Page 50 of Butterfly

I sighed. “It’s not bad… or it is bad…it’s confusing. I’m confused.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I’m running late to class, and besides…” I trailed off. I desperately needed a friend to talk to, but telling a stranger I’d just lost my virginity to my stepbrother was not on the list of things I wanted to do today, or ever.

“How about we hang out in my room later, drink tequila, and you can tell me what’s going on? I’m telling you, I’m deeply curious. Whatever it is, it looks messy and you probably need someone to vent to so we can swear off men forever together, right?”

I laughed, then glanced at my phone. “Shit, I’ve got to go.” I brushed my teeth, threw my hair up into something resembling a top knot, and ran out of the bathroom.

“Room 309! Don’t forget!” she called after me.

I stoppedat the cafeteria to grab a quick breakfast, alone, like I had for the past week. And, just like I had for the past week, I could barely chew and swallow a banana, much less anything more substantial. Between the anxiety from Mason’s silence, and the shame that swirled in my head every morning after dreaming about him the night before, I felt too nauseous to be able to eat. It was affecting my energy and mood and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.

That said, I forced myself to eat a banana and two bites of toast. As I chewed, I felt eyes on my back. I turned. Mason satwith Emory and his other friends. Emily was nowhere in sight. His intense, almost warm look turned into a glare as he took in my cafeteria tray.

Yeah, that was it. If he wasn’t going to talk to me but just glare at me from afar, for no discernible reason, then I was getting out of here. Besides, I didn’t want to be late for our class.

I foundan empty row of seats, wanting to be alone with my thoughts. No luck; Dan joined me immediately.

“You okay?” he asked, his brow furrowed.

I pasted a smile on my face. “Fine!” I chirped.

“Okay….” he said, clearly not believing me. “By the way, your stepbrother is watching us.”

Of course he was.

My phone buzzed.

I expected it to be something along the lines of…stop talking to other men, so I was surprised when it read,Are you eating?

My practically empty stomach churned. He saw me too clearly.

I ignored the text, focusing on what Professor Evans was saying aboutThe Scarlet Letter—specifically the way female desire was both demonized, and how women were equally infantilized and vilified when it came to sex…at least in the book.

I knew something about that, didn’t I? I’d had no agency the other night, and I felt vilified for how much I wanted Mason. Although, who was vilifying me? Mason certainly wasn’t …In fact, he’d done the opposite: taking responsibility for what had happened the night he drugged me, demanding I not shame myself for wanting him or for what was happening between us.

Iwas vilifyingmyself.

And while he’d completely taken away my choice that night, and I couldn’t control the fact that I wanted him, I got to decide what I did next.

I didn’t have an answer to that, and unfortunately as class went on, I began to feel weak and had a harder time focusing on the discussion. I didn’t even notice when Professor Evans dismissed the class.

“Ms. Berger?” Professor Evans stood over me, a worried expression on her young face.

“I’m okay,” I said.

“You don’t seem okay.”

“I’m fine,” I said. “Just need to get home. Sorry I was so quiet in…class today. Sleeping poorly.”

“Mmhmm,” she said. “I think?—”

“I’ve got this,” a low voice said. “Leslie, what’s going on?”

Mason crouched next to my desk, a hand on my thigh as he looked into my eyes.

“I’m fine,” I said again, stronger this time. “I need to go, though.”

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