Page 41 of King

I close my eyes and turn my face away from him.

When I open them again, I don’t look at him.

I walk out of his wife shrine. Away from her memory, her heavy presence, her ability to overpower me despite the fact that she’s dead and gone.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I run up to my bedroom and slam the door shut.

I lean against the back of it, slowly sinking to the ground, pulling my knees against my chest I bury my face against my folded arms and let everything spill out of me.

I cry without restraint. I don’t care who hears me or who is bothered by my pain.

I cry until I have no more energy left. Until my eyes are dry and burning and I can barely keep them open anymore.

When I’m too tired to be anything but numb, I stand up and walk over to my bed, kicking my shoes off along the way, I tug the covers off and climb beneath them.

All I want is for him to see how much I love him. How much I have always loved him.

A blind man can see he wants me too - but he won’t let himself love me. Why? Why don’t I deserve it? Why am I not good enough?

Why am I not worth his admiration?

I thought I couldn’t cry anymore but as pain floods my heart again my tears spill onto the pillow.

I roll over to bury my face against the soft fabric, muffling the sounds of my heartache.

Hours go by before I’m able to drag myself up and climb into a shower. Dinner is being served soon and I want to be there for Guido .

He’s always been my reason to keep going - and he can be my reason now.

THIRTEEN

giovanni

At dinner I keep glancing towards Zina. This afternoon I was harsh. I treated her like shit, and I didn’t mean to.

She looks exhausted, and I think it’s my fault.

The memory of Bella on our wedding day was more painful than I expected - it came out of nowhere.

And on top of it all - being with Zina again has reminded me of the guilt I felt back then. The guilt I felt for betraying my wife.

I study Zina’s face at the table next to me. Her eyes ad swollen from crying, red and raw.

I feel terrible.

She’s done her best to cover the shadows beneath them with make up - and I don’t think the boys have noticed anything. But I can see it.

Her demeanor has changed.

And I can feel her tension.

She’s too quiet. Her usual glow is faded and dull. She’s pushing the food around her plate, hardly touching it and making empty conversation with Guido .

Guido seems occupied with Dante though, he’s laughing and making jokes with him. I don’t think his mom has to worry about him right now.

I watch Zina as her eyes drift towards her son. When he laughs she smiles, relieved that he’s finally fitting in. I like the fact that the boys are starting to get along. Dante anyway - I don’t know about the other two.

Sensing my gaze on her she glances at me, but then quickly looks away and lets out a sharp breath. Her cheeks flush slightly, turning light pink. She’s embarrassed - or avoiding me.

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