Page 122 of Must Have Been Love

“That you’re in love with this woman.”

“Shut the hell up.”

“And you broke up with her because you’re afraid.”

If I thought I was annoyed before, I’m furious now. “That’s not true,” I say. And then I realize I’m shouting. I glance at the door, knowing Ayda’s on the other side. “Do you know how hard it was to end it with her?” I ask him. “I didn’t do it for me. I did it for her. And Ayda.”

Dr. Methi snickers, and I realize I’ve never heard him laugh before. Jesus, I want to wring his neck.

“I tried to make her into something she’s not,” I say. “That was wrong. She needs to be free.”

“Oh, that’s perfect.” He writes something on the pad of paper beside him. “You’ve managed to justify it to yourself. How long did it take you to think of that one?”

“No time at all. It’s the truth.”

“No it’s not and you know it. We both know it. And either you start cutting through the bullshit, or you’ll be the one who’s harming your daughter. Not Skyler, not Ayda’s grandmother.You.”

I open my mouth to tell him he’s the one talking bullshit. That he’s wrong, I’m fine. I’m doing what I can to take care of my daughter.

And then I think of her. The way she tried to apologize, over and over again. The way she cooked my family dinner. The way she looked when I told her to leave.

“I’m just trying…” I say, my voice thick.

“Trying to do what?”

I swallow, but there’s a lump in my throat as big as a damn rock. “Trying to make everything right.”

“And how’s that going for you?”

I think of the way Ayda stared at The Salty Dog. The way she keeps trying to go in, and I know the reason why. She wants Skyler.

Fuck, I want Skyler.

I want this all to go away.

“It’s all I know how to do,” I tell him.

“Because somewhere along the way you learned the wrong lesson.”

I look at him, feeling like I’m being punched again. “What lesson?”

“You think you can control everything. You think that if you do that, then everybody will be happy. You’re afraid to let go.”

“Because people get hurt when I do.” There’s a pain in my chest that feels somewhere between being stabbed and having a heart attack.

“Give me an example of when that’s happened.”

He’s making this too easy. “I let Skyler take care of Ayda and she was taken from me.”

“And then what happened?”

“Then she was found and we got her home.”

“And is she hurt? Traumatized? Or is she okay?” he prompts.

“She’s…” I let out a breath. “I don’t know.”

“It ended fine. Yes, it was scary. I get that. But it could have been so much worse. We need to work on Ayda not walking off. We can do that. But her being taken? That wasn’t your fault.” He leans forward. “I’ll say it again but louder. IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT.”

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