Page 165 of Between Hate and Desire

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You two are gonna give me a heart attack. Stop freaking me out!” I shout.

I stay on the phone with them until they enter my room.

“Whew, no baby yet,” Maddie says when she sees me.

Rolling my eyes at her dramatics, I give them hugs as soon as they come to me.

“Where’s loverboy?” Sophie asks with a shit-eating grin.

“Don’t start with me. I’m about to pop out a baby!” I scowl. “I told him to go get coffee since he was falling asleep. He should be back soon.”

They sit with me as I recap everything that’s happened. I sent my boss a text and let her know what was going on, and Hunter said he was taking his vacation early, which made me feel guilty as hell, but arguing with him about it was pointless. He’d do it regardless.

Hunter returns with a large hot coffee and a cup of ice chips for me. My stomach is growling, but I’m not allowed to eat until after, which is horseshit if you ask me. They probably say that so you’ll work harder at pushing your baby out. Like a weird labor incentive.

My sisters and Hunter keep a conversation going, occupying me while time feels like it’s dragging. Everything felt so rushed, and now that I’m situated, this waiting game is for the birds.

Finally, my doctor comes in with two nurses to see how far I’m dilated. Hunter stays by my head as they check me and announce I’m fully dilated, and they’re going to get everything ready now.

“What does that mean?” Maddie asks giddily. “Is it baby time?”

“Yep, gonna have you start pushing in a minute, Lennon.” The nurses move effortlessly around the room to set up for delivery. When Dr. Potter and I discussed my birth plan at my last appointment, I told her I wouldn’t have my mom or the father of the baby with me, so I wanted my two sisters in here instead. I hadn’t decided on asking Hunter at that point, but there’s no way I want him to leave now. In fact, my chest tightens at how real and fast this is all happening.

Suddenly, I feel like I can’t do this. It doesn’t feel right.

“Hunter,” I mutter softly, but when his gaze finds mine, I know he heard me over all the commotion.

“Yeah? Are you okay?” He leans over so we’re only inches apart.

“I’m freaking out. I don’t know why.”

“Lennon, look at me…”

I release a short breath and stare into his intense eyes.

“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met, and I know deep in my heart that you can do this, you hear me? I know you wish Brandon were here with you, but you have to believe he is. He’s going to be watching over you and the baby for the rest of your lives, so use that comfort to give you strength.”

I steady my breathing and nod frantically, tears blurring my vision at how soothing his words are to me.

“You’ve got this, Lennon. I know you do,” he encourages, his tone firm and confident.

“I couldn’t do this without you, Hunter,” I tell him with pure vulnerability. “Thank you for being here. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

“I’m here, Lennon.” He winks, then leans down and presses his lips to my forehead. “No matter what, remember?”

Hunter’s motivational chat distracted me while the nurses finished up everything, and now the doctor tells me it’s time to start pushing. Dr. Potter gives directions to Sophie and Maddie, who are in charge of holding my feet up while I’m breathing through the contractions. When I’m not, I’ll rest them in the stirrups for a few seconds before starting again.

“Got it?” Dr. Potter asks us. “Teamwork.”

“I’m exhausted already,” I quip.

“Don’t say that yet, Mama. Let’s do a practice push for ten seconds.”

The next ninety minutes test everything inside me as I sweat, curse, and groan. When the doctor saysone more push and she’ll be here, I picture Brandon’s face. Tears stream down my cheeks as the sadness of him not being here hits me harder than ever before, and I use every ounce of bitterness I have to push as hard as I can.

Then the world stops.

And my body proves it’s much stronger than I ever thought possible. When I finally take a breath, I feel her little body being placed on my chest. The nurses wipe her clean as I look at her precious face looking back at me. I tear up at how much I already love her. Her arms and legs flail and stretch as she tries to cry, and I’m too in shock to know what I’m supposed to do.

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