness.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, sit up, and smell Italian food.

Hunter makes sure I’m eating every day even when I tell him I’m not hungry. My life has become routine, and today is no different. He graciously brings me food, and I barely speak to him, though he seems to be okay with just my company. Never in a million years did I ever think we’d be able to even sit in the same room without strangling one another, and now we’re having meals together.

“It’s okay. I picked up chicken fettuccine Alfredo and got some of those rolls you love,” he says, smiling.

I appreciate how sweet he’s being, but I wonder when this will end, when he’s going to get sick of me and push me away.

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