Page 166 of Between Hate and Desire

“She’s gorgeous, Lennon,” Sophie says.

“She really is,” Maddie adds.

They’re both tearing up and staring at my precious girl.

“Hey, baby,” I whisper, my bottom lip trembling as I brush a finger against her cheek. “You’re finally here.”

“Do you want to cut the cord, Daddy?” a nurse asks, and the four of us freeze.

“No, I think Mommy should,” he answers without missing a beat. “She’s the one who did all the work.”

I look up at Hunter with tears in my eyes, and though my vision is a bit fuzzy, I see the admiration in his expression, and I want to pull him into the biggest hug for being here for me. He encouraged me nonstop, let me squeeze the shit out of his hand, and whispered in my ear not to give up when I felt I couldn’t do it anymore.

He’s truly one of a kind.

The next couple of hours are insane. My head spins as everything happens so fast. I cut the cord, then they stitch me up as the nurses finish cleaning up the baby, then hand her back to me all wrapped up. My emotions bubble over with the realization that she’s really mine.Mylittle girl.

Doing skin to skin was important to me, so they let me unwrap her and lay her on my bare chest for an hour before they took her for shots and tests. I hate that Brandon isn’t here to be with her, and as if Hunter senses my anxiety, he asks if I want him to go with her. I nod and ask him to take pictures or not let her out of his sight. For all the hospital knows, he is the dad, and if that’s what it takes to give me peace of mind, then I’d scream it from the rooftops. No matter what, he’ll always be someone important in her life.

Sophie and Maddie stay with me while I’m wheeled into a new room. I didn’t even realize they were taking photos until I see all the pics they got, and as soon as they message them over, I send one to my mother.

Lennon

She’s here. Healthy and perfect. I hope you meet her someday.

I don’t know if she’ll respond or even care at this point, but I won’t let her use it against me in the future that I didn’t tell her.

A nurse wheels the baby into my room with Hunter on her tails, and he winks as soon as he sees me. This man never ceases to amaze me. He’s been so protective of me, does whatever I need, and I know, without a doubt, he won’t be any different with the baby.

“She has a good set of lungs on her,” the nurse teases. “She’s ready to eat.”

Hunter excuses himself when the nurse starts talking about breastfeeding, and I know this is probably uncomfortable for him. I read up on it as much as I could, but I seriously have no idea what I’m doing. The nurse helps me, and within a matter of ten minutes, the baby has latched on and is sucking away.

“Try to get her to switch to the other breast in about five minutes or so,” the nurse instructs before she leaves.

“Does that hurt?” Maddie asks, wrinkling her nose. “Your boobs are massive, by the way.”

“Thanks.” I snort. “It feels…weird. I read that it hurts after a while, though,” I say, staring at this little human I’m now responsible for.

“She really is beautiful,” Sophie gushes. “I can see Brandon in her.”

I smile. “Me too.”

“Did you choose a name?” Maddie asks.

“Yeah, I think so…” I rub the pad of my finger along her forehead. Her hair is light, like mine, but she has Brandon’s nose. “I was torn between two, but after seeing her, I think she definitely looks like an Alison.” I stare, captivated by her little features. “After?—”

“The singer of your favorite song,” Sophie interjects. “Alison Krauss.”

“Yep,” I say proudly.

After I manage to switch her to the other side, she proves to be an eating champ, and I’m so grateful. I’ve read breastfeeding horror stories, and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to or she wouldn’t latch on. I know we aren’t out of the woods yet, but it gives me a sense of pride to be able to feed her right away.

After feeding Alison, my sisters get ready to leave, knowing I need to rest, but they promise to be back later that evening. Hunter returns just as they head out, and I tell him it’s okay if he goes home to sleep too. Of course he insists he’s fine.

“My brother says congrats,” he tells me, taking a seat in the rocking chair next to me.

“Oh, tell him thank you. You called him?”

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