Page 81 of The World Outside My Window

‘What’s brought this on? I mean, you’ve been going out of your mind with worry. YouloveJim.’

‘I—’ Laura stops, unsure how to properly explain it. When Jim first went missing she was devastated. The shock was almost too much to bear. How could she even go on without him, how could she function every day? But as she sat in Carol and Arthur’s living room this afternoon she realised something. ‘I’m stronger without him.’ The words erupted out of her almost of their own accord.

Debbie stares at her friend for a moment, studying the face she knows so well. ‘You know I agree with you.’

‘I do.’

‘It’s just a shame it’s taken Jim going missing for you to realise it.’

Laura twists her hands together. She’s desperate for a drink but doesn’t want Debbie to see how much she craves it. ‘I always thought I needed him, for everything. That I neededsomeone. My mum, you, Jim. But I need to stop cutting myself off from the rest of the world and start trusting people again.’ She looks up at Debbie. ‘I need to be free, and I can’t do that when Jim’s here.’

Debbie doesn’t reply for a few moments and Laura wonders what she’s thinking, whether she’s gone too far. But then Debbie stands, opens the fridge, pulls out a half-empty bottle of wine and pours them two huge glasses. They both down them without saying a word and as she puts her glass down and wipes her mouth on her sleeve, Laura can feel the seed of hope that planted itself in her earlier begin to unfurl, trying to reach the furthest corners of her body, her mind.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Debbie is rummaging around in the cupboard where Laura keeps her secret stash of booze – not so secret, Laura now realises as Debbie triumphantly produces an unopened bottle of vodka.

‘Sure.’ She stands and takes tumblers from the cupboard, the old ones her mum used to collect tokens for from the Esso garage, and waits while Debbie pours an inch of liquid into the bottom of each.

Debbie sits down opposite her again and leans forward, waiting for Laura to meet her gaze. ‘Does this have anything to do with Ben?’

‘What?’ Laura feels her face grow hot, and she’s not sure if it’s a sudden rush from the vodka she’s just tipped down her throat or the shock of her best friend’s words. She grips her glass tightly and tries to steady herself. ‘What’s Ben got to do with anything?’ Her voice is an octave too high.

Debbie drains her vodka too and bangs the glass down harder than she means to. ‘Come on, Lau, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You must have noticed.’

Laura can’t speak. Because the truth of Debbie’s words has seared through her, slicing open her heart like a hot knife, exposing her feelings, not just to the world, but to her too.

‘I—’ she blusters. Debbie tips more vodka into their glasses and Laura deflates. ‘I have noticed, yes.’

‘And?’ Debbie sips her drink this time and flinches at the harsh taste.

‘And nothing. My husband is missing, I haven’t got time to be thinking about anything or anyone else.’

Debbie doesn’t speak, so Laura fills the silence. ‘How can I, Debs? How can I be even starting to think about someone else when the man I love has gone missing?’

‘Because you’re beginning to realise he’s not the man you thought he was? Because he’s left you and not given a single thought to how his disappearance might have affected you? Because he’s clearly keeping something big from you? Because you’ve admitted yourself that you’re doing better without him here?’

A silence hovers for a moment, a moment when the future could go either way, depending on Laura’s next words.

‘There is nothing and will never be anything between me and Ben,’ she says, but the wobble in her voice gives away her uncertainty. ‘He just wants to help me, the same as everyone else at the meeting today.’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘It’s true. Just because he’s a handsome man does not automatically mean I’m going to cheat on Jim.’

‘How long though?’

Laura tilts her head, confused. ‘How long what?’

‘How long do you think it’s acceptable to wait for someone who’s abandoned you before you start to think about moving on?’ Her words are slurring a little.

‘More than a month!’

‘How long, then? Six months? Twelve? Three years? A decade?’ Debbie closes her eyes and when she opens them she sees Laura staring into her empty glass, her knuckles white from gripping it so hard. Then Laura shakes her head. ‘I don’t think we should be talking about this.’

‘Okay,’ Debbie agrees. ‘But only for now. There will come a point when you have to start thinking about yourself, Lau.’ She mimes zipping her lips shut. ‘Now I promise not to talk about it any more.’

Laura gives a nod and is just splashing some more vodka into their glasses when the sound of the doorbell breaks their truce. They both look up, startled.

Could it be…Jim?Laura mouths.

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