Page 51 of If It Can't Be Us

She laughs. “No. I did book business class, though. That’s still good, right?”

“Yeah, it’s better than economy, but it doesn’t even compare to first class.”

“Okay, I’ll send you my flight info later. What will you do in London while you’re there, aside from visiting your brother and his family?”

“I’ll mostly spend time with Andrew, but I’ll have some business meetings, see my dad, and hang out with my friend Brian. We like to hit the local pubs.” I sip my coffee. “He’s coming here for Christmas and New Year’s, so I’ll get to spend plenty of time with him.”

“Oh? You’ve never mentioned him before. You have this whole secret life that I don’t know about.” She puts her hands up, innocently. “I’m not prying, by the way, just stating facts.”

“It’s not a secret. Brian comes every year for New Years, this will be the first time he’s coming for Christmas. He’s my longest childhood friend, and we went to university together… He’s like a brother to me, you’ll like him. What doyouhave planned for when you go back home?”

“I don’t have a lot of set plans yet.” She takes a sip of her cappuccino. “I’m taking my niece and nephew to Zoo Lights with Ben’s sister, Melissa. We do that every year. It’s just a girls’ thing with the kids—get them hot cocoa, the whole deal.” She sets her cup down and leans back in her chair. “Aside from that, I’ll go to Ben’s house on Christmas Eve. I don’t know if that’s weird, that I still do stuff with them, but they are my second family. I’ve known them since I was fifteen.”

“I don’t think that’s weird atall.”.

She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I’m staying with my parents because both my houses are rented out during that time. I’ll spend Christmas Day with them, and of course, Sarah and I will see each other multiple times, but no specific plans yet.” She smiles, thinking about it. “I’ll be happy to go from this cold to Utah cold; it doesn’t even compare.”

I nod in agreement. “The Chicago cold is bloody brutal. It sounds like it’s going to be a great trip. You’ll have to send pics.”

“I will for sure, and you too, from London. I’ve only been there once, and it was in high school. I don’t remember as much as I’d like to.”

“You’ll have to come back with me sometime.” I pause, remembering something. “Speaking of pictures, I forgot to show you a picture of Emma.” I pull up the photos Andrew sent me and hand my phone to her. “Look how bloody beautiful she is.”

She takes my phone, her beautiful smile spreading across her face. “Oh my God. She is so perfect.” Her voice is a whisper, as if she’s in a cathedral and doesn’t want to disturb the peace. “Look how tiny she is!” She swipes through the photos, a sense of longing coming over her as she strokes the phone, trying to grasp my niece in her fingers. A pang of sadness hits her face, and I realize that one of her most painful memories just surfaced. It makes me feel like shit.

“God, Viv, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what these photos might do to you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze as I lean in.

“Don’t be sorry,” she says, wiping a tear from her face. “It’s not your fault. I’m so happy for your brother and Nichole.”

“I know, but that was shitty of me. I can’t imagine that kind of loss, losing someone that you created with the person you loved more than anyone else… and then losing them both.”

“It’s okay. I don’t want people to not experience this joy just because I lost mine. She’s beautiful, and I’m so excited for you to meet her. I want you to share the experience with me. Please don’t hold back because of my past.” She places her hand on my leg, “I can tell this means a lot to you.”

“I will, I promise.” Giving her another squeeze, I stand up. “Let’s do something to get your mind off this. Want me to teach you some self-defense?”

“Yes, that would be great,” she says, a smile taking over her face.

We move to the family room, and I teach her a few basics: strikes, blocks, how to escape a hair pull, a chokehold, and how to prevent being taken to the ground. We work on her technique, and I give her a few real-life scenarios and tips to be aware of her surroundings. She’s a natural—already strong and physically fit, she just needs practice.

She goes home to shower and get some work done before returning later for dinner. After dinner, we make some popcorn on the stove and settle on the couch to watch the British version ofLove Island.The show is a bloody mess, a psychological shitshow, but she loves it.

I have a large white sectional with two brown leather chairs opposite. We sit with the popcorn bowl between us and our feet up on the coffee table. There’s a comfort in these moments with her, an effortless ease that feels like we’re an old married couple.

“Nick asked me out again,” she says casually, her eyes fixed on the TV. “We’re having lunch on Tuesday.”

“That’s great,” I reply, keeping my voice light.

Inside, a familiar knot tightens in my chest. What if she falls in love with the wanker? The thought of losing this closeness terrifies me.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with Vivian. I imagine us not just sharing a couch, but a life—laughing at inside jokes, supporting each other through everything, and having incredible sex.

God, sex with Vivian would be insanely good. Once you’ve had sex with someone you love, though, it becomes personal, intimate—something Vivian had with Ben, but then lost. The thought of being that close to her, in every way, is intoxicating. But the fear of loving her only to lose her is too strong.

I’ve lost too much already.

Chapter 15

VIVIAN

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