Page 34 of Protecting Tiffani

“Fuck no. I don’t hate her, and I also don’t blame her. I blame him, that bastard who started all this.” My hands close around the grass below me and pull handfuls out.

“Then the answer to your question is easy, son. Love her. Tell her that nothing is her fault and that you don’t blame her. That you could never blame her for this. She holds so much guilt for everything, but she shouldn’t, just like you shouldn’t. These things happen every day. It’s a sad reality, but miscarriages are a mystery. You know how it feels to be abandoned by your parents, but this feeling is new for Tiffani. You three kids had your mom and me. We loved you so much, and you made our world so much brighter, but, son, she had no one. You need to go to her and prove she isn’t alone. Take that love that you got from us and pour it into her cracks, help her heal, and in the process, I promise you will heal also.” His voice starts to fade, and his body becomes see-through.

“My time is almost up. Son, let go of the past. All the regret you have for not being here, the shame you carry over your decisions, and the self-hate that is embedded in your pure heart. Once you do that, the next step will be there. You will know what to do.”

“Dad, don’t go. Stay with me, please. I can’t do this without you.” My hands try to grab him, but they go through him this time. Instead of the warmth I felt moments ago, it’s like I put my hands into the ocean in the dead of winter. “No, Dad, please,” I beg him.

“I can’t, and you know that. But I’m never far from any of you. I’m always with you, my dear child. Kiss your mom and tell her I hear her all the time. Tell Adam to stop removing the coffee that Tiffani leaves me. Also, tell your sister I would be honored if she named her little boy after me and that he’s beautiful. Go, son. Get your girl and thank her for me. Thank her for loving you and for the coffee.” His head turns toward the small light that is once again shining, and a smile forms on his lips as he stands, leaving me behind. A small shadow reaches out its hands to take his. Before they are gone completely, I swear I hear a small child’s voice fill the air around me.

“Love you, Dad. Tell Mom I’m okay, and I’m with my papa.”

My eyes don’t fly open like you see if you were watching a movie and the main character was having a nightmare. No, they open so fucking slowly, like my body knows I don’t want to wake up from the dream or whatever it was. My body feels heavy, and I can only move my eyes. I lay here alone, four hours away from everyone I care about, because I’m a coward. I repeat the words Dad spoke to me like a chant“Let go of the past,” “I couldn’t be prouder of you,” and “Love her.”With each tear falling down my face, landing on the stained pillow, I let go of something weighing me down.

Disgust at myself for choosing to walk away from everyone, gone with the plop of a tear. My feet feel like a weight is pulled from them. Another tear, guilt over being unable to be beside my dad in his final moments. My whole bottom half feels free from the invisible weight crushing me. The last emotion is disappointment, not disappointment in Tiffani like I thought, but in myself. I disappointed myself the moment I ran from that apartment fourteen days ago. I thought I was upset with my Cupcake for not telling me, but I put her in that position. I made her believe that she was nothing more to me than an itch I scratched. Of fucking course she wouldn’t call me with the news of the baby; plus, how could she? I changed my number.

With that final tear hitting the pillow, the weight leaves my chest, making it easy to sit up and wipe the tears off my face. When I walked into this room, I was bursting at the seams with so much hurt and sadness, but now, as I pick up Parker’s keys and leave this room behind, my chest is puffed out with pride. Pride for myself on overcoming what I’ve been through but more than anything, pride in Tiffani for being so fucking strong. She has weathered everything thrown at her, and she hasn’t hated me the whole time like she had every right to do. She gave up everything because she loved me. As I hit the highway heading straight to the place I should have never run from, I just hope that I’m not too late, like last time.

Chapter twenty

Tiffani

WatchingLeviHillwalkaway from me the first time almost killed me, but this time it hurt so much more. When he ran out the door, the pain, hate, and disappointment in his eyes destroyed the last remaining piece of hope wedged deep in my heart. Hope that if he ever returned, we would be able to be together again, that he would hold me as I cried in his arms, telling him about our angel. But some things are too big to get over. They contain too much pain to push through. I have no one to blame but myself. I still hold a secret even standing here, putting what little possessions I own in boxes. I tried to call Levi after I learned he had left town. I called him so often throughout the day that I was sure I would go insane. At first, it would ring and ring, finally going to voicemail. I would never leave a message because I could never force any words out of my mouth. Then, about a month after he was gone, it went from ringing to an automatic message telling me the number was no longer active.

Even though I tried to contact him, I still never told any of his family members, which is worse because they were still here. Hell, I would sit in the room below me, looking his dad in his eyes, and never open my mouth to tell him. I deserve this pain tearing me apart, and I won’t put any of the blame on anyone but myself. I told Emilee and his mom the truth about everything the day Levi left again. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. Everything from the baby, why I was no longer living with my family, minus that one little secret. I was a hundred percent certain that they would hate me like he did. They would look at me and tell me to leave their house and that they also blamed me for everything, like I did. But they didn’t. They pulled me into the tightest hug I’ve ever had. I was sandwiched between both of them. Emilee’s pregnant belly pressing into my flat stomach, and his mom was pressed into my back. We all three cried and cried for what felt like hours. I started to apologize over and over, but they assured me that I had nothing to apologize about.

His mom insisted that I stay with her, but just like I told Parker earlier that day, I’m good on my own. I don’t want to be anywhere Levi might show up just in case it makes him never come back. It’s because of my family, they lost four years with their loved one, and I will be damned if I make that same mistake. My father is being charged with stealing money on a federal level because he applied for grants and was approved but never used the money for the intended purpose. Brad is being charged with a slew of charges including possessing, manufacturing, and selling child porn. I was determined to press charges on Brad for assaulting me, but it seemed pointless with what they had him on. Since I won’t have to testify, I left the meeting between the FBI and Levi’s uncle.

Sandra contacted me last week and told me that she was able to get ownership of the laundry mat back, but that she was going to close it. It held too many bad memories for her. She did offer me the apartment, but I refused. This whole building has too many bad memories for me anymore. Fourteen days after Levi left, I’m now leaving, but I’m hoping with my departure, he’ll come back. I feel as if I’m dying inside but I want him to have the time my Father stole back. I wish with everything I have that I could be a part of his life but I will have to get used to my new life. I’ve lived without my heart for four years. What's another forty-seven years?

Holding the last box of items in my arms, I look around the small space one more time. I won’t miss all the bad times but a small part of me is sad leaving this place. I spent all of my Mondays for years with Mr. Hill here. I can close my eyes and still see him sitting down stairs sipping coffee and laughing. There is a soft knock on the open door behind me.

“Is that it?” the person who has become like a third-father to me asks.

Turning around, Sonny stands there, holding out his hands for the small box. “Sure is. If you don’t mind, I’ll carry this one. There is something very important to me in here.” He smiles at me but doesn’t say anything. “Thank you for doing this for me,” I say over my shoulder as he follows me down the staircase and out the main door for the last time.

“Just because my nephew is hard-headed doesn’t mean this family doesn’t care about you. Emilee, Parker, hell, Mom would have helped you move. But I’m honored you asked me to help.” He opens the passenger door to his truck for me. I place the small box in the middle seat and pull myself up. He usually drives a Harley but lent it to Parker since Levi stole his truck. This is Mr. Hill’s truck that Sonny has used to help me look for a new job and a new place to live. After getting in the driver’s seat, he backs out of the parking lot and heads out of town. “When is the new apartment supposed to be ready for you?” he asks, turning the music down low.

“Two weeks. Thanks for allowing me to stay at your home until then. Are you sure I can’t pay you something in rent? I hate staying there without paying anything.” I wring my hands. Unlike Levi’s mom’s or Emilee’s house, I don’t feel uncomfortable staying with Sonny. Once my apartment is ready I will be moving an hour away. Plus he promised Levi wouldn’t come to his house, even though it is directly behind his mom’s. Sonny hardly uses it anymore; he is always traveling for work. To some, the bond that we have created in such a short time might be unconventional, but they don’t know what he’s done for me.

The day after everything came out, I was sitting in the apartment spiraling, trying to figure out what my father’s parting words meant, when someone knocked on the front door. I don’t want to get up to open the damn thing, so I don’t. I continue sitting in the middle of my bed, surrounded by crumpled tissues. Whoever is there will leave once they realize no one is home, even if I’m here. Another knock comes, this time harder than the first. I roll my eyes.

“I guess they need a little encouragement to leave,” I whisper. “Go away!” I shout.

“Not going to happen. Open up or… you know what, never mind.” A shuffling sound comes from behind the door, and a second later, the damn thing, that was locked, swings open. Sonny stands up from where he’s kneeling, placing a little black kit back into his pockets.

“What the fuck was that? Did you just pick my damn lock? I could call the cops on you.”

He pushes the sunglasses he’s wearing on top of his head and laughs at me. “I’m not scared of the cops in this town. You have seen who I’m friends with. Plus, I have something here that you may want to look at.” He’s holding a file in his hands. My stomach flips. Luckily, I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday, so nothing threatens to come up.

“Is this about what my father said to me?” I whisper. “That’s all I want to know about, nothing else.”

“Yes, Tiffani, it is, but first, I need to explain something to you. I need to explain how I came to get my information,” he says, pulling a chair out to sit facing me. He places the file on his lap.

Shaking my head, I say, “I don’t care how you know what you do; I just want to know the truth.”

“Well, I care, so humor me, please?” I nod my head. “My mom thinks I’m a freelance construction worker, and so does Levi, but Adam knows the truth. I want to keep it that way. I have a group of friends who all have skills that we use for good. Normally the people we help are women who are in bad situations and need to disappear. When Adam called me, he asked me to look into the transactions, but he didn’t know everything we would uncover. We found out who Brad really was and your dad’s illegal schemes, but I didn’t find anything connected to your baby. I’ve spent the majority of today doing even more digging, and I’ve come up empty-handed.”

“Then what is in there?” I point to the file on his lap. He hands it to me, and I flip it open. It’s my dad’s multiple bank accounts and every transaction that happened the month before and after I lost the baby.

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