Page 46 of Finding the Pieces

“Not at all. I love it, actually. What did you like about walking before?”

“Well, I’d listen to a podcast or an audiobook. I’d look at the houses in the neighborhood and be creepy deciding what I’d do with their landscaping if I lived there.”

“Always the green thumb. Okay, so I think you should make time to go on walks alone then. No baby in the stroller, no husband, no company. Just you, your headphones, and your daydreams. Got it? Okay, next.” He waves his hand in the air in a go-on motion.

“I miss my mornings. I don’t think I have too much control over this one, though. Luca wakes up at unpredictable times, usually upset, so I have to hurry in to get him. But I used to love making time in the morning for a cup of coffee while I read in the front window of the house. I like the lighting in there in the morning and my plants are all around me. It was nice.”

“Okay, tricker, I’ll admit. Do you and Dom split weekend morning responsibilities? Maybe talk to him about every other Sunday, you give each other the morning off or something. That way, at least twice a month, you take your time,you get your hot coffee, a good blanket, and a good book, and you start your week off right.”

Why hadn’t I ever thought of that?

“I’m sure Dom would be on board,” I say.

“Good. See? You got this. One more.”

“Well, there’s this new yoga studio that opened up near our house. I used to go a few years ago, and every time I drive past this place, I feel drawn to it.”

He gives me a soft smile. “Hm…I’m sure an opportunity will come up soon for you to check it out. Let’s prioritize the other two first and then we’ll make sure you get to that yoga studio.”

Excitement bubbles up knowing that there will be more moments like this. A little anxiety too. I already hate leaving Luca, but every time I do and nothing bad happens, I feel a little braver. It’s good for him to play and have time with his family, who loves him. Maybe it’s not so bad for me to take moments like this to feel more like…me.

Jake and I don’t often get time alone. The four of us usually spend our time together, but it’s nice to be able to talk with him without my attention split on our husbands or Luca. I genuinely have a problem paying attention to anything when I’ve got one eye on Luca.

My brain can finally close all the open tabs and focus on one. I know this break won’t last forever, and I certainly don’t want it to, since I’m already missing Luca, but I still enjoyed myself.

I’m thanking Jake again as we walk into the house. Listening closely, we give each other a look, concerned as we take off our shoes and coats. We walk down the hallway that connects to our kitchen, and the distinct sound of an Enya song plays through the living room speaker.

My hand flies to my mouth, and I gasp, giggling as I take in the sight of Dom and Chris on the couch, face masks on, cucumber slices on their eyes, and their toes drying with hot pink toe separators. Luca spots me from his spot between them on the couch as he plays with his own cucumber slices. The baby nail clippers and file are on the coffee table next to all the other adult nailcare supplies.

“What are you laughing at?” Dom asks, not even removing the vegetable slices from his eyes.

“What on Earth are you three doing?” Jake asks.

“It’s spa day. Sincesomeonedidn’t invite us along, we had to improvise. Don’t judge us; We got jealous,” Chris says.

Jake looks at me, rolls his eyes, and mutters, “He’s been complaining all week because I said I wanted one-on-one time with you.” He turns his attention back to Chris, who hasn’t taken the veggies off his eyes either. “I said we could go next month, just us two,” he says in a measured, placating tone.

I gasp, tapping Jake’s shoulder with the back of my hand. “Am I so easily replaced? I see how it is.”

“There is no winning in this family,” Jake grumbles as he heads to the fridge.

Luca kneels next to Dom, pulling the cucumber slices from his eyes and slapping his pudgy hands onto Dom’s cheeks. Dom smiles so brightly, I can’t look away. And when both my boys look at me, Dom’s face still smushed between Luca’s chunky fingers, their similar features unmistakable, my heart feels like it’s pulsing back to life.

Chapter twenty-three

Ellie

“Fuck,” I mumble as I spill coffee on the counter, missing my cup completely. I yawn as I clean up the spill, then try again to fill up my cup, this time successfully, with the caffeine I desperately need. Luca had one of the worst night’s sleep he’s had in weeks. Of course it falls on a night before I have to work.

Half zombie mom, half employee reporting for duty.

What a joke.

I’d take a sick day, but I depleted them during my maternity leave, and when I finally accrued a few, we got hit with the flu and all three of us were down. Then the cycle repeats.

Taking care of an infant while also being sick is truly a special kind of torture. Especially because it makes my anxiety skyrocket watching Luca struggle. He even lost his tiny voice for a few days after his first illness. I felt helpless.

The nagging voices inside my head were screaming at me and blaming me for letting him get sick. The reasonable voices battled, knowing I can’t prevent him from getting sick for his entire life.

---