Page 89 of Finding the Pieces

“Ellie, are you sure about this? Won’t that be triggering?”

I nod. “Honestly, probably. But I’ve been talking with my new therapist about it. When she first asked me to do the session, I can’t explain it, I felt like I had to do it. I figure I’ll try it once, and if it’s too much, I’ll stop booking that type of appointment and focus more on family photos. But there’s this part ofme that feels like it’ll be healing in a way; that no matter what happens in birth, if the mom wants that moment captured, then I’m there to do that. I don’t have any pictures from the first few hours Luca was alive. There’s a lot that I grieve about our birth experience, and that’s one of them. Sometimes it’s not possible because the priority is obviously everyone’s safety, but if I can give a mom this…then I want to do that for them.

“In therapy we’ve been talking about the parts of my birthing experience that felt empowering. The choices I was able to make that felt right for me. How strong I felt. How supported Dom made me feel. I think sometimes I forget that I can feel both things. Grief for what went wrong, and joy at what went right.”

“Okay, but promise me we can check in afterward. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I promise.”

Therapy hasn’t been easy and I’ve only had three appointments. I can barely function afterward I’m so exhausted, especially since my therapist has me doing EMDR, a type of treatment that leaves me feeling emotionally drained but is supposed to help treat my PTSD. We’re trying everything and I don’t know if it’s any one approach or all of them together after over a year of ignoring everything that’s making the difference.

I’m committed this time. Regular appointments, EMDR, and I’m starting medication soon too. I’m even making time to sit outside when it’s nice to listen to birdsong, because my therapist mentioned it can help with anxiety.

There’s no quick fix, but for the first time in a long time, the brain fog has lessened, and in my heart…I have hope.

Hope that I can take pieces of my past and fit them into the mosaic of my future, and it’ll be more beautiful than I ever imagined.

Chapter forty-eight

Dom

Iclose the door as slowly and quietly as possible, holding my breath until I’ve completely backed into the hallway and the door is fully latched. I wait, unmoving and eyes wide, listening to see if my exit was a success.

I heave a sigh of relief before heading to the kitchen, grabbing two glasses and a bottle of wine, and rejoining Ellie in our backyard around the firepit. The fire crackles and sparks, casting Ellie in a warm glow as she reclines in the lawn chair.

The willow tree in our backyard sways gently in the breeze. Earlier, when I came home from work, I caught Ellie out here with Luca, her running through the low branches and greenery and Luca laughing and chasing after her as best he could on unsteady feet. I knew when I found this house it would be the home to all of my dreams. I’ve been lucky enough to watch them come true.

“Seems like it went well?” she asks with a nod to the monitor in my hand.

“It was…too easy,” I say with a heavy dose of suspicion, making Ellie laugh.

“I gave up on ever sleeping again. I’ve been too scared to say anything lately…but it’s better, right?” she asks.

“Thank fuck you said it first. Now if it all turns to shit, I’m in the clear.” She shoves my hip and I chuckle in my failed attempt to dodge her. I hand her a glass, filling it with wine before doing the same with mine.

“Cheers, to one last decent night of sleep before the next sleep regression, next tooth cuts in, or whatever the fuck else is about to ruin our REM sleep,” I say, before tapping my glass to hers.

“Cheers. It was nice while it lasted.” She pauses before continuing. “Most of me is ecstatic that he’s finally sleeping better, while this small voice is crying out at the fact that he’s getting older. More independent. God, I can’t think about the day when he doesn’t need me anymore.”

“Honey, he’ll always need you. The way he needs our support and the way we’ll show up for him will change for the rest of our lives, but it won’t stop. That’s the goal, right? Give him everything he needs to grow into the person he wants to be, and then support him the rest of the way.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Just hard to imagine my little baby all grown up and becoming a dentist or something.”

“You mispronouncedteacher, babe. It’s okay. I know you’re tired. Just catching up on your sleep for the first time in two years is all,” I say, with a small pat on her head, which she swats away with a giggle. “I’m really proud of you.”

“For jinxing us and ruining our sleep tonight?”

“For taking care of yourself,” I say seriously. “For trying something new.”

Her smile softens, sensing the shift in my tone. “Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn’t,” she says, voice thick with emotion.

“I’m always going to want to take care of you, Ellie. You and Luca both. You two are my entire world. We were meant to do this together. We can’t both have it together all the time. There will be days when you have to drive the bus and days where I’m happy to do the same.”

“And what about the days when neither of us is capable of driving.”

“Then god help us, Luca’s in charge.”

She laughs and takes another sip of wine. “Do you think he’ll remember us like this? I have these memories of my parents in my childhood and they always seemed so confident. So put together.”

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