Page 112 of If It Can't Be Us

For a moment, I allow myself to picture us in the same home, raising kids together, and a warm happiness washes over me. I find myself teary-eyed as I sip my coffee, forcing it down despite its bitter taste. It still doesn’t taste great, but I don’t want to face the caffeine headache that comes with cutting it out entirely. I stick to a small cup each morning, mindful not to overdo it for the baby’s sake.

A wave of nausea hits me, and I rush inside to the bathroom in Sarah’s suite—I know I won’t make it to mine. I vomit into the toilet, the tears that had already pooled now streaming down my cheeks. I hate throwing up with a passion and definitely don’t do it gracefully. Hoping the nausea subsides soon, I rinse my face with cold water, swish and gargle some mouth rinse, and pat my face dry before rejoining Sarah outside.

“Have you told your mom yet?” Sarah asks as I sit down. The sun is starting to reach the corners of the deck, and I know the sweatshirt I’m wearing will be too warm in the next twenty minutes.

“No, not yet. I want to wait until I have a bit more clarity,” I say.

Sarah is the only one who knows about the pregnancy right now. I have my first appointment in a week and a half, and I’d like my mom to be there, so I might have to tell her by then. I could bring Sarah, and I’d love for her to be there with me, but I might really need my mom’s support.

“When do you plan to tell Leo?” Sarah asks, her brow furrowed in concern.

“Ugh, I don’t know,” I reply, rubbing my temples. “Soon? I have to go to Chicago in a week for work, and I’d rather do it in person. I could tell him over lunch.”

Sarah nods thoughtfully. “That sounds like a good plan.”

I take a deep breath and shift my gaze, then ask, “Are you and Ryan trying yet?” I remember her mentioning at my birthday party that they were considering starting a family soon, which makes sense given Ryan’s age.

“Yes!” Sarah says, her eyes sparkling. “We’re officially trying, as of two weeks ago. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we both had babies within a few months of each other?”

“Yeah, that would be really great,” I agree, smiling at the thought.

We chat more, but as the sun rises and warms the deck, the brisk mountain morning air starts to fade, leaving me feeling uncomfortably hot, and killing the vibe.

* * * * ** * * * *

After breakfast, Sarah gathers her things into her overnight bag. I walk her outside, where the sun is blazing hot now. We share a hug goodbye, and I remind her to text me when she gets home, as I’m always worried about her drive.

Once Sarah leaves, I decide to start my day with a Peloton ride. I push through a challenging workout, the sweat and endorphins clearing my mind. Feeling energized, I head to the shower and dry my hair while pondering how to spend my Saturday. I know I have a few hours of work to catch up on, so I grab my laptop and head to the office. The room has a floor-to-ceiling window that offers stunning views and floods the space with natural light. I could get used to living here, but I remind myself that this is only a temporary escape.

Fifteen minutes into my work, the familiar buzz of my phone breaks my concentration. It’s a text from Leo.

Leo:Good morning, love. What are you up to today?

I scowl at the phone, unsure of what to do with this. This text is different from the cutesy messages he’s been sending lately; it feels normal, like we’re just good friends and no time has passed.

Does he think we can simply pick up where we left off or become more by exchanging texts?

I guess it’s technically my fault for the lack of communication since I left and haven’t answered his calls. That realization stings a bit.

Vivian:Just getting some work done.

There. Simple and to the point.

Leo:Are you home?

Vivian:Yes.

Leo:Could you do me a favor?

Is there a more vague question?

Vivian:I don’t know… I guess it depends on what it is.

I type it irritably.

Leo:Can you take a few minutes to listen to a song? I picked it carefully for you from one of your favorite artists. I know music speaks to you and can define moments in your life. I want you to have a defining moment right now, a memory that’s sparked every time you hear this song. It conveys what I want to say to you. I’d sing it for you, but that would ruin the effect I want it to have.

He adds a grimacing face emoji at the end, which makes me smile slightly.

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