Page 59 of Behind the Bars

My legs shook beneath me, and my vision began to blur. The second I was about to collapse, Mom wrapped me against her body and held me. Still, that didn’t stop either of us from falling to the floor as heartache attacked usintensely.

“No, no, no,” Mom cried against me. “Not my baby, not my baby,” she sobbeduncontrollably.

TJ tried to help us, but he couldn’t. There was no way we could be put backtogether.

Mom couldn’t catch her breath as she began to realize she was suffering from a parent’s worst nightmare. She lost herself on the hospital floor and was unable to be fixed, because once a parent lost their child, they lost themselves. There was no way to fix a broken heart that beat for a child. There was no way to console a person whose world had just been stolen away fromthem.

There was no way to make any of thisokay.

As Mom tried her best to comfort me, I tried my best to hold her tight. Neither one of us would ever be okay again. Something inside of each of us snapped, and it was beyond repair. That something would be damaged forever, unable to know what it felt like to be alive everagain.

That something was ourhearts.

My heart stopped beating the moment Katie died because ofme.

Mom’s stopped beating the moment she realized thetruth.

I’d never forgivemyself.

I’d never expect Mom to forgive me,either.

As we sat there on the floor, broken and damaged, I managed to push out the only words that kept flying through my mind. As tears fell down my cheeks and my throat burned, I finally spoke the four words that would never mean enough, the four words that would haunt me each day movingforward.

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry,Mom.”

I kept repeating it over and over again, and still, it feltempty.

Subject: 4,624mi

Eli,

Hey, you. I haven’t heard from you, but I’m guessing you’re busy. I’ve been a bit busy, too. But I just wanted you to know I’m still thinking ofyou.

London is four thousand, six hundred, and twenty-four miles away from NewOrleans.

Today I thought about walking each and every one to get back toyou.

-Jazz

Also, still loveyou.

Chapter Sixteen

Elliott

The day of the funeral,I stood in front of my bedroom mirror, staring at myself in the black suit. My eyes were puffy, and I couldn’t tie my tie. I kept looping it repeatedly, but no matter what, I couldn’t do it. Katie always didit.

She always fixed myties.

“Let me?” TJasked.

I knew he was standing behind me in the doorframe, but I didn’t speak to him. I hadn’t really spoken to anyone. Words seemed pointless. Tying ties seemedpointless.

Everything waspointless.

I dropped my hands to my sides, defeated, and TJ stepped into the room. He picked up the two ends of the tie, and as he did it, he cleared histhroat.

“You can talk to me, you know. About anything. About everything. Aboutnothing.”

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