Page 130 of Between Hate and Desire

Needing to clear my head before I head home, I drive around town. Soon, I’m close to the church where Brandon’s funeral was held, and I blame my subconscious for guiding me here. I let out a ragged breath and turn onto the road that leads straight to the cemetery.

My head is in a fog as I think back to that day. It all happened so fast, then too damn slow. Over the past three months, I’ve avoided visiting the burial site because the wound is still too raw. It hurts each time I think about Brandon no longer being here and not getting to meet his baby. Being in the cemetery makes it more than real, but I can’t put it off any longer. I enter the wrought-iron gates and park close to where he’s buried.

My muscles grow tight, and my heart pounds hard in my chest. The guilt from Utah, from how things happened with Hunter, all of it comes to the forefront, taking complete control of my thoughts. I suck in a deep breath to clear my mind and even try thinking about something else.

Knowing it’s not good for the baby, I calm down first, then find a bit of courage to walk across the grass and search for his headstone. At first, I’m not exactly sure where it is and begin to frantically look around. Just as I start to panic, I see it.

The grass has barely begun to grow over the dirt, but I move closer. As I read his name and birthday and death date carved into the black stone, I nearly fall to my knees.

Walking forward, I steady myself and kneel, knowing my legs will give out at any moment. The memories of the funeral are still hard to think about. Bending down, I support myself and wrap a hand around my belly, then run my fingers across the photograph his parents had forever encased.

“I’m so sorry,” I croak out, the sobs quickly taking over. Betrayal nearly chokes me while the guilt strangles me. Memories of Brandon and me together come in quick flashes, but then they’re followed by Hunter and me in Utah.

“I’m so confused, but I do know one thing for certain, and that’s how much I miss you,” I say aloud. Staring at his picture, I wish he could hear me and comfort me the way he always did when I was upset.

“I’ll never stop loving you, Brandon. No matter what. You’ll always be the man who has a piece of my heart. Always. And you left me with the best gift I could ever ask for. We’re having a baby. At first, it was hard to come to terms with that, but now I couldn’t be more excited. He or she is going to know all about you, about us, about their kind-hearted, selfless daddy who loved me until his dying day.” I swallow, wiping my face. The light breeze brushes across my skin, causing goose bumps to form. It’s almost as if he heard me and he’s happy about the pregnancy. “I’m trying to learn to be myself again, to be happy, because I know that’s what you’d ultimately want. I’m going to make it through this pain, aren’t I?”

I sit on the ground, cross my legs, and listen to the wind travel through the trees as I pour it all out into the open, needing him to know it all. “I’ve asked myself why I wasn’t on the back of that bike with you. If you hadn’t dropped me off at Sophie’s and if any of this would’ve happened. The survivor’s guilt consumes me, but I like to think it’s because I was pregnant. That our little angel was the reason I’m still here.” I place my hand on my belly, allowing it to rest there, wanting to protect him or her from it all. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to even admit that. I give myself permission to process my admissions as I close my eyes and take in slow, deep breaths as my thoughts travel.

I let out a stifled chuckle. “Hunter and I are getting along like you always wanted. The irony, right? I’m scared of the feelings starting to form. It feels way too soon, and I wonder if my heart is confused because it’s trying to replace the ones I had for you. I don’t ever want to forget you, and I can’t even begin to think about being with someone else, but you’ll be glad to know Hunter has been here for me and the baby. He’s as protective as I know you’d be. Our friendship developed through dealing with the heartache of losing you, and it confuses me. I worry these mixed feelings are because I’m so damn lonely, and I haven’t had enough time to fully process you being gone. They say you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself, but what if you’re still in love with someone who is no longer here? Will I ever be able to love again after losing you? It feels wrong.”

My heart beats in my ears. He’s always known all my secrets, and now he knows these too. “I know I need more time to heal. I’m so fucking broken and lost, but I know the baby needs me to be strong, and I want to be for him or her. They’re gonna need me more than ever since I’ll be alone.” The reality of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. Just as I wipe the tears from my cheeks, I look up and see a songbird land on the black stone. It looks at me, and a small smile hits my lips. It’s as if Brandon sent a sign, letting me know he still hears me and everything will work out.

“I will always love you, Brandon.” My breath hitches. “God, I miss you more than you could ever know.” The tears hit my cheeks, and the bird flies away. It disappears into a nearby tree, and I sigh. By the time I stand, my head has cleared slightly, and I know what I have to do going forward.

I have to give myself time.

After letting my emotions out at the cemetery, I come home, unpack, and do two loads of laundry. Then I grab Hunter’s dirty clothes and do his too. While waiting for the washer to finish, I clean the kitchen, scrub the floors, clean out the fridge, then straighten up and vacuum the living room and hallway. We weren’t gone that long, but I need something to keep my mind busy because we’re supposed to talk about the Jenna situation tonight.

Once five o’clock hits, I start dinner, and an hour later, Hunter comes through the door. My heart races, and I hate that after all this time, I’m nervous around him again. Knowing what we need to discuss tonight and my admissions have my nerves in overdrive.

“Hey, wifey,” Hunter singsongs as he walks into the kitchen. I keep my eyes locked on the stovetop as I stir the chicken and Alfredo sauce. “Something smells good.” He opens the fridge and grabs a beer. “Whoa…did you clean in here?”

I swallow, turning to look at him with a forced smile. “Yeah, I was on a roll after I did our laundry and cleaned the apartment.”

“Lennon.” He keeps his gaze locked on mine as he takes a sip of his beer. “You didn’t have to do that.” Hunter leans against the door, his eyes boring into me as if something is on his mind.

“I knew you’d be busy with work and probably wanted to relax tonight.” I shrug, bringing my attention back to the pan. “It wasn’t a big deal. I folded and hung everything up too.”

“Oh, well, thank you.”

I smile briefly. “No problem. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Great, I’m starving.”

Laughing, I turn the burner down. “You always are.”

Hunter gulps his beer, then tosses it into the recycling.

“I’m gonna change quickly. Be right back.”

“Sounds good.”

Shamelessly, I watch as he walks out, but he looks over his shoulder and catches me. He gives me a quick wink before he makes it into the hallway and is out of sight.

Ugh. I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to gain control of my emotions, but I feel as though they’re slipping through my fingers.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

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