Page 19 of Bossy Hero

From: ALancaster

Subject: Home at last

We landed stateside. No casualties for our entire unit on this trip.

Sorry we had to go radio silent over the last two weeks. Before that, it was great getting to know you (when we had internet service, that is). You’re not what I expected. I want to get to know you even better. I was hoping you felt the same.

I’ve got three weeks of leave coming up, starting at the end of the month. What are the chances I’ll be able to see you in person?

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To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Alan,

I’m so relieved you’re back home safe. The communication blackout was killing me. Will it ever get easier? Each deployment is worse than the last, but this one was downright brutal. Maybe that’s because there were three of you I was worried about this time instead of two.

Happy you’re back on US soil again.

Are my boys okay? Are you?

Maddie

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To: justmaddie

From: ALancaster

Nice to know you were worried about me, but also, I don’t want you to worry. So that’s bittersweet.

Ah, let’s see. Lionheart is good. He’s a damn fine soldier. He’s got top-notch instincts, and those can’t be taught. They’ll serve him well even when I’m not there with him in the future. I know nothing I say will make you worry less, but for what it’s worth, he’s one of the best I’ve seen in action.

Who is the other “boy” you’re worried about? Would that be Sawyer? If so, he’s fine too. However, if he doesn’t shut up more often, he’ll end up with his lips glued together. Not saying I’d do it. But someone might. If he were a sailor, there’s no doubt he’d have been tossed overboard by now. However, he’s also a damn good fighter and a good man.

It’s ironic that you’d ask about him in the same bucket as Leo, as if Sawyer is a son to you. He’s growing on me that way too. Like a barnacle or a wart.

The more I’m around these kids, the more I feel responsible for them. We talk a lot when we’re deployed. Sometimes it’s superficial, but more often it’s deep shit. I think it’s the loneliness that brings it out in them. One way or another, they all open up to me at some point when we’re overseas. Life or death situations and being so far from loved ones can do that to you. I’m the unofficial shrink and surrogate father to half my unit at this point. Not that I mind it. Since I never had kids, it’s nice to share what I’ve learned with the younger generation. And some of these kids have the most fucked up stories about their home life. The least I can do is offer some stability for them.

Anyhow, I’m rambling. Gonna catch some sleep now. I’ve been up for about thirty-six hours at this point. I bet I don’t make sense.

Oh, and how about meeting up when I’m on leave? I need to see this blush of yours in person. I could come up there to you if you aren’t planning on coming to see your son. I’d like to visit Maine anyhow. It’s on my bucket list, and I’m not getting any younger. Heard they have good fishing. Or sailing. Or something like that. Lobster maybe? I don’t know. It’s really just an excuse to see you.

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To: ALancaster

From: justmaddie

Yes, it’s Sawyer who I was asking about. Ever since he met Leo at basic, they’ve been inseparable. From the first time he spent leave time here in Maine with us, I’ve felt like he’s mine too. Leo talks about him constantly, and I’ve taken to having him pass the phone to Sawyer after we’re done talking so he can update me on his life. He calls me on my birthday and sends cards for all the holidays. He has a lot of love to give. He grew up in the foster system. But I bet you know that.

Although, I’m unsure why I’m trying to fill the mother figure role for him. If he were my son, he’d be another one with an F’d up story from his youth like the others you mentioned. I’m sure Leo is one of them. Don’t bother denying it. I know you didn’t say that to make me feel bad, but I’m in therapy now and learning to acknowledge all the mistakes I’ve made. It weighs me down. The guilt is physically painful at times. It hurts worse than anything Travis did to me.

You know, maybe it’s the wine I’ve been guzzling, but I feel like rambling. So buckle up.

I bet you’ve spent time asking yourself how I could have ever let that happen to my kids. Why did I stay with that monster for so many years? Why didn’t I protect my children?

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