Page 43 of Between Hate and Desire

“Are you done?” I ask when she abandons her barely eaten food and lies back down.

She nods.

Pushing myself up, I grab our dirty dishes and go to the kitchen. I rinse and put them in the dishwasher, a skill Lennon always thought I couldn’t figure out. Except who does she think did them before she moved in? Though, before she insisted she buy new china, we used paper plates and a mismatched set we’d bought from the thrift store.

Once I’ve cleaned up and put the leftover food in the fridge, I head back to Lennon and see her knees up to her chest with her arms wrapped around her legs. I wish I could take her pain away even though I’d never be able to.

“Going to bed?” I ask, grabbing the remote to turn off the TV.

“I’m sleeping here,” she says. “I can’t sleep in there.”

Lennon pinches her eyes shut, and I can see her lip visually trembling, so I don’t push her on it.

“Okay,” I say, setting the remote back down and grabbing the pillow and blanket. I place it on the floor next to her just like last night.

“What’re you doing?” Her sad eyes meet mine.

“I’m not letting you stay out here alone,” I tell her. “Want another blanket?”

She blinks up at me. “Sure.”

Once I grab one, I drape it over her body. Then I turn off the living room light and settle into my makeshift bed. Lennon hasn’t broken down since her sisters left hours ago, but now as the silence and darkness surround us, she tries to keep her tears and emotions at bay but can’t.

God. Hearing her cry is fucking ruining me. If I hadn’t been such an asshole toward her during the past two years, she’d trust me to comfort her. The pain she’s feeling is bound to be on a level greater than even I can understand. We both loved Brandon, but she wasinlove with him. I can’t begin to fathom losing the love of my life, and my heart fucking aches for her, for what she no longer has, for what she lost—a good man, best friend, a future husband even.

The last part punches me straight in the goddamn gut as I remember the conversation Brandon and I had not too long ago. I push the thoughts away, hoping I don’t lose my dinner because I’m so fucking sick over it that I might.

“Tomorrow’s a new day, Lennon. We’ll get through this, okay?” I tell her, hoping it’ll calm her and hoping it will calm me too.

I hold on to tomorrow like a candle in the darkness, a light that will guide us into the morning as I close my eyes and try to think of nothing. Only time can heal this pain, but the seconds feel like minutes and minutes like hours as the past day continues to play on repeat.

We’ll survive this, won’t we?

Lennon speaks up as if she’s read my mind, but she’s only responding to my last comment.

“We have to. There’s no other option.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

LENNON

I’m livingin my own personal hell, a nightmare I can’t seem to wake from. Shock and anxiety have become my best friends and never leave my side. They’re determined to swallow me whole and smother me until I’m no longer here. One moment, I’m okay. The next, I’m so lost and broken I feel as if I’m dying from the inside out. My heart hurts, and heaviness weighs on me while I drown in emptiness. No one understands this from my perspective. How could they?

I’ve cried myself to sleep the past two nights at the reality I’ll never see him again. I try to remember his voice and think about how he’d make sure to tell me good night before we went to bed. The past few mornings have been the worst, though, because I dream of him and wake up to a new day without him in it. The smell of Brandon is already fading, and though it’s only been two days since the accident, I already feel as if he’s slipping through my fingers. The thought of my love becoming nothing more than a memory causes tears to well on the edge of my lids. I’m surprised I have anything left.

The last conversation I had with him plays on repeat in my mind. One of the last things he said before driving away was how much he loved me. Every chance he had, he told me how much I meant to him, and I wish I could see him or kiss him or hold him again. Just one more time.

I sit up on the couch, careful not to step on Hunter. He hasn’t left my side because I can’t find the courage to sleep in my bed.

Brandon and I were supposed to get married, have kids, and grow old together. We were going to have a million grandchildren and spoil them rotten. We dreamed big, and it always included each other. I believed with every fiber of my being that he was the man I’d be with for the rest of my life. This was supposed to be the beautiful beginning of our love story, not the fucking end.Not the end.

But itisthe end…

I gasp and feel as if I can’t breathe as the weight of it all comes pounding down again.

Tears threaten to pour out, but this time, they’re accompanied by anger. I force myself to stand, walk around Hunter’s body, then go to the bathroom. My movements are robotic as if I’m on autopilot because essentially, I am. I eat and breathe because I have to, not because I want to. The hollow shell of me goes through the motions of living, but I don’t know how I’ll ever move on from this.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that my kids at school need me. I hold on to that like a life jacket, and right now, it’s saving me from drowning.

---