Page 15 of Sugar, Spice, and Magical Midlife

Colin let out a frustrated groan. “Could you please just take the photo? Felicity went through a lot of trouble framing it.” He shoved the photo back into the unicorn diarrhea bag and held it out to me.

“Fine.” I snatched the bag from his hand. It was going straight to the dumpster. Speaking of dumpsters, I needed to freshen up in time for my date. I spun on my heel, not bothering to say goodbye as I marched toward my car. I dumped the bag in the trunk, swearing when glitter scattered everywhere.

“Oh, Luce!” Felicity called out just as I reached my car door.

I turned back around with a snarl, inwardly swearing as she ran down the steps toward me. My shoulders slumped in defeat. I’d almost made it, and now my stomach was churning because Iknew the backstabbing bitch was about to ask for another favor. I gave her a glare that I hoped would melt the false eyelashes right off her face.

“I meant to say Luciella.” Felicity clutched her throat while visibly swallowing. Was it wrong of me to want her to choke on her candy? “One more thing.” She flashed a mouthful of bleached white teeth. “I was wondering if I could get the recipe to your apple pie? I was hoping Des and I could make it this weekend. I know it would mean so much to him if we could do something special together.”

I gave her a long look. Was she for real? There was no way in nine hells I was giving her the Lovelle secret recipe, passed down from my grandmother to my parents.

“I don’t share my recipes, and Des doesn’t like apple pie. That’s Colin’s favorite dessert.”

“You sure?” The bitch couldn’t hold my gaze for more than half a heartbeat. “Des was going on about it last time he was here.”

“That’s a lie,” I blurted.

She jutted a manicured hand on her hip. “Excuse me?”

“Des doesn’t like apples. Period.” I tossed a glare in Colin’s direction as he stood on the porch, shuffling from foot to foot while looking at me as if I was an apparition. “If you want to do something special with him, take him to a ruggel game.”

“Oh.” The color drained from her face. “Colin’s parents only had two extra tickets.”

“How convenient.” I snatched open the car door and sat inside, not bothering to acknowledge her as she hovered outside the window.

I turned on the ignition, laughing under my breath when a song about a cheating ex came on the radio. I was just about to put the car in reverse when Colin rapped on the window.

“Luce, wait,” he called.

I rolled my eyes before cracking the window. “What?”

He leaned toward me, fogging the nice clean air with his farty breath. “Would it hurt you to at least try with Felicity?”

I rolled the window back up with a scowl while wondering what he could possibly eat that would make his breath smell that bad other than his own asshole.

He rapped on the window harder this time.

I let out about a half dozen curse words that would make a siren blush before rolling down the window once more. “Am I supposed to forget the two of you were screwing while we were still married?”

He scratched the back of his head, averting his gaze. “Our marriage had gone stale by then.”

Like your breath?I wanted to tell him. “I’m leaving now. Go spend time with your son.”

AFTER SECOND-GUESSINGmy deodorant, I’d gone back to my condo to apply another layer, take a pregnancy prevention potion, and also pack my toothbrush just in case I let Ricardo get past second base. Who was I kidding? I was so desperate for a real penis, I’d gladly tape an ‘open for business’ sign on my panties if I thought it would help. I was just about to jump back in my car when I spied the community dumpster across the street. I grabbed the vomit rainbow glitter bag out of the backseat and tossed it in the dumpster, very aware of my nosey next-door neighbor watching me from behind the heavy curtain of her living room window.

Gladys was the kind of human who made witches resent their race. Humans like her were probably the reason the slur ‘husk’ was invented. She made everyone’s business her business to the point that I’d already used a few memory spells on her aftershe’d peeked over our fence and caught Des practicing magic in our small courtyard. She really needed to get a life, or a vibrator, or both.

Traffic on the way to the bakery had been heavy, tempting me to whip my broom out of the back of my car and fly over the road construction. Yes, we witches flew brooms. Though they made cumbersome full-size ones, we generally preferred the compact ones that resembled umbrellas and fit in our purses or coats. I stewed in my very expensive sedan, (one of my consolation prizes in the divorce.) Ethyl and I still had a wedding cake to decorate and bread dough to make.

I burst through the bakery door, chest heaving, my gaze darting to the clock above the espresso machine. Another half hour to go and Cinnamon-Spiced Latte would be here. I’d just thrown on my apron when a loud rattling noise, reminding me of a rabid rat trapped in a metal box, sounded from the back room.

Puffy!

I raced into the back and threw open the smoking oven door. A scowling little purple dragon no bigger than a Chihuahua emerged from the smoke, looking up at me as if I’d eaten the last of his kibble.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I snorted. “I’ve told you to stay out of the ovens.”

The impertinent little lizard stuck out his tongue and then disappeared in a flash. The only thing worse than a sassy dragon was a sassy invisible dragon.

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