Page 46 of Reviving Kendall

Mr. Bishop reaches into the packet and pulls out a thin white paper. It’s crazy to think that something so small could carry so much weight. Looking it over, I see that what they have said is true. Gramps had it written in for three days, and we’ve already bypassed that by far. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I got in the stolen time with him that I have. It damn sure doesn’t help the pain in my chest go away.

“Kendall, would you like some time to say goodbye?” the doc asks.

Of course I don’t. Saying goodbye makes it final and I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that. This is harder than the accident. Gramps was there every step of the way after. I’ll have no one now. I’ll be alone from here on out. I’m not letting anyone in again. All they do is leave in the end. One way or another, they always leave.

He stands and places his hand on Mr. Bishop’s shoulder, “Let’s go get some coffee.” I watch their retreating backs in a trance.

Getting up, I go to Gramps’ side. The nurses weren’t too quiet a few weeks ago, and I heard them saying that he’s officially been declared brain dead. He wouldn’t be able to hear me even if I were to talk to him. It doesn’t stop me from leaning down and pressing my lips against his head just like the last time before I left. My tears leave streaks down his face that I have to wipe away with my hand.

I know how much pain you were in, and I only want to keep you here for selfish reasons. When you see Nana, tell her that I love her and that I miss her. I’m going to miss you so much Gramps. You’ve always been there and always had my back, even when I made stupid decisions. I’m going to survive this for you, and I don’t care what I have to do, I will make you proud to have claimed me as yours. You can rest now Gramps and not be in pain anymore. I love you.

Even though I don’t say the words out loud, it makes me feel better having thought them. Maybe somewhere, in some other universe, he hears them. I sit on the edge of his bed and hold his hand until the doctor and Mr. Bishop come back.

“Ms. Davis, I’m going to leave this packet with you. I have the originals at my office,” Mr. Bishop says. “I don’t expect you’ll want to go through the whole thing right now, but I left your grandfather’s life insurance information on the top. I labeled the one that you’ll need to take to the funeral home with you.”

I know what’s about to happen, but his lawyer attitude comes off as unsympathetic. I can’t think about anything other than the fact that Gramps will no longer be here. When the tears start flowing, the doctor pushes Mr. Bishop out the door and a nurse takes his place.

“Kendall, are you ready?” he asks.

How am I supposed to be ready for this? No, I’m not ready. I’d give anything to have Gramps open his eyes and look at me.

He takes my silence as an ok and motions for the nurse to flip the switch on the ventilator. They remove the tube running into Gramps’ mouth. His heart gives it one last oorah and then stops all together. In the silence, the doctor reads a time from his watch before patting me on the shoulder and walking out.

With Gramps’ hand in mine, I sit with him until the very last second that I can.

A Hole Where My Heart Should Be

My brain goes straight to auto pilot as I leave the hospital. I end up at home on the small couch with my bags in front of me not remembering how I got here. Staring at Gramps’ chair brings a fresh wave of grief, and it’s staggering. I have to close my eyes just to keep from passing out with dizziness. That might also be due to the fact that I can’t remember the last time I ate anything. The last full meal that I can remember was on Christmas when one of the nurses brought me dinner and I didn’t want to be rude and not eat it. Otherwise, I’ve been living off of what few things I’ve been scrounging from the vending machines.

The house phone rings off the hook, but I never answer it. There’s also numerous knocks on the front door, but I don’t move to open it. I’ve never wanted to be anything other than human, but right now I truly envy hermit crabs. I wish I had a shell that I could crawl up into, and stay forever without coming out if I don’t want.

When I signed the last of the paperwork for the hospital, they informed me that I would have to wait until tomorrow to contact the funeral home. So, I curl up on the couch and sleep the day away.

My dreams make me restless, and I eventually have to get up to take one of my old sleeping pills. I stopped taking them, because they turned me into a zombie the next day. Right now, I don’t give a shit. I just want to sleep the pain away.

The medicine does its job, and I don’t wake up until after noon the next day. My body aches, and feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. I’m still not ready to face life, but I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for Gramps.

I shower and throw on some random clothes before I grab the paperwork and head over to the funeral home that Gramps used for Nana. Fortunately for me, they still remember me, and I’m not required to talk at all as we go through the motions of planning everything out. Whatever life insurance plan that he had is taking care of all expenses for the funeral. My gut twists painfully thinking about if he wouldn’t have had that plan. I don’t know what I would have done. When it’s all said and done, they give me their deepest condolences and say that they’ll see me in two days’ time.

Something hit me in the shower this morning; I have nothing to wear. There’s no way I’m going to disrespect Gramps and wear jeans to his funeral. I head over to the local thrift store. Sitting at the hospital with him for almost a month means I wasn’t working. I’m sure I’ve lost my job by now, but I don’t care. If Charles can’t understand the circumstances, then fuck him. Those jobs are a dime a dozen anyways, but that also means that my funds are limited. I don’t need anything fancy, just something to not embarrass us.

The first rack I come to has a dress in my size. It doesn’t have any holes or smell funny, so I buy it without even trying it on. As I make it home and walk in, I realize that all of the lights and the heater are off. Shit. I must have forgotten to pay the power. Oh, fucking well. I don’t care.

Hanging the dress up so the wrinkles will fall out, I down another one of those pills and crawl under the covers on my bed. I sleep all through the next day, since all I do is take a pill, sleep for eight hours, and repeat the process. By the time the day of the funeral rolls around, I’m good and numb.

My brain wakes way before I want to, and add that to the cold shower from not having the hot water heater, I’m fully awake hours before I need to be at the funeral home. I know that I promised Gramps that I would do my best to make him proud, but I’ll have to start tomorrow. For now, I want to keep living in the black abyss. As I’m digging through my bag, that I still haven’t unpacked, a familiar sight tumbles out onto the bed. Mav’s camera. A glutton for punishment, I sit down on the side of the bed and turn it on. The first picture steals my breath and takes a stab at the bubble of numb that I have wrapped myself in. I click to move it along faster. Each picture of the guys puts even more pressure on my chest. When I make it to the one of all of us sitting around the table, it’s too much. I shut it down, take the batteries out and throw them across the room. I hope they roll somewhere it’ll take forever to find. I need the numbness to stay, and it hurts too fucking bad to think about them on top of putting Gramps in the ground today. My leather jacket settles across my shoulders, and I take a deep breath of the leather. It doesn’t smell like Brian anymore, but it’s comforting none the less. It makes me feel almost like Brian, Casey and Will are here with me today.

We worked it out so that there wouldn’t be a viewing. Gramps always said that he hated having one for Nana, and when he passed, he wanted people to remember him the way he was before, not as a cold body lying in a casket. There is a small service inside the funeral home that more people than I thought knew Gramps shows up to. They all give me their sympathies and condolences with tears in their eyes. I feel like I’ve got cotton balls jammed down in my ears, so I just nod whenever someone speaks to me. At the end, I’m loaded into the family car, and we make our way over to the cemetery.

Gramps and Nana are going to be buried side by side. The headstone that was put in for Nana also has his name on the other side. Someone will have to add his death date to it, so I’ll have to try to remember to call about that too. I’ve handled as many people as I can today, and the numbness is trying to wear off. I’m going to need them to hurry.

It doesn’t take long for a few words to be said over him. Everyone starts to drift away back to their cars as the casket is lowered into the ground. One of the funeral home employees walks over to me, “Are you riding back with someone?”

Not taking my eyes from the box that holds what’s left of my grandfather, I nod to him.

“Ok, great. We’ll see you back there,” he says walking away.

The two guys standing off to the side are watching me as they begin to push dirt back into the hole, successfully severing the one tie that I had left in this world. I stand there long after they finish and stare at the space on the ground between Gramps and Nana. They didn’t have to take me in when my parents decided to be complete shitheads, but they did. The two of them raised me better than I ever would have been otherwise. I wish I could crawl right there between them. If it wasn’t for my promise to myself and Gramps, there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t try. I’m doing what I can, but I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. My chest hurts again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get the numbness to come back, except in my fingers and toes. That has more to do with the sun going down and the wind whipping around me. Tears make warm tracks down my cheeks. My knees hit the frozen ground, but if it hurts, I don’t feel it. Nothing could beat the pain that sits in the middle of my body right now.I just…I just can’t…

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