Page 111 of If It Can't Be Us

“What do you want to say?”

“I want to tell him to either go to hell or fuck off,” I say with a quiet laugh. “But I also want to tell him that I love him and that I miss him…” I trail off, my mood turning somber.

“Well,” she says laughing, “I guess you could say all of those things. Nothing wrong with being honest.”

“I know. I just don’t want to give him anything until I’m clear on his intentions.”

“What do you think they are?”

“I’m not sure. It feels like he wants me to come back so we can fall into the same dysfunctional pattern we’ve had for months—the endless push and pull of Vivian and Leo.” I shake my head, leaning back and crossing my arms. “I think he wants more, but will struggle to commit. I feel he loves me, but I don’t know if leaving Utah to go back to Chicago will change anything,” I say quietly. “And that terrifies me.”

She looks at me with concern. “That’s tough… especially given your current situation.”

I put my phone away. “I’ll figure out what to say later,” I say with a smile. “I don’t want to be distracted while I’m with you.”

The music drifts onto the balcony from inside, and the lights on Main Street shimmer in the night. “I don’t mind talking about it.” Sarah reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “It’s going to work out. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Right… because that’s how my life usually goes.

* * * * ** * * * *

I say goodnight to Sarah as she heads into one of the guest suites. The house, a luxury ski home, has four large master suites, two with balconies and hot tubs. Since Sarah had been drinking, she’s staying over. I wouldn’t feel right sending her down the canyon late at night, for obvious reasons.

I sit cross-legged on my bed and open my phone, staring at the message from Leo. It’s almost midnight in Chicago, and I debate waiting until morning to respond, but I don’t want to.

Vivian:Really? Who’s the lucky girl… do I know her?

Smiling, I send the message, not expecting a reply until morning. I leave my phone on the bed and brush my teeth.

I climb into bed and turn off the lights with the remote on the nightstand. As I reach for my phone to plug it in, it lights up.

Leo:Hmm. I don’t think you do. You’d like her though, she’s about your height, dark brown hair… come to think of it, she reminds me of you. She’s witty, cool as can be, and sexy as hell.

Vivian:Is that right? Well I know how things end in the movie… what’s your ending look like?

Leo:They live happily ever after, love. :-)

I shake my head, a smile tugging at my lips as my heart skips a beat. Damn him.

Vivian:Good night Leo.

I set my phone on the charger and roll over, nestling my head into the pillow. Tonight feels better than it has in a while. For the first time in weeks, I allow myself to feel hopeful, imagining a future where maybe, just maybe, Leo and I could find that happy ending.

* * * * ** * * * *

The next morning

“Do you think you’ll move back? Raise the baby here?” Sarah asks, sipping her coffee.

We’re on the balcony of her room, which faces the back of the mountain, making it feel like you’re in the woods. I watch a doe and her two fawns grazing a short distance away, their ears twitching occasionally.

“I don’t know. I’d like to be near my mom and dad, but I do like Chicago. Honestly, it depends on Leo. I wouldn’t move away if he wanted tobe actively involved.” As I say it, I realize he will want to be, based on our conversation during that walk. “I feel stuck.”

“Do you think he’d ever move here?”

I consider the question for a moment. “I’m not sure; I haven’t really thought about that as an option,” I admit honestly. I purse my lips, a scowl forming. Maybe hecouldmove here.

I start to envision what my life might look like, and a pang of sadness washes over me as I realize that my future might not include a husband to share it with. I’m in love with someone who won’t commit, and I can’t fully separate from him because we’re now connected through my pregnancy. I thought things were complicated enough before, being a widow, but now it feels like an absolute clusterfuck.

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