Page 134 of Between Hate and Desire

She looks at me, her bottom lip quivering. Maybe I’ve pushed her too far, but she’s not going down without a fight.

Lennon opens her mouth and closes it once again, then refuses to meet my eyes. “All of this is so fucking wrong, I can’t even see straight. Telling me that you always had feelings for me istoomuch. I can barely understand it because you made me so damn miserable!” She’s screaming, her eyes wide with anger. I can only focus on the fact she’s avoiding what her heart is saying because she feels guilty about it. Her actions always speak louder than words.

I know this is confusing to hear because of the way I treated her in the past, how I wanted to rescue her after Brandon passed away, and especially now that I’m telling her how I truly feel.

Holding up my hands, I need her to calm down so I can get out what I need to say. “Lennon, I know!” I’m as heated as she is. “But can you think about my situation for two fucking seconds? For all these years, all I ever wanted was to forget about you. I didn’t want to have feelings for you once I knew you were with Brandon. I wanted you out of my goddamn head because it was poison to feel that way about my best friend’s girlfriend. But nothing I did helped. Not fucking random women. Not treating you like trash. Nothing. Me being an asshole, me pushing you away? That was me pretending, Lennon. I constantly lied to myself, hoping I’d get over whatever it was I felt, but nothing fucking worked,” I shout. “But these past few days with you”—I wave a finger back and forth between us—“were one hundred percent real for me. I know it’s fucked up, trust me, and I hate that I could never get over you. But think about this for a moment. Brandon was my best friend, and I loved him like a brother. No matter how I felt, I never wanted to do or say anything to jeopardize what you two had because I knew it was special. I could see how much you meant to him, so I sat on the sidelines, but it didn’t mean my feelings weren’t there. It meant I had to choke on them every time I saw you with him.”

I expose my soul to her, letting the past two years of pent-up emotions release without thinking about the consequences. But that’s what happens when feelings are covered—they boil over, and someone gets burned.

Lennon paces in front of me, looking at the floor, and she’s sealed up so tight, it’s almost scary.

The tension and quietness scream at me. “Lennon. Can you say something?Please?” I plead. I dropped a huge confession bomb on her, but I’m desperate for a response. Time slows down, and the silence kills me, but I’m not walking away from this or her. I’ll wait.

She finally meets my gaze with tears in her eyes, then shrugs. “What do you want me to say right now? I-I don’t know how to process this, Hunter. I’ve got a lot of things to work out in my head. I don’t have any words. You’ve left me speechless.” She throws her arms up before slapping them down to her sides.

I can tell she’s upset with me, but this isn’t over yet. I’ve opened the door to this conversation, and now I’m walking through. There’s no turning back now that it’s all out there.

“I don’t know…anything! Admit that I’m not alone in feeling this way, tell me to fuck off, tell me it’s all one-sided. Just say something!” I’m no longer being rational, my feelings completely on the line as I beg for her to admit what I know is in her heart.

“I don’t know what to think! You changed overnight the day Brandon died, and now I’m supposed to believe you had feelings for me all along? That our fake relationship was real to you? What am I supposed to say? That maybe I did feel something too, but—” Lennon stops herself as tears surface in her eyes.

“You don’t have to say it, Lennon,” I tell her when I see how hard she’s struggling with this realization. I know the guilt she feels because of Brandon. I feel it too. “But can you answer one question for me at least?” I ask, then continue when her eyes meet mine. “That night we met at the bar, I asked you to come back. Why didn’t you? I had planned to ask for your number and always wondered what scared you off. I could never figure out why you didn’t choose me because I would’ve bet my life that you felt the connection between us. You can’t tell me it was all in my head.” Laying it all out there—my soul, my heart, my feelings—I’ve wondered for two years and need to know. Even if I don't like her answer, at least I’ll know and can put it to rest.

With her head slightly tilted, her eyes finally meet mine. She looks confused as hell as if she’s staring at a stranger, but I see a flicker of something behind her eyes. Want? Need? Maybe I’m imagining it, but I don’t think I am.

“Hunter…” she says softly, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

“I wanna know, Lennon,” I demand, holding my stance. I’m in too deep to back out now.

“Okay, fine,” she responds, then swallows hard. “I watched you that night and contemplated going back to talk to you, but you were surrounded by beautiful women all fighting for your attention. I overheard one talking about how she had slept with you the weekend before. It was clear to me that you were a player, and I wasn’t looking for that. I figured I’d never see you again. I?—”

“Lennon,” I cut her off, her words a dagger to my pounding heart. I’m a fucking idiot. “That was my lifestyle back then, there’s no denying that, but you were the only woman I saw that night,” I admit, my throat threatening to close up. “I felt it from the moment I met you.”

She sucks in a breath, and her shoulders rise and fall. “I wanted more than a weekend fling, and I knew you’d be a heartbreaker. You know my past, Hunter. You know how my ex hurt me. I felt like I could never satisfy someone like you, that I would never be enough. I didn’t want to compete for your attention. After listening to those women talk, I realized you were nothing more than a fuckboy with good looks to back it up. I couldn’t risk getting hurt again.”

Frowning, I step toward her, needing to close the gap between us. I brush my thumb over her cheek, feeling the softness against my skin and craving more. “I was, but trust me when I say things would’ve been different with you. I would’ve done anything to make you happy and treated you right. Since that night, you’ve been the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted even when it was wrong.”

My words linger in the air as she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. She has no reason to believe me after what I put her through, but everything I’ve said is one hundred percent honest and genuine. Whether or not she’ll believe me after everything we’ve been through is what has me holding my breath, anxiously waiting.

Lennon squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Hunter.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

LENNON

When I look at Hunter,I feel as if my body’s on fire. He drops his hand, and as soon as I lose his touch, I miss it.

He’s felt like this since the beginning? All that time, he treated me like shit because he hadfeelingsfor me? My head spins from his confession and the way I haven’t allowed myself to admit my own feelings—the ones I’ve been avoiding.

You’ve been the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted.

“I’m sorry, Hunter.” I close my eyes for a moment, and when I open them again, his head falls. “I’m still in love with Brandon, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be over him. This is a lot to take in right now.”

“I know,” he replies softly. “I shouldn’t have done that or pushed this conversation.”

Am I that surprised? Should I have seen the signs earlier? He took care of me right after Brandon died, refused to leave my side, and pretended to be my husband so my parents would accept the baby. How much of that was his loyalty to his best friend and how much of it was because of his unrequited feelings for me this whole time?

“You’ve never been in a serious relationship and say that you would’ve tried to make me happy and all that, but you have no idea what would’ve happened between us,” I tell him. “How could you flip a switch just like that and leave your bachelor days behind for me?” My heart is lodged in my throat, and I’m not sure it’s even beating anymore. I’m currently living in the twilight zone, and I’m almost tempted to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. My thoughts are all over the place, and I can’t think clearly as his words repeat in my ears.

---