Page 9 of What Doesn't Kill Us

I narrow my eyes. “Do you think?”

She laughs, springing up in her seat and bringing her feet underneath her as she asks enthusiastically, “What happened? I saw Hans coming and going, and he did not look too happy.”

I sigh, taking a long drink of my icy-cold mineral water before explaining. “Yes. Let’s say he and Antoinette had a difference in opinion.”

She gasps, her eyes widening. “Antoinette made him bleed?”

“You don’t have to sound so excited about it.” I say exasperatedly.

She raises her shoulder dismissively. “Well, you’ve always made her sound so docile. You know I love it when a kitten finds her claws.”

I laugh at the idea of Antoinette ever being referred to as a kitten. I don’t believe she’s ever had a docile bone in her body, even in the time she didn’t remember who she was. If amnesia Antoinette is any indication, the real Antoinette is going to be a real pain in the ass.

“It appears she has found her claws. I tried to tell her how it was going to be, and she decided she was going to show me I’m no longer calling the shots for her.”

Carolina grimaces and then relaxes back into her seat in quiet contemplation. After a few moments, she responds, “Then what does that mean for your plans for her? If she’s going to fight you on everything now, then how can you even proceed?”

I place my mineral water on the table beside me and rub my hands over my face before letting them drop into my lap tiredly. “I honestly don’t know. It’s not like I can get close enough to her to tell her anything, and I’m not even sure what the hell to tell her at this point. I’m mostly in the dark, you’re mostly in the dark, everyone’s working in the fucking dark here. And I know with her, there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to have a super quick conversation because she’s going to be a full-on hellcat the moment she sets eyes on me. We’ll end up caught before I can even get a word in.”

Carolina frowns and tilts her head at me. “Are you sure about that? I know I’m an outsider here, but it seems to me if she has flipped the script that drastically, then maybe her response will be a bit more cautious. She’s smart; she must know something big is at stake here, even if she doesn’t know exactly what.”

I nod. “This is true. I don’t really know what’s going through her head, but it seems safe to say she may be a bit more cautious. I still don’t think I can chance it in public, though. And I’m not getting an opportunity to sneak in again anytime soon.”

“I could do it.”

“No way. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get any more mixed up in this than you already are. As of right now, no one knows that you’re even privy to who she is to me, and it’s probably best to keep it that way.”

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. “Oh, fuck off, Darius. You know nothing about the circumstances of my involvement in this situation, so save your sanctimonious preaching for people who need your protection. The odds I’ll ever get out of this tangled web in one piece is nil, so for once in my life, I’d like to pick the path that I’m going to be on. I said I’ll do it, and I’ll fucking do it.”

I scowl at her again. What is with these women lately? Every time I turn around, one of them is busting my balls. I likely deserve it, but maybe I’d like a bit of a break now and then. Maybe I’d like somebody to call me and pretend they give a shit about my opinion.

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea. Obviously, we don’t have a lot of other options, and this is likely our best one, but I still feel it’s a mistake. I get you feel you’re already in over your head with all this bullshit, but we never really know which path leads us deeper into the shit storm until it’s too late.”

She nods, but I can tell from the look in her eye that she will not change her mind. I sigh, allowing myself to sink back further into my seat, resting my head back as I say, “Fine, we’ll do it your way. Honestly, I can’t say that my way has worked out very well lately, so maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to sit back and let someone else drive the bus.”

Carolina cackles. “Surely you mean the crazy train. The crazy train right through to Crazytown.”

I can’t help but laugh in response. She’s not wrong. And perhaps, in some strange way, Antoinette is right to cut me out of the equation.

Maybe it’s time to divide and conquer.

Chapter Five

Toni

There’ssomethingtobesaid for autonomy over one’s choices.

My decision to cut the cord on Dare’s overbearing bullshit was impulsive and fueled by rage, but I don’t regret it one bit. I’m sure he’s fuming. He’s maybe even smashed some shit up, but I’m so done with anyone trying to lead me around by the nose. I may not remember much about my past, but I’m certain that some part of me was raised to stand on my own two feet, fight my own battles, and either come out victorious or die.

Of course, now I’m not convinced having Lilith continue to withhold the details of my existence is the right choice. I can’t help but wonder if having her lay it all out on the line for me would trigger something in my brain that would have it all come rushing back to me. I have to ask her more questions when I have that weird sense of something being within my grasp, hoping it will nudge it into reality.

It doesn’t help that some memories that seem clear to me were planted by Darius when he was helping me adjust to having no memories. Being able to differentiate between what someone put there intentionally and what is reality is excruciating, and sometimes, it feels impossible. As if the taxing effort is pointless and that maybe it’s all for nothing.

This also leads me to the eternal question: does it matter who I was before?

Lilith is of the mind that it doesn’t matter at all. That once you reach your ends of being, you let it rest and continue in your current form without regard for your previous self. She believes we’re both better off forgetting about the past and going about our business with a clean slate. Most of the time, I’m inclined to believe her, but then some random thing will pop up and reignite a burning question in my mind.

For example: why the fuck would I give Darius a watch, never mind one with a tracking device in it? Sure, we had a dalliance, and it seemed like it would grow into something serious, but why would I feel inclined to track him? It seems to me like gifting a tracking device disguised as a trinket would be more something he would do to me.

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