Page 118 of Rat

“Doctor Jarvis,” Rory mumbled. “You’re the prison therapist.”

Jarvis smiled. “That’s me. My car’s over there. I can give you a ride if you want?”

“Really?”

“I wouldn’t have said so unless I meant it. Come on.”

Rory nodded, then followed Jarvis to his car. Jarvis placed his files and folders on the backseat, then got into the front. Rory hesitated for a moment, then climbed into the passenger seat.

“So, you know who I am… Who are you?”

Rory flexed his aching hands. “Rory Price—no, that’s not right.” He sighed. “Rory Matterson.”

“You changed names pretty quick just then…”

“I was in the prison.”

Jarvis dropped his gaze to Rory’s knuckles, then glanced back up. “Have you escaped?”

“They’ve let me go. I was undercover.”

“I see, and now you’re feeling lost, unsure what to do next?”

Rory nodded. “I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel like anything. I’m numb, and I have no idea how to make myself feel again.”

Jarvis whistled. “Well, that’s more than one session right there.”

Rory laughed at his lap. “Tell me about it…”

“Okay, I will. I don’t know what happened inside, but you can’t be around people and not start to care, start to identify, toadapt. Now you’re out, you’ve lost your identity, the person you were before has gone and you don’t know how to get back to who you were.”

“So how do I do it?”

“Unless you have a time machine, you can’t.”

“Damn it.”

Jarvis chuckled and twitched his nose. “So you can’t go back, but what did you like about yourself before you went inside?”

“I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to be a good person. A good police officer. Most of all, a good…brother.”

“And you feel like you’re not?”

“I hurt people, and I hurt myself.” Rory frowned down at his hands. “I don’t mean physically. I wish it was all physical. Physical pain gets better, it softens, or you get used to it, and it’s not as intense, but the feeling in my chest. The loss, the guilt, the shame. I let down everyone I cared about, and now I’m on my own, and it hurts, but I deserve that hurt.”

“I can’t stop it hurting. Only you can.”

“How?”

“Do you still want to do the right thing? Do you still want to be a good person?”

“Yeah, of course, but I don’t see how I can.”

“You could try making it up to some of the people you feel like you let down.”

Rory frowned, then glanced up at Jarvis. He blinked in quick succession, then kept staring.

Jarvis hummed. “You’re looking at me funny.”

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