Page 58 of His Hold

“But I do.”

He doesn’t answer. Just turns away like he’s afraid of what I’ll see if he looks at me.

I don’t move. Don’t speak. Just wait for him to come back to me. Because I know he will. Whether he wants to or not.

“Listen to me, Katya. I know you think you understand what you’re saying, that you’ve gone so deep into this, you believe you’re one of us. But you’re wrong. You’ve killed one man your whole life. The other? That was adrenaline, trying to save me. That doesn’t make you badass. It doesn’t mean you can stomach the ugliness that thrives in my world. My world is filled with sick, vicious men—like Dmitri, like Kirill, like me. Men who prey on the innocent and strike them down even when they’re already broken.”

He continues explaining, his eyes now tired and glazed over.

“You want to know why we never crossed paths when you were hunting Dmitri? Because I was on my last mission for him. In Cuba. Killing a man and his family because he backed out of a business deal that cost Dmitri millions. Dmitri wanted it glorious. Wanted it etched into the man’s generations of descendants. You want to know what I did?”

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“No. I’m going to fucking tell you. Because this is the kind of shit I’ve dealt with my whole life. I was in Cuba for three months, using the cover of a gym instructor. Charming his wife, making her fall for me. And when I finally did, I fucked her, Katya. Over and over, twisted her until she was addicted to me. Showed her every depraved fantasy her old man couldn’t manage. The final time, when I was supposed to end the mission, I convinced her to take me to their matrimonial bed. I fucked her on it, made her scream for me until the sound echoed off the walls. And I made sure her husband, who was supposed to be away, came home to see me fucking his wife. Then I shot him twice in the head while I was still inside her, and shot her in the mouth while she was still screaming. I killed them without any remorse. Then I rigged their entire house with explosives and blew it up—with their kids and staff still inside. Because that’s what people like me do, that’s what this world demands of people in it. People who have no business making a girl like you love them. So, no, you don’t know what you’re saying when you say you love me. And thanks for telling me the truth, but we’re done here. Pack up and leave before I change my mind.”

He moves away, but before he can reach the door, I grab his hand. “Why do you sound like you want me to hate you?” I ask, my voice trembling. “Why say all of this now, unprovoked? You want me to look at you less like a devil and more like someone who doesn’t deserve love.”

“Because you should.” His voice cracks. “I’ve done things, Katya. Things you can’t even imagine. And the worst part is... I’d do them again if it meant keeping you safe.”

He steps forward, his eyes burning with something fierce and desperate. “You’ve made me weak. You’ve made me want things I have no right to want. And it terrifies me.”

“Then why push me away?”

“Because you matter to me.” His voice breaks, like he’s been holding something in for too long. “I care about you in a way I’ve never cared about anyone. And I hate it. I hate how you’ve wormed your way into every part of me. How I can’t breathe right when you’re not there.”

“Then stop fighting it.”

He closes his eyes, his shoulders sagging. “I can’t.”

I swallow, refusing to let his words wound me. “Yes, you can. I know what I’ve done. I know it’s not the same as what you’ve been through. But I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of whatever hell you think you’re dragging me into.”

I hold his face in my hands. My fingers are gripping tight. “You think I haven’t accepted who you are, but I have. I know what you’re capable of, Nikolai. I know you’ve done monstrous things. But if you think that’s going to push me away, then you’re the one who’s naive.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I do.” My voice rises. “I know you’re broken. Twisted. That you’ve hurt people and will keep hurting them if it means surviving. But you think that makes you unlovable? That you’re the first man to drown in his own darkness and still crave something good?”

“Katya—”

“I accept all of it.” My words tumble out. “The blood. The cruelty. The twisted need you have to break things before you can believe they’re real. I’m not afraid of your darkness, Nikolai. I’m telling you I love you because I see all of you. And I’m still here.”

His shoulders tremble, his eyes burning as he fights whatever war is raging inside him.

“And if you think that makes me sick, then maybe I am. Maybe I’m just as fucked up as you are. But if that’s what it takes to understand you, to be close to you, then I’ll take it.”

His breath shudders. “Why?”

“Because you’re the only man I’ve ever wanted. And you’re the only man who’s ever made me feel like I could be something more than just broken pieces.”

He stares at me, his chest heaving. “You shouldn’t love me.”

“But I do.”

The admission fractures something in him. I see it in the way his expression crumbles, his defenses unraveling.

He reaches for me, his fingers threading through my hair, his mouth crushing against mine like he’s trying to breathe me in.

It’s only after the kiss breaks that he whispers, voice cracking, “I will find her, Katya. I will bring Irina back to you. I’ll burn down the entire fucking world if I have to. I’ll tear apart everyone who’s ever hurt you. And when I bring her back, I’ll prove to you that you’re more than just another mistake I’ve made. And if I can’t...I’ll die trying.”

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