Page 51 of Must Have Been Love

When I turn back, he’s surrounded by Francie and Autumn who are shouting out so many questions he doesn’t look like he knows where to start answering them. And I feel this strange pull in my chest at the sight. I think I could fall in love with these friends, in a completely platonic way.

It was genius. And I need all the details later. – Skyler.

There are no details. I made it up. – Jesse

That’s when I really start to laugh. Who knew lovely, innocent Jesse was such a good liar? Our eyes catch and I mouth a ‘thank you’ to him. He nods.

Somehow this place is beginning to feel a lot like home.

sixteen

SKYLER

“So you’re definitely not going to have sex with him, but you’re still having dinner with him?” Lee asks me the next day as I put my makeup on in the bathroom. She’s propped up on the counter – or at least my phone with the video chat of her is. She’s in the middle of breastfeeding. Cora has slowed to a drink every twenty seconds or so, which means she’s almost asleep and we need to keep our voices low.

“I think maybe we can be friends,” I murmur, brushing mascara onto my curled lashes. I’m still feeling a bit jaded from last night, even if the evening did end early because Autumn started looking green and Francie called Hudson to ask them to pick them up. It was Asher who arrived, though, and it looked like he and Francie were having heated words again as he helped Autumn out to his car.

“Bullshit,” Lee says, bringing me out of my thoughts. “You’re doing a full face. That means you want him.”

“I’m not doing a full face.” I frown at her image on the screen. She looks so serene in her rocking chair. “I’m just trying to look professional. I’m a business owner now.”

She starts to laugh. “Oh sweetie, you can lie to yourself but don’t lie to me. You like this guy.”

I put the mascara wand back into the tube and let out a long breath. “It doesn’t matter if I like him. What matters is we both know I’ll be the one who ends up in tears at the end. And I’m over being the one who gets all the feelings.”

She gives me a sad smile. I know my big sister wants me to have what she has. But we’re fundamentally different. And she hasn’t met Hudson Fitzgerald. He’s a man who needs a woman who has it together.

I could live a hundred years and never have anything together. But when I try to picture him with another woman – okay, with Princess Di and all her elegant ways – a wave of anger washes over me. I want him. I just… don’t want to want him.

Even with the excess cocktails and the awkward first drinking game, last night was exactly what I needed. And Jesse proved he was one of us in the best way. After his genius intervention last night I’m pretty sure the two of us are firm friends now.

Like you and Hudson?

I frown. Because there’s a huge difference between Hudson and Jesse. And it’s not just money. In fact, I’d prefer it if Hudson had no money at all. I hate that it puts me at a disadvantage compared to him.

And yes, I know that’s my hangup to deal with. Any therapist worth their salt could dig into the veneer of ‘don’t care’ that I paint myself with and find a scared little girl cowering underneath. Just because I’ve never been the type to conform doesn’t mean there isn’t a part of me that wishes I could.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Lee asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“What do you mean?”

There’s that sad smile again. “I know you feel like you have something to prove. To Mom, mostly, but maybe to me, too. But you should know that I love you just the way you are. And so does Mom, even if she doesn’t show it.”

It’s not often that I get emotional. Maybe it’s the impending remodel of the bar – which Autumn tells me starts tomorrow and will go on for a few weeks. It’s making everything real and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

“What if I mess it all up again?” I whisper. Because that’s my modus operandi after all. The fear I always ignore has somehow slid its way between my ribcage and is squeezing around my heart.

“You won’t.” Lee sounds so sure it makes me worry more. “It’s a bar. You’ve had so much experience with those. And more importantly, it’s your dad’s bar. He was born on Liberty, you’re half.. I don’t know… Libertarian?” She smiles at me. “You have as much right to be on that island as anybody else. And I know you can do this.”

“I wish I had your faith.”

“I wish you did, too. And I can’t help but feel it’s my fault that you don’t.” The baby lets out a soft sigh and she pats her head. “My wedding…”

“We don’t need to talk about that,” I say quickly.

“Yes we do. Because you chose that day, between me and him. And I know things have never been the same for you since.”

Lee being Lee had invited my dad to her wedding. Though they’d never had the traditional stepfather - stepdaughter relationship, he had still been there for a few years when she was young. And my mom had begrudgingly agreed.

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