Page 20 of Bossy Hero

If I were on the outside, I’d be asking that too. Those are fair questions.

The truth is... I haven’t a clue how I let it happen.

All I know is that I haven’t felt in control for most of my life. Travis oversaw almost all aspects of my existence—money, house, transportation, social life, material things. He wouldn’t let me work or have a car. I only recently got my own cell phone. When I say he controlled everything, I mean everything.

Losing myself to him was gradual. I didn’t see it happening at first. But slowly, he removed all my power systematically until I had none left. No friends. Even my sister acts like I’m dead. He drove a wedge into any possible support system I could cling to.

Alone. In every sense of the word.

So tell me... how can someone who is powerless take back their life when they don’t have two feet to stand on? Especially with little mouths to feed and no money or place to live? I didn’t even have a car we could sleep in.

When I wanted to leave him, he made me think I had no options other than him. Especially if I wanted to keep my children.

No. That’s not right. Not just “think” that way... I believed it. I still do. It’s only because my children are grown that I’ve been able to stay away this long.

Back then, he engineered situations that would prove to me how powerless I was. It was so confusing, and I wasn’t in a clear state of mind to begin with. I didn’t know what was real and what was a lie. I sure as hell couldn’t trust my own judgment. He made sure of that. At one point, he’d convinced me I was an unfit mother and that no court would allow me to keep my children. He had me doubting what was real and what was imaginary. My therapist says it’s called gaslighting. Sometimes, the mental abuse was harder to deal with than the physical.

At the end of the day, I was weak and didn’t think there was a way to escape him. So I focused on trying to be better for him, all so he wouldn’t get angry with me. I believed I was the problem. Not him.

To be honest, I still do.

I feel like I haven’t broken the cycle yet. I worry I’ll end up back with him. He’s called me a few times. I suspect he knows where I’m living now, although I never told him. Pretty sure I saw his car following me a few days ago.

As for my kids, it sickens me how they’ve suffered because of me. I swear I tried to leave so many times. And I did leave him at least once a year when the kids were young. Sometimes more often than that. And yet, he’d always convince me he’d changed. Even in our times of separation, I felt regret and shame over leaving him. Like I was giving up on my marriage. Giving up on my family.

My head was so screwed up. And let’s not forget that I had no money, no savings, and he’d go behind me to places I applied and withdraw my applications. Can you believe that?

I found out he was doing it when a woman at church overheard him talking to the dentist at the office where I applied to be a receptionist.

Like a damn fool, I took him back after that too. I don’t know why.

I had proof that he was actively ruining my life, and yet I still went back eventually.

Because I was scared. Scared for my life and for my kids.

Often times, the act of leaving was so frightening that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Might sound silly to you, given that you’re a soldier, a Ranger at that... but being scared for your life can make you act irrationally. I thought staying was saving my life. But at the same time, I knew that if I stayed, he’d end up killing me.

So there you have it.

* * *

The next day

To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Subject: DELETE MY LAST EMAIL!

Alan,

I apologize for my previous email. I tried to recall it, but it gave me an error message.

Last night was a rough night for me. Travis is contesting the divorce. So I got drunk. Apparently, my keyboard has a very loose tongue after a bottle of merlot.

Can you pretend you didn’t see it? And if you haven’t read it yet, then please delete it.

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