Page 135 of Between Hate and Desire

“I might not be able to predict the future, but I would’ve done everything in my power to do things right with you. I wouldn’t have fucked up that chance. Things have always been different with you, and I can promise I’d never hurt you. But the moment I saw you with Brandon, that was it. I wasn’t going to interfere, but I never understood why you didn’t give me a chance, Lennon. Guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.” He wraps both hands around his head and squeezes the tension in his neck as if he’s blaming himself for why I didn’t return.

“I did feel something that night, Hunter,” I admit. “We shared a moment and had a connection. It was evident as soon as I saw you.” I feel guilty even saying this aloud, but he deserves to know. “And if I’m being honest, my insecurities got the best of me. Seeing those other women flirting with you—hearing what they were saying about you—I knew I didn’t want anything to do with that. Then I met Brandon…”

“You don’t have to go on,” he tells me as if it’s painful to hear. “Brandon was the best guy I knew, and you two were perfect for each other. I wasn’t blind. I saw it.”

I swallow, holding back tears. God, why is this so hard? How is it possible to be torn between two men when one isn’t even here anymore?

Feeling like my legs might give out on me, I walk to the couch and sit.

Of course Hunter follows, but he sits on the opposite end, leaving space between us. He doesn’t take his eyes off me as I try to work through all of this. It’s almost too much to process on top of everything else that’s happened. I replay Utah in vivid detail—the things he said and the way he kissed me and continually swept me off my feet. I can almost hear my parents talk about how in love we looked and how it made them happy.

It all makes sense now because Hunter wasn’t pretending.

But was I?It was way too easy to fall into our roles.

In the past, I’d thought maybe he was upset because I stole his best friend. I had an inkling once when we ran into each other in the kitchen that first night that he was annoyed I went home with Brandon instead of him, but I’d convinced myself he hated me for ruining his bachelor pad. Considering he’s had numerous women in his bed, I never thought he was still hung up on that night, or that the one moment we shared in the pitch-black bar mattered to him.

The bottom of my emotions is ready to fall out at any moment, but somehow, I keep it together as I stare at the blank television. Guilt bubbles inside me, and I feel like I might throw up, but I push it away. I rub my hands over my face, needing to be alone for a few minutes to gain my composure.

“I’ll be right back.” I stand and head to the bathroom, swallowing down my dinner that’s begging to make a comeback. I turn on the faucet, suck in deep breaths, then splash cool water on my burning cheeks and neck. Each time he’s said he’d be there for me, there wasn’t a doubtful bone in my body. Deep down, I knew his words were sincere, and this is why. As my sisters said, we’re in a weird non-relationship relationship.

Just as Hunter asked, I force myself into his position and imagine having to watch the person I like not only be with someone else, but my best friend, every single day. And damn. It’s hard as hell. Avoiding Brandon’s and my relationship was impossible. I finally understand why he was such an asshole, especially when Brandon and I’d kiss or hug. Jealousy drove his actions, and it was easier to openly hate it because it must’ve hurt and affected him every time.

Living in this apartment with me had to be his own personal hell. Like a drug addict, Hunter couldn’t walk away, regardless of how bad being around us was for him. I shake my head, turn off the water, and wipe my face on a clean towel. Sucking in a deep breath and letting it out, I finally understand the past two years in a way I never have.

Between Jenna, lying to my parents, finding out Hunter can’t have kids, and learning how he truly feels—this week has been strange and confusing as hell. I’m not sure I can take anything else on top of what I’ve already been through this year before I finally break.

I think about Sophie and Maddie, who made comments about us all along. I can already imagine the looks on their faces when I mention it and am not looking forward to all the “told you sos” they’re going to throw my way. Though I’m stalling, I know I can’t stay camped out in the bathroom all night. It’s time to put on my big girl panties and face him and the feelings I can’t bring myself to accept.

I walk into the living room and find Hunter sitting on the couch watchingFriends. It’s one of my favorite episodes when Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel passionately kissing. Immediately, I’m drawn in and sit too. Each time Ross says he’s fine in a high-pitched tone, when he’s obviously not fine, I find myself laughing. Hunter’s chuckling along with me, and it’s almost easy to pretend we’re the people we were before Utah, before his confessions, before any of it. I’m not sure we can ever go back to being just two friends.

Not anymore. Not after tonight.

The awkward tension presses on, and I know I’m being weird. Hunter ignores the way I’m acting and sits there as if he didn’t just admit the way he’s always felt about me.

As we start the next episode ofFriends, I’m lost in my thoughts, and a sense of sadness washes over me when I glance at Hunter. Knowing he can’t have kids hurts my heart because I know without a doubt he’d be a damn good father, especially after how much he’s helped me. How many men want to read pregnancy books? Hunter learns every detail eagerly to make sure the baby and I are okay and taken care of.

Knowing this makes sense as to why he was so adamant about me trusting him, and while I did, I had doubts. I understand why he was so confident about Jenna’s baby not being his. Because it’s not. I saw the results of his test.

He’s already had to live a life where he was forced to sit on the sidelines and had to watch me and Brandon. Will the baby be a reminder that he can’t have kids? Will it be painful for him? My emotions lurch forward, taking over, and I try not to allow them to get the best of me, but I’m so sad for him.

“What’s wrong?” he asks when I wipe my cheek.

Damn tears, always slipping out of my eyes, especially when I don’t want them to.

“Nothing.”

He tilts his head, smirking. “Really?”

Hiding anything from him is impossible, considering he sees everything. The man knows me better than I know myself most days. “I’m upset for you.”

His eyebrows squish together, and his smirk fades. “Why?”

“Because,” I whisper, turning my head away from him. Grabbing the remote, he pauses the TV and waits. There’s no getting out of this, so I just spill it. “Because you want kids of your own. And it makes me sad for you. You’d make such a great dad.”

A small smile touches his lips, but his brown eyes pierce through me. “See, that’s the thing about you, Lennon. You care so much about other people and their situations, even while you’re going through your own shit. I came to terms with my reality of not being able to have children a long time ago. I was upset at first, considering my chances were slim to nothing. It destroyed me for a while, and Hayden had to talk me off the ledge several times. But I’ve accepted it.”

My heart thumps harder and faster. “Is it reversible?”

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