Page 105 of If It Can't Be Us

Viv,

Please come over when you get home so we can talk. I don’t like the way things were left. I do not want to lose you.

-Leo-

Well, unfortunately, I don’t see the words “I love you” on that note, or anything about him making this work, so to hell with that.

I crumple the note in my hand as a fresh wave of anger and disappointment washes over me. Tossing it in the trash, I sink into the couch, my mind racing. I need more than words on a piece of paper.

I pace the room, trying to shake off the frustration. I glance out the window toward Leo’s place, hoping he’ll come to his senses and come over to confess his love for me. But the street is empty.

Frantically, I start packing a bag. I have to get out of here. I stop only for a moment to find myself a flight to Salt Lake City, sobbing uncontrollably, even though I just sobbed for two hours outside. I find a flight that leaves in five hours and book it… a one-way only. I’ll have to talk to Seth and my boss about working remotely for a few weeks, and I’ll need to fly in at least twice over the next month to be on-site. Shit, I hope I can make this work.

I throw some clothes into the bag, my hands shaking. I don’t know when I’ll be back. My one-year contract is up in five weeks, and I was hoping, albeit stupidly, that Leo would ask me to move in with him, so I could let Seth have the condo back. I know he won’t mind if I stay, but I’ll have to start paying rent, and it’s expensive. But if Leo and I are through, I can’t live here. Ugh! I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to get out of here and get some fresh air. I pack quickly and head to the airport three hours early.

I don’t even know where I’m going to stay. I don’t want to stay with my parents because my mom will be all positive, and I can’t handle that shit right now.

I text Melissa.

Vivian:Hey, I have a random question… do you know if the park city home we did together is available right now or being rented? I need a place to crash for a couple of days. If you think your dad would be okay with it.

Worst-case scenario, I can go to my parents in a few days, but right now, I need to be alone.

Melissa:Hey! It’s totally available! Everything ok?

Vivian:Yeah, everything is good. Just needing a Utah visit… don’t want to stay at my parents. I arrive tonight.

Melissa:Do you want me to stock the fridge with some of your faves?

Vivian:No, please do not go to any trouble. Girl's night this weekend tho? Watch movies? Can you send me the entrance code and anything else I need to know?

Melissa:Yes to girls night, and incoming. Give me 5.

She sends me all the info I need to get into the house, and I feel a wave of relief. Normally, I’d be thrilled to stay at such an incredible place, but right now, it’s challenging to muster any excitement. I debate whether to tell my parents I’m coming. I have to settle my emotions before I see them. I text Sarah to let her know that I’m headed her way.

* * * * ** * * * *

The Uber driver drops me in front of the 7000 square foot home. The meticulously manicured landscape and accent lighting highlight the home beautifully. I enter the key code. The lock hums and clicks, and I step inside this stunning retreat that I helped create. I gasp, momentarily forgetting how majestic the entrance is. The furniture is fit for royalty, modern and elegant. I walk into the kitchen and fill up my water bottle from the reverse osmosis tap, savoring the brief moment of serenity.

There’s a handwritten note on the counter from Melissa.

Hey, I stocked the fridge for you so you wouldn’t have to go to the store tonight. I knew you’d at least need cream for your coffee in the morning.

XoXo, Melissa

It’s such a simple gesture, but it brings tears to my eyes. Maybe I’m just extra emotional from the day. I think back to my argument with Leo this morning—can I even call it that? It was more me getting upset and talking too much. A wave of nausea hits me, and I feel as if I’m going tobe sick. I run to the bathroom, barely making it in time, as I hurl up the dinner I ate at the airport.

I rinse my mouth and gargle some water. Needing my toothbrush, I carry my suitcase upstairs to the master suite. Opening it, I pull out my toiletries.

* * * * ** * * * *

I slept like shit, again. I feel exhausted and foresee a long nap in my near future.

I open the fridge to grab the creamer Melissa bought, scanning it to see what options I’ll have later for breakfast. I take my coffee onto the master suite balcony and sit on the luxurious outdoor patio couch. The view of pine trees and the valley below, with the sun rising, is breathtakingly beautiful. The temperature is perfect, and the only sounds are the array of birds singing, echoing through the mountains. Closing my eyes, I inhale the mountain air. I can almost taste the sap from the trees, and the scent of wildflowers singes my nose hairs.

There isnothinglike this. The tranquility and peace of the mountains is the most healing thing for my soul.

God, this is just the escape I needed.

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