Page 47 of If It Can't Be Us

After dinner, we all help clean up. I’m in the middle of washing dishes when Leo stands behind me, gripping my shoulders to take my place. Henods toward Meredith, who’s sitting at the table with Stella. “I’ve got this, why don’t you go have a chat and relax.”

God, he really is great.

“You sure? I’m happy to finish.”

“I insist. Go relax.” He scoots me out of the way, and I can’t help but think about what a great partner in life he would be, just like Ben was. I force that thought from my mind, as it’s a moot point, and join Meredith and Stella. They immediately include me in their conversation about their December holiday plans. This is something I’m genuinely interested in, knowing I’m going to miss some of my favorite holiday activities and traditions this year, not being in Utah until later in December. Stella tells us that they take the kids every year to a light show and this year’s will be at the botanical gardens. Meredith tells me about the Christkindlmarket downtown, which piques my interest. I love the one in Utah and have gone the past few years.

“You’ll have to get Leo to take you. It’s fun, and a great Christmas market! The spiced wine is to die for.” Meredith lights up with excitement as she tells me about some vendors and different food creations there.

Stella turns to me, “Speaking of Leo, what’s the deal with you two?” She asks as she nods to where Leo is doing the dishes.

“What do you mean?” I ask, feigning ignorance.

“Oh, come on. There’s nothing going on between you two? You know, more than friends? It just seems like there’s maybe… something more, you know?” I notice Meredith out of the corner of my eye, watching cautiously.

“You think?” I ask, scrunching my face. “No, we’re just friends. I mean, we have a flirtatious relationship for sure… but just friends.” I can tell my answer doesn’t convince Meredith, but Stella seems to buy it.

“Ah, okay… damn. I had a bet going with Michael that you two were secretly more than friends. I swear, the way he looks at you, I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that… I’ve actually never seen him with any woman more than two or three times, except you, Mer, but you don’t count.” She laughs as she shrugs. “Guess I owe Michael a blowjob.”

Meredith interjects, “Oh, come on, Stell. You know Leo—he never lets things go beyond friendship.” Hearing Meredith confirm that realitymakes my heart sink. I glance over at Leo, who is still at the sink, oblivious to our conversation. He looks sexy doing the dishes, and the weight of Meredith’s words settle heavily on me. I force a smile as I nod along to their banter.

The rest of the night goes perfectly. After cleaning up dinner, we linger around the table, immersed in conversation and laughter. It feels like being with old friends, and I savor every moment of that easy, familiar comfort. As we ready to leave, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of peace and gratitude that I could spend a holiday I expected to be difficult, away from home, with genuine, caring people.

Leo and I grab our coats and say our goodbyes to everyone. As we walk toward the car, my heart begins to race.

I click my seatbelt into the buckle and find myself torn. Part of me wants so badly to talk to him, to set boundaries and define what we are to each other so that there is no more confusion and conflicting emotions. The other part of me wants him to pull me into the back seat and fuck me. I glance at Leo, wondering if he can sense the turmoil within me.

Leo pulls out into the road and we both start saying something at the same time, making us laugh.

“You go,” he says.

“I was just going to say that I had a really great time. Thank you for inviting me to your Thanksgiving and for making this day not only bearable but enjoyable.” My voice cracks.Goddammit.“You have no idea what this day has done for me, knowing that I can have some normalcy during a holiday. It’s a huge stride for me.” I look at him tenderly, “Seriously, Leo. Thank you so much for everything.”

“Anytime. You know you’re one of my closest friends. I’d do anything for you… I hope you know that.”

I form a slight smile as I blink back the moisture pooling in my eyes. “I do. And I feel the same way. You’re my very best friend here in Chicago, and after last night….” I pause, choking back the tears threatening to fall. “I don’t want to lose your friendship.” I guess I’m starting the uncomfortable conversation.

“Look… Viv, I know this is difficult. No one wants to have this kind of chat; it’s uncomfortable and hard. If I didn’t care about you so much, it wouldn’t be worth having, but I do. I care about you… a lot. So I think it’s crucial for us to talk about what happened last night.”

I nod, knowing he’s right.

He continues, “I’m very attracted to you, that’s no secret. From the moment I saw you running past my house to now, my attraction has only grown stronger. And I doubt that will ever go away. You’re an incredible woman, and goddamn, you can kiss!” He flashes a smirk. “I’d never want you to think I didn’t enjoy last night. It was fucking incredible.” He pauses briefly, earning a smile from me. “But I also know we want different things in life. And I respect you enough to admit I can’t give you what you deserve. I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness or complicate your life in any way.”

He stops talking and waits for me to respond, as if I know what the fuck to say to that. It feels like an impossible situation, and I find myself not wanting to deal with it, leaving the elephant in the room and tiptoeing around it—that might be easier.

He glances in my direction, silently urging me to speak.

I take a moment to gather my thoughts. “Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it. I’m obviously attracted to you too, and I value our friendship.” I pause, choosing my words carefully. “I know you don’t want a relationship. Last night wasn’t about that. It was just lust, a moment with someone I’m attracted to and feel comfortable with—something I haven’t felt in a long time. Honestly, I know we should set boundaries, and define our friendship, but I just don’t want to. I like how things are. I have fun with you, I trust you, and I like our dynamic.”

I take a deep breath, my voice steady but vulnerable. “Pushing the boundaries of our friendship last night had more to do with me than with you. Since Ben died, I’ve struggled with getting close to anyone. But with you, I felt safe enough to push past those walls, to see if I could move beyond the guilt and fear that’s held me back. I’m sorry for crossing a line; I won’t do it again. But I didn’t do it with the intent of snagging a boyfriend… I’m not that naive.”

I sigh deeply and lean my head back against the headrest, closing my eyes for a moment. “I just don’t want things to change between us. I know that’s taking the easy way out, avoiding the problem, but can we pretend this never happened and go back to how things were?” I open my eyes and look at him, hoping he understands and feels the same way.

Leo glances at me, his expression softening with understanding. We reach a red light, and the quiet sound of the car fills the space between us.

“Hey, I get it. I don’t want things to change between us either. But pretending nothing happened isn’t realistic. We both know the attraction is too strong to ignore.”

The light turns green, and we continue driving. As the river comes into view, he pulls into the parking garage and parks the car. Leo turns to me, his eyes earnest. “I’m worried that if we keep sitting close and touching, even if it’s just friendly, it’ll be too hard to avoid crossing that line again. It’s not about setting boundaries to define our friendship, it’s about protecting it. We can’t have any wandering hands. I care about you too much to risk messing this up.”

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