Page 106 of If It Can't Be Us

I contemplate my last thought, and the word escape stands out in my mind.Escape—the act of avoiding something unpleasant. A sudden realization hits me: although I moved to Chicago for what I believed to be the right reasons, I was actually escaping the difficulties I faced every day. And now, I’m doing the same thing again. I’m escaping the problem, the very thing I don’t want to deal with.

Maybe the problem isn’t all Leo. Maybe it’s me too. I keep escaping from the hard things instead of facing them head-on.

Fuuuccckk. I moved to Chicago when things got too hard with Ben. I didn’t talk to Leo over my Christmas break, and then again in January and February. Now I’m avoiding him again. But isn’t it healthy to avoid getting hurt even more? I need to figure out how to balance protecting myself andconfronting the issues at hand. I either need to rip the bandaid off and be done with Leo completely, or be okay with this nameless relationship. I can’t change him; I can only do things differently.

At least I recognize my pattern of escaping now. It’s not the healthiest, but I am planning to go back. I just need a minute… or a few weeks, to ground myself and come up with a plan.

I pick up my phone and look at my message notifications. I have six new text messages, all from late last night. The only ones I’ve opened and responded to since I left have been from Melissa and Sarah. There are three texts from Leo, one from Meredith, and two more from Melissa.

Melissa:Did you get in the house ok?

Melissa:Lmk if you need anything… girls night tonight?

I send a quick response, kicking myself for not checking in once I arrived.

Vivian:Yes! Thank you so much for stocking the fridge. You know I can’t live without my cream! You’re the best… tonight works for girls night. Should we get Thai?

I open Meredith’s text.

Meredith:Hey—checking in on you. I spoke with Leo briefly last night… if you need to talk, I’m here.

That’s sweet of Mer.

Vivian:Thanks Meredith. I'm ok. I may take you up on that in a few days.

I stare at Leo’s messages, nervous to open them, knowing the effect they will have on me. I tap on them.

Leo:Viv… please come over and talk to me.

Leo:Please answer your phone… We need to talk.

He called twice last night, and I sent them to voicemail.

Leo:Babe—please talk to me. I care about you more than anything. Don’t push me away.

Don’t push him away?Give me a break, I can’t push anyone away who won’t let me in to begin with. I ponder what to say. I don’t want to ignore him completely. I can’t run from my problems more than I already have. I have to face them eventually.

Vivian:Hey… I got your messages. I just need some time to think.

I hesitate before pressing send, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. I want to be honest with him, but is this too vague? I delete it, and start typing again.

Vivian:I care about you too, but I need to know you’re willing to let me in. Completely. I need to know that you’re open to moving forward with me—not just staying where we are. I’m in Utah for now. I don’t know when I’m coming back.

I take a deep breath and press send. The little dots indicating he’s typing appear almost immediately. My heart races as I wait for his response.

Leo:I know. I want you to have the clarity you need … I wish you wouldn’t have taken off before talking to me. When do you come home?

Jesus.

He wants me to have clarity, but obviously can’t give it to me. We keep hitting the same nail on the head over and over—he wants me to understand, but he won’t give me what I need to get there. I ignore that, only answering his question.

Vivian:Don’t know when I’m coming back, could be a few weeks, or a few months. I may not come back at all… Utah is my home. Chicago was only ever a temporary move.

The dots appear again as he continues to type.

Leo:I wish I could promise you everything you deserve right now. Please don’t run away… Come back, you have a life here.

Vivian:People don’t make major life decisions and permanent moves for a fuck-buddy, Leo. That’s clearly all I am to you when it comes down to it.

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