Page 2 of Living on the Edge

“I know, you think I’m sexist.” He smiles as his eyes drift closed. But he’s not falling asleep. “I’m a middle-aged man who spent his entire career in the music business. I’m a little sexist…sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. You just need to focus on getting better.”

His eyes open and this time he’s the one who frowns. “Ryleigh… you know I’mnotgetting better. Right? You’ve been here when the doctors talk to me. This is it. I have hours, days, maybe a week or two.”

Despite my best efforts, tears puddle in my eyes.

“What the hell?” I demand in a harsh whisper. “First Mom, now you. Do I not deserve a family? It’s bad enough I grew up as an only child with two cousins, an absentee father, and a broken-hearted mom who never got over him.” I know I’m being ridiculous—there’s nothing he can do about the past—but this is the only chance I’ll have to get it off my chest.

“I know.” He reaches out a hand and waits for me to put mine in it. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the dad I should have been. And I hate that I hurt your mom. When she got pregnant, I told her I wasn’t husband material, but I’d marry her if that’s what she wanted.”

“She said yes because of her parents,” I reply. My grandparents had been jerks, and they would have cut Mom and me off if she hadn’t married my father.

He nods. “Yeah. And I did it because it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t good at it, but I did the right thing because I loved her. I hope…” He pauses, coughing slightly. “I hope you don’t think I didn’t. I did. I just… I couldn’t be tied down. If she had been happy for me to come and go, I would have stayed with her. If she would have come with me, I would have stayed. But she wanted something more traditional, and I couldn’t give her—either of you—that.”

“She regretted it,” I whisper. I feel a twinge of guilt betraying my mom, but she’s long gone, and he’ll be gone soon too. “She wished she’d stuck it out. She said having a small part of you was better than none at all.”

He sighs, shaking his head. “I’m really sorry, Ry. I mean that. I wish… I wish I could go back in time, fix some of this. I should have fought harder for the relationship. I was never going to give up my career, but I should have fought harder for the woman I loved. I never got over her either.”

“But the pull of rock and roll was stronger than your love for her.”

“No. The two things aren’t related. But I am who I am. I would have been miserable working for some local newspaper, covering high school football games and town hall meetings. And that would have impacted our relationship just as negatively as my leaving.”

Dad is a photojournalist, one of the most well-known in the music business, and from the outside looking in, it’s all consuming.

Sadly, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

“I know but…” I rub my eyes with my free hand. “Couldn’t you have found a balance?”

“I tried. Your mom gave me an ultimatum.”

“She never told me that.”

He squeezes my hand. “Listen, kiddo, I know I never won any Dad of the Year awards, but you know I love you, yeah?”

Another rush of tears floods my eyes as I nod.

I know.”

“And I’m letting you down again because I won’t be here for any of the milestones… walking you down the aisle, being a grandpa to your kids, even following your career.”

“It’s okay.” I sniffle. What else can I say? It’s not, but he can’t help having cancer.

“There’s a little money, though,” he continues. “Look at me, Ryleigh.”

I meet his gaze, wishing I didn’t have tears streaming down my cheeks.

“The condo is paid for, so you only have to worry about the maintenance, taxes, and utilities.”

I don’t know why but that makes me feel worse.

“There’s some money in my retirement fund, but don’t dig into that until you’re older unless it’s urgent. Short-term, there’s about twelve thousand in my personal savings account, and a few grand in my checking account. Your name is on everything, and I set up a trust, so you won’t have to go through any complicated probate stuff.”

I hadn’t known that, and despite my sadness, I’m grateful he thought ahead this way.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“And yesterday I spoke to Rich Fowler.”

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